I feel like I had the same thing happen. Which makes DB'ing feel that much worse - becase we can see the other side and nothing we can say can make them believe it.
Just a quick note to say thank you to everyone who commented on my post today.
You all gave me a lot to think about. Stripped down my anger and circular thinking of just being angry to think about deeper issues.
And what I'm left with is the thought that even if all my fears (as listed above) become realities then what? then, I'll move along with that information.
i understand the mixed emotions. the situation is out of control, and you are trying to figure it out. you know you cant control, which goes against who you are at the core. i struggle with the same things daily. my W left and we agreed that when we didnt have the kids, we would call them everyday. so far i have and she hasn't. it made me very mad at first. now it is just hurt. i hurt for my kids. being a LBS is not easy. i am amazed at the things you say and do. i read all your posts for inspiration. i have a feeling you will figure this out, and it will be in a healthy way.
so sorry you are having a tough day, Brit. ((( )))
you are concerned about who your H really is..
but IMHO your H is not himself right now, he is upside down right now...and he is trying to find himself.
and it may impact all his relationships right now, with your S as well.
but i am not sure that means this is who he really is or will be once he regains his footing..
i am new to all this, and vets you can speak to this better, but i wonder if who he has been with your son over the years is more reflective of who he really is.. and may hopefully be again once the confusion clears???
((( )))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Brit, I didn't get a change to read all the posts, son not sure if anything similar has been shared.
When I M my W, I adopted her then 3yo D. So I have been the father figure in D14's life for 12 of those years.
So 2 years ago, (then) D12 basically disowned me. While she did visit with me a bunch, a lot of it revolved around pressure from W and attempts to encourage visits by me.
Now... pretty much nothing...
There are many reasons why I suspect that D14 is not visiting, due to W's opinion of me. Could I be wrong? Of course. But at the very least, I know that when W is being nice to me, it seems D14 has been more open to visits. When W is pissed at me, D14 shuts down on me.
So while I appreciate that you would like your H to spend time with your S... there is likely a dynamic that you really do not see. Either H has tried and its not working. Or H feels uncomfortable because he can't think of what to talk to S about that doesn't come back around to talking about you...
My W gave my kids very specific instructions to not talk to me about her nor anything she was doing. It has been a huge struggle to come up with stuff to talk about, when it revolves the kids and their life... because hey...
"So what did you do last weekend?"
"oh, nothing..." or "We went... somewhere..." or "I don't want to talk about it..."
It's a horrible position for the kids to be in... and I'm pretty sure that's another big reason why D14 does not want to visit... I am pretty good at avoiding that stuff now, but I know the kids have a bad taste in their mouths over the "practice" sessions...
D9... we have a different bond... she's my bio D... and she's loyal to both parents equally, as far as I can tell...
D14... not so much... while she has not problem with me being her dad, and I have not heard the "you're not my REAL dad" comment... the unfortunate truth for me is... unless D14 WANTS to hang with me... and initiates talks and requests to visit...
Heartbroken - you made me cry! Grace - like you I always try to see and believe the best in everyone. I'm hoping you're right. Kaffe - I have never said anything bad about H to S. S has asked me why I've been upset in the past after getting off the phone with H and I've said it's bit frustrating all this change. But I try to say it's the situation and not the person. H did tell me the weekend of the 28th he detected a bit of H vs Mom from S. H just laughed it off and moved on.
So just got a text from H: I plan to come by your place tomorrow I would think around noon to drop off these dining chairs and a shovel (I told him I would buy my own!)
I'll grab some things out of the garage (he still has stuff in there)
Can't stay long as I have a very busy weekend (I don't want/need to hear/or care about YOUR busy weekend)
but I was thinking I might hang out with you guys one night next week? If you have the time, and want me too? (ARGH right back to his pattern of....I don't know...but being a bit weird about maybe you don't want to hang out with me and I understand if I'm prying. Wanting reassurance. I don't know where this attitude is coming from. He did it on Wednesday and it upset me but I didn't let him see it and it's happening now)
Not really sure how to reply. We will probably have already left by the time he gets here. I don't want to rearrange my day. I feel like he really needs stuff out the garage for his "very busy weekend" and is wrapping that up in the I'm bringing you a shovel and dining chairs.
I'm not sure what to say about him coming over. It's fine. It's what we do. He was already coming by twice next week to take S to appointments.
Here's what I went with....Hey H yeah all that's fine! We may have left already if so just leave the chairs in the garage. thanks again for spotting and grabbing those. If I don't see you tomorrow I'll see you Tues for S's appt. Want to hang out after that?
I plan to come by your place tomorrow I would think around noon to drop off these dining chairs and a shovel (I told him I would buy my own!)
HE wants to give you something... why are you resisting?
Originally Posted By: Brit45
I'll grab some things out of the garage (he still has stuff in there)
He's maintained a connection with you. Let's see if he takes everything... or leaves some stuff, still...
Originally Posted By: Brit45
Can't stay long as I have a very busy weekend (I don't want/need to hear/or care about YOUR busy weekend)
Sounds like he's DBing you, there... we know that can drive the WAS crazy by being... mysterious...
Is it working...?
Originally Posted By: Brit45
but I was thinking I might hang out with you guys one night next week? If you have the time, and want me too? (ARGH right back to his pattern of....I don't know...but being a bit weird about maybe you don't want to hang out with me and I understand if I'm prying. Wanting reassurance. I don't know where this attitude is coming from. He did it on Wednesday and it upset me but I didn't let him see it and it's happening now)
That's a guy thing... we want to make "our people" happy... I personally do not want to hang out with someone if they want to hang out with someone else... I just want them to be happy...
of course... I would HOPE they would be happy to hang out with me... but I wouldn't presume that... that's THEIR choice...
