IMHO I would say that in this case you need to believe what he says. I think he has alot of valid points by feeling betrayed. I understand that both of you had issues that contributed to the M, but you did leave and had a relationship with someone else. It doesn't matter if it was even a ONS, it was a relationship.
That's alot for him to get over. Maybe he's self-medicating with the OW, or maybe he feels like he really can't trust you. Fact is that you can't expect him to "get over" you leaving for awhile.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
brit, so sorry for your pain and fear. yes, you got another bomb. and yes, you did all the things we all do when we get the bomb; beg,cry, plead, rationalize, defend, accuse, etc.
go back to DB 101. you're very good at it. he needs T-I-M-E.
you previously stated you would be his "friend". you stopped being his friend and became the LBS again. go back to being his friend when you deal with him. i think the vets would say it's time for LRT. do you think he will miss you when he comes over to watch the "telly" with you weekly? if he's moving in with OW, she should make his meals and be his company. just my opinion.
i can also see a deep love he has for you with some of the things he said. he's so sentimental about you. he's been humiliated by the CW (what does that stand for? i'm thinking "casual" something?). it's very hard for some men to get over that. i had a coworker who had an affair with another coworker's son. she and her husband finally got back together but he will not go around any of the people who worked with his wife. we've all lost touch with them. it was just too much for him to bear.
i know you can do this if you want to. you will just have to give it time and do the work. good luck, brit!
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Knee jerk reactions are seldom a way to plan for your future. You got thrown for a horrible loop and now your plan is different than the one you had prior to today, right?
Now you are done?
Stay your course, the original one. The course is going to take a number of hits, the first several shouldn't dissuade you.
You both have issues you need to work through and out...seperately for now.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
[/quote]That's alot for him to get over. Maybe he's self-medicating with the OW, or maybe he feels like he really can't trust you. Fact is that you can't expect him to "get over" you leaving for awhile.
Quote:
CW just stood for coworker. I didn't want to get in all the details.
I don't expect him to just "get over" me ending the relationship or developing something with someone else. But we both know neither of us would have looked into our problems if I hadn't pulled the trigger. He never would have and he admits this, he would have continued to exist being unhappy, withdrawn, emotionally unavailable, P/A, and resentful. Are you saying that I shouldn't have told him my feelings when they changed? That because I had a relationship I should have shoved my change of heart away and kept walking away. Or would an LBS rather have that knowledge? that choice? I told him that I'm not asking him to promise that we'll be together in 20 years. I'm just asking him to leave the door open, to give us a chance. Because we never really did.
I feel like a lot of what he said was conflicting....
[quote]i think the vets would say it's time for LRT. do you think he will miss you when he comes over to watch the "telly" with you weekly? if he's moving in with OW, she should make his meals and be his company. just my opinion.
I agree. I'm going to LRT or go dark or whatever for my sanity. I can't do this right now. And it makes me angry. Don't tell me you miss me and S and come over to get your fix of happy family but ultimately decide there was "too much bad"
So Mr Bond tells me to believe him that I've done too much harm. And Jack Three Beans tells me to stay the course. I'm not going to make any decisions now. Not when I can't see through the tears. I don't know how to make amends for my mistakes and he's still doing things that upset me in the R. So I really need to think.
"He told me over and over that this was unfair to say this to him. That I chose to leave and now I'm angry at him that he won't get back together with me now that I've changed my mind. That I had months of being single and I won't let him do that. He kept saying you can't be angry at me."
This sentence is the key.
He wants space and you're smothering him. You have to be patient. You were able to do your own thing to figure out what you wanted. He feels he needs to be able to do the same thing.
So do you have the patience and strength to do it? It's going to be real easy for you to start resenting him for what he's doing. But you have to learn to respect it. It's his choice. He is on a path that you started him on. You can't go back and say that you changed your mind so he should too.
You really hurt him and he needs time to heal. You can't keep thinking about what you want. You wanted to leave so you left. You wanted a relationship with someone else so you did. Now you want back and expect him to welcome you with open arms. Won't work that way.
Can you put his needs before yours? If you can't, then you won't get him back.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I honestly feel like that's what I've been trying to do for almost 2 months now. But you're right he's telling me it's not enough.
I don't resent him. And I don't feel like I could because I blame myself so much. I feel about 2 inches tall. I know what you mean that it would help all this pain I feel right now if I got angry at him and focused on the list of changes he hasn't made.
I can put his needs before mine. This is all a process of growing for me. I think I've always been selfish and gotten my own way. I want to do this. I feel like my heart will be wide open for the trampling on...but I suppose I did that to his heart for awhile. I can't take it all back but I wish I could.
I'm scared. I'm scared this relationship will advance/continue, she'll get pregnant whatever. And I'll be here hurting and hurting. And I have no right to anything right now. I've lost him.
And on top of being scared I feel horrible, really really horrible. I feel responsible for the sitch we're in. And like I don't deserve a second chance. He's happy.
