In-Home Separation, One Year Point

[cat04]

Cat04, I'm trying to figure out what you're looking for from me.

I am not really looking for anything. I want you to do the looking. I can’t fix you, I can only fix me. If my questions make you think, then that is good.

I am sorry that you are not doing well. How do you propose to change that?

Honestly, I could and have thought about pulling your responses apart piece by piece but it all boils down to a few questions…

I feel like maybe I know a little bit more about A after reading about your likes and dislikes, although I see a lot of “safe”, “mom/wife appropriate” responses. Not that those are bad…they aren’t.

Did those things originate from your childhood and young adult hood, or since your M/R began?

Is there anything a little risky that you do, did, want to do, say like hang glide, watch scary movies, etc…stuff that you maybe don’t do because you have children and a husband and it doesn’t necessarily fit into the roles you live?

Do you see that for three posts, you said almost nothing about him? But a ton about yourself...

Then you spent an entire therapy session talking about your H, his behaviors, instead of learning more about A and your roles and faults and good things in the M...

I guess maybe I am looking for something. I'm looking for Adinva...

[adinva]

Hi again -

I used to do risky things - I backpacked through Europe, spent a year overseas, smoked, drank and experimented briefly with drugs, rebelled against authority, and drove too fast. The things I stopped doing I stopped because they are not who I want to be. So now I drink in moderation, work to excel within systems, follow laws, and try to make the world a better place for my having been in it. I didn't stop doing things because I was a wife and a mom. I stopped doing them and am a wife and a mom. I like a good scary movie and I love roller coasters. I travel when I can afford to, and when I can't I camp out. I've been whitewater rafting, rock climbing and rappelling, and horseback riding in the past couple of years, as a family.

I'm sensitive to the fact that I'm not very interesting or exciting by typical standards, but my friends will stay up half the night talking with me, and I have lots of things I'm interested in. I don't feel like I can or really want to compete for men's attention with young party girls, so I don't expect to try that scene again - I didn't much like it when I was in my 20's and it's not who I am now at all.

Bottom line, I am a mom, a career woman, and a volunteer. I have hobbies and friends. I have strong opinions. I have a lot going on in my life. I haven't got the time and don't feel the need to break out of some role, and I don't believe I've lost myself in my relationships at all.

My therapy sessions tend to be all about me, so I want to clarify that. I talk about a situation with H doing this or that and I talk about how I reacted or didn't, what I can teach my kids to break the pattern, what I could practice or try. I'm learning things about myself each time - that I avoid conflict too and when I meet it head on and handle it well I feel proud of myself, that I don't need to protect myself as much anymore from fear of past hurts being repeated because I'm stronger and wiser now; that I have faults I didn't see because they were coming out in response to bigger faults I perceived in my H, but I need to work on them anyway (oppositional behavior is a big one). I feel hope for the future as much as sorrow for the past. The 180s and things I'm changing are mental and emotional, and I hone them through all of my relationships, including here on the message boards as well as with my H and sons.

I think there's a place in the world for introverted bookworms who like mountain climbing just as much as there is for extroverted party-goers who like hang gliding. I love myself and think I'm pretty fascinating and well rounded.

There are still things I want to do when my responsibilities as a parent are lessened, but I really enjoy the things I get to do every day now, and I get time away to have fun too. I guess that's why I don't usually feel sad.

[cat04]

I love myself and think I'm pretty fascinating and well rounded.

This time I believe you.

Is this what your H gets to see?

[adinva]

H is not looking or he'd see it.

H met my need for emotional distance when I was younger and uncomfortable with strong emotions. Now I've been through childbirth twice, experienced death and the shortness of life, and had a cancer scare, and he's just plain not there emotionally for me. Worse than not there. I could accept that that was how my marriage was going to be, but then H pulled a switcheroo and told me he didn't feel anything for me and was miserable.

I am holding my head high, fulfilling my obligations with grace and good cheer, acting more mature and being more understanding of him, doing a lot less volunteer work because it was one of his gripes, planning trips and outings with my family and friends. I'm not playing any games to win him back, but I'm going on with my life and keeping the road back into my heart paved and smooth. If he looked, that's what he'd see.

[cat04]

Adinva,

When you talk about you or your boys, you shine.

When you talk about other stuff, not so much.

I don't now if you see it or not...

So subpar at things...how do you change that?

[adinva]

Cat, you're a sweetheart, but you're very tough on me.

Show me someone who makes it through a year of separation while hoping and trying to save their marriage, experiencing a difficult year at work, and going through the normal chaos of children entering the teen years, and lets it all roll off their back and is fine and I'll show you a liar. In fact, my life was in a challenging stage even when I thought my marriage was fine.

How I change it? Time, patience, forgiving myself when I can't do everything perfectly, doing my best, putting the best face on that I can, basically putting one foot in front of the other until I come out the other side of this.

Thanks for noticing that I'm happiest about my boys. They are the rainbow in my sky. I feel like all the living I've done so far has been leading up to being an amazing mom. I love being in the world so much I couldn't wait to share it with them, and I have so much love and respect for the independent individuals that they showed up as. I'm pretty excited for the time that they are grown up and I can do more just for myself, but at this time in my life being there for them is exactly what I want to be doing.

[adinva]

I had Cat's voice in my head this morning as I sat with H signing papers for refinancing our house. I couldn't wait to jump on the board and journal what he said. And I knew it was focusing on him and what he says and does, but oh well. It's a journal.

The settlement guy commented that our monthly payment is pretty low, less than a lot of apartments might be. And H looked at me and said "Remember that."

I try not to dwell on what this or that means. I'm happy we're refinancing because that suggests we won't lose the house and the kids will have that stability. I thought for a while that H was set on selling it and getting out of this area. I was open to talking about that even though I was in favor of staying here till the kids are out of high school.

But "remember that" caused me to think about apartment rents and the fact that unless things change a lot soon we'll also be paying for an apartment. Or, I'll be paying for the house and he'll be paying for an apartment. It's too bad. This is a financially stupid, emotionally stupid, logically stupid separation/divorce.

I'm attractive, funny, fun, fit, happy, well adjusted, understanding, intelligent, committed, honest, loving, and more. He is definitely a fool to leave.

So I was driving from the airport today thinking, what is it? Why doesn't he love me? Why won't he give us a chance? And I thought to myself, stop asking questions that have no answers. It helped for the moment. There's no answer that I can see, maybe that I'll ever see, and I'll just have to get on with things.

[NLW]

[quote=adinva
But "remember that" caused me to think about apartment rents and the fact that unless things change a lot soon we'll also be paying for an apartment. Or, I'll be paying for the house and he'll be paying for an apartment. It's too bad. This is a financially stupid, emotionally stupid, logically stupid separation/divorce.

I'm attractive, funny, fun, fit, happy, well adjusted, understanding, intelligent, committed, honest, loving, and more. He is definitely a fool to leave.

So I was driving from the airport today thinking, what is it? Why doesn't he love me? Why won't he give us a chance? And I thought to myself, stop asking questions that have no answers. It helped for the moment. There's no answer that I can see, maybe that I'll ever see, and I'll just have to get on with things. [/quote]

Hi Advina,

Yep, this is a big stumbling block for me too. There is no logic to it.
I just try to keep in mind that my H is sick/lost/suffering at the moment.

And therefore the normal rules don't apply.
He probably doesn't know the answers himself.

All we can do is focus on ourselves and get whatever positives we can out of a bad situation in terms of personal growth.

And show compassion, grace and patience for someone whom we once loved and who loved us.

We can get on with things, but we get on with them BETTER now; we've learned so much.

We've gained as well as lost. So keep these positives in mind if you can.

[adinva]

Thanks, NLW, this:

"And show compassion, grace and patience for someone whom we once loved and who loved us."

is how I strive to be. How I'd like to be. Thanks for your encouragement!

[adinva]

I'm on a business trip with a bunch of colleagues and have been thinking ahead to how things will be when I'm not married. I let my buddies encourage me to get out of my room and hit the town, and I had a meal at the bar by myself two nights ago. Last night there was a big dinner, so I sat next to some of the new guys and had good conversations. I have another half day of meetings to go, and plan to see some of the art and culture in this town before my flight home.

My sense of self is hidden behind strong protections built up when I was very young. I can be myself and seem friendly and carefree but the guard is still always at the ready. Perhaps this is what Cat04's been challenging, and perhaps I'm still defending myself unnecessarily and holding people at arms' length when it's no longer to my advantage. When the comments stung too much I responded in defense of myself, but I still appreciate the comments and the help.

As my buddy pointed out, I don't come here to have sunshine blown up my skirt. I said it before and I'll put my money where my mouth is. Cat04 I do appreciate you!