hope you love her, cause you're stuck with her now

[kat727]

I have to go hunt for the letter that you wrote! I remember at one time you mentioning it....I just have way too much on my plate to have my memory be as good on this stuff! lol

kat

[MichelleLT]

I don't remember if I ever posted the final draft. So here it is again.

Roger,

When you first told me that I had treated you better than you had treated me, my initial reaction was to say "no". I have a really hard time thinking of negative things about our relationship. But I deserve a partner who is committed to me. I deserve a partner who will talk to me about issues. I deserve a partner who will not walk out without fighting for us, even if that means fighting with me.

I wrote the following relationship rules when Neal and I were in the midst of our separation. You and I have been so compatible in almost everything that I think I assumed we were operating off the same relationship rules. But in retrospect, I think that was not true. But I will share them with you to hopefully clarify to you why I am so hurt and disappointed with how things have ended.

1. If one person thinks there is a problem, there is a problem.
2. The person who sees the problem has the responsibility to start the discussion and keep it going as long as necessary because neither person in this relationship is likely to be a mind reader.
3. Sometimes it takes repeating yourself before the other person sees how serious the issue is or finally understands how to address the issue.
4. Ask for what you want, suggest solutions, and be specific enough that something can come of the conversation besides just venting.
5. If talking doesn't work, try something else. Actions often speak louder than words. But above all, try something. Then try something else.
6. If you feel a problem hasn't been resolved, ask to do something different (counseling, romantic getaway, etc.) BEFORE you get so frustrated you give up on the relationship. Because...
7. Things are disposable. People are not.
8. Resentment kills desire, don't sweep things under the rug if you aren't sure you can live with them.
9. Hopelessness is the cancer in long-term relationships.
10. Choose your battles wisely, but anything worth breaking up over is worth fighting over first and often.

I also admit there were issues I should have raised with you. I am sorry I didn't do so earlier. Briefly, I was not happy that our date nights, vacations, and other couples time was shelved because of the stress and financial strain of you buying a house. Those types of activities are essential to keeping a relationship thriving in my opinion. I was not happy with the Cymbalta and EMDR because of the side effects on our sex life, which was compounded by a lack of dedicated couples time. I was disappointed and very hurt with your lack of response to my consciously acting on your requests to buy and wear more lingerie and initiate sex more often. I was also concerned about the amount of alcohol you were drinking as you are not supposed to drink at all with both your anti-seizure meds and anti-depressants. I spent a good portion of November and December thinking about what I wanted to say and trying to find a good time to sit down and have these conversations when we wouldn't be interrupted and you weren't already in a bad mood. As I never found a time when both of those conditions was satisfied, I put off having that conversation.

When it all is boiled down to the basics, we agree on many of the things that needed work in our relationship. But there is a fundamental disagreement over whether the effort should be put in to fix them. I believed we were worth the effort, and I know I am worth the effort. I will not settle.

Michelle

[kat727]

I remember it now. Not sure if it was the final draft or not from before. I have been so busy at work lately that my memory isn't as good as it usually is. I have to admit my memory isn't like Marilu Henner but it is pretty close and works pretty much the same way.

Don't what she does when she is on overload...hmmmm.

kat

[BeginningAgain]

That was an EXCELLENT letter and DESERVES a response from him. If he doesn't then you are better off moving on. You are right - do not settle!

BA

[MichelleLT]

So turns out he hadn't seen the letter when he was over before. I was over picking up the dog around May 3rd and he mentioned he got it in the mail. He hasn't responded really. He said maybe he'd write a letter back or something.

He had Kelsey from the 10th through yesterday. He dropped her off and we got burgers and made small talk for a little bit.

The drive up and back to Oregon for my grandfather's memorial service was nice and the weather was beautiful. Got to see lots of family and catch up. It's always hard for me though to see all my aunts and uncles and cousins with their significant others. Most of the people on my mom's side of the family have been married for 20, 30, 40, or in my grandparent's case, 62 years. I'm SO jealous. And so lonely. I feel like there's some secret that no one is telling me.

I've really been struggling with this break-up for some reason. In some ways it's harder than the divorce. I have always been an optimistic and happy person, always had faith that things will work out in the end, that things happen for a reason. I struggled with that faith with the divorce, but I didn't feel like I lost it. I feel broken this time though. I don't want to start over again, I don't have the energy, but I don't want to be alone either. I see my aunt, who just had hip surgery, with my uncle, holding hands, checking on each other, and that's what I want. I want that 30 years of shared history, that friendship, that love. And it keeps getting taken away from me, and I can't understand why.

After that, I went on my vacation to Maui. It was beautiful, it was fun, I got to see some amazing things and I'd love to go back, but it was so lonely. I never want to go on vacation alone again. I missed having someone to talk to, to do things with, to share those memories with. I couldn't even do some of the things I wanted to do like the lava tube tour because it required a minimum of 2 to make a reservation. And to be surrounded by couples on honeymoon or renewing their vows, UGH! Going out to dinner alone and being asked if I was waiting for someone. So horrible!

Then, the closest I've come to having a date in months (guy at a coffee shop in Lahaina), I end up getting some food that had shrimp mixed in with it and having to take an anti-histamine and go to bed with hives.

I keep waiting for it to get better. I keep waiting for my optimism to come bubbling back up, but it's not. I am just as broken and hurt and bitter now as I was right after the break-up. How many times can a heart be broken before you can't find all the pieces to put it back together again? I don't feel like I'm healing at all. And I haven't for a while now, I just haven't known what to say about it let alone do about it.

I've been taking the adrenal and thyroid stress supplements like I did during the worst of the divorce. They helped a lot with my depression then, but I don't know if they're helping now.

Maybe it just doesn't feel like it because Roger seems to be doing so well? He is doing ashtanga (sp?) yoga, his EMDR seems to be moving along, he has cut back the dosage on his Cymbalta to every other day, and he seems to be so happy alone while I seem to be stuck.

[kat727]

I think because you are hoping still that this relationship will work out. You have to start acting as if he is gone for good. You have still interacted so much, I am sure it makes it difficult. You see his mood swings and you are constantly having to act as if.

There isn't another woman involved here and so that may make it harder to accept. Now it is just him and his issues. Let him work through it and maybe don't see him so much. I am sure getting to still see you, helps him.

kat

[mishka422]

Oh Michelle, I'm so sorry you are feeling so stuck.

In so many ways this breakup seems much harder on you than the D. At least in the D a major line was crossed that caused trust issues. Dealbreaker type stuff. In this, it's just so unresolved. If I had any advice to give it would be...go to counseling. You need a professional to help walk you through your feelings. This had just been too long to be feeling like this.

Like kat said, I think the constant interaction is becoming more of a deterrent to your healing than anything else. I'm really glad to hear that Roger is finding healing and help in his therapy and activities but where does that leave you? STUCK! Stuck watching him get healthy and happy while you spin in the wind.

NO GOOD!

Take care of you. Step back. Something has to be done and only you can do it.

[MichelleLT]

Yeah, you're right, there was no deal breaker issue here. Not even a very clear cut (to my mind) reason, no big fight.

Even XH has found another person to put up with him and is off on his honeymoon period of bliss.

So many of my friends have gotten married or in serious relationships, I feel like I'm the only single one let alone the only divorced one. So obviously I'm doing something wrong, whether it's in my relationships or in who I am attracted to, and I can't figure out what it is!

On a good note, I think I have a roomie starting either this weekend or next. The con is I have to finish cleaning out the spare room! I am really looking forward to having the company around.

[Kalni]

Hi girlfriend!
I think it is only natural to feel the way you do. Roger was supposed to be all the things your xh couldnt be or didnt want to. Roger was supposed to be...correct, right.

You will find the love of your life. All of this is you getting ready for it. You will have the fine balance you need to achieve a long term companionship. It could be Roger but it may not be him, we will see.
Stay positive and strong,
xxxx
K

[MichelleLT]

I wish I could believe that.

After having a 2 1/2 yr relationship end, then my 5 year M, now a 3 yr relationship, about the only thing I am convinced of is that something must be wrong with me. I'm losing out on the years that I should be settling down, I'm missing any chance to have kids (guess it's a good thing I was never set on having any), watching all my friends and family succeed where I cannot. I am so tired of starting over. It gets harder each time, not better. I feel like there are more pieces to pick up each time, and I can't find them all anymore. The wounds never heal, they just scar over, and then the scars get reopened.