This is my journey

[labug]

Like^^^

[Brit45]

I have been telling myself a few things which have helped me:

1. the timing is good. it is in my best interest to D now due to the financial aspects. If this had happened a few years ago, i would have been in trouble.

i have learned to protect myself financially in the future and will do it with W or whoever is in my life.

2. this process (she is in MLC, I believe) is going to take a LONG time. (I denied that for awhile) The OW is new and a new relationship feels fun and free and exciting. it will be some time before reality hits.

If my W has really found something deeper/richer than what we had, then there is deeper/richer out there for me too, especially with what I have learned here, from therapy and from reading.

3. I am growing and need time to continue. I am not ready for a change in our situation until I can get hold of my anxiety problem. It is bigger than our M, impacts me in all areas of my life and I have used our M to feel good enough to avoid dealing with it.

Now, I am not sure if all of the above is good DBIng and invite any and all to challenge me on it.

Wow this is amazing. Really fantastic stuff. I think I had that realization too about it taking time.
And I love the way you came to terms with either it will take awhile for us to work things out OR it means there's something else out there for me.
I think I needed to hear that. And I think accepting the time element brings a sense of patience.
Yeah, I'm learning about anxiety too. good luck working on it. And please stick around!

((((((hugs))))))

[Jack_Three_Beans]

NG,

I want to apologize, my response based upon your last post from the first page of this thread...so...it became dated as soon as I posted...and truthfully? That was the closest I have been to tempted to using the edit button.

Challenge AND approval.

Your list is great, except for one.

And for me that is the D, there is no really good time for it, without the abusive parts...which I did not read, and time in.
Financially? Yes...divorce can be easier. Divorce can save you money...lots of things.

To me money is just money and stuff is just stuff. Protect your assests? Yes...but the ends and means come into play here as well; for me.

I'm not sure I have the words at the moment. Getting back into the swing of things.

Let me try.

IF you ascribe to soulmates...and I hate the word. Then you fight the D and there will never be a good time for it, even if it becomes inevitable.

If you married her and love her then again like above...

If there is a good time to D?

What is beckoning to you?





Not that a divorce is a wrong answer...if your married and there is no abuse? It should be the last answer, that's why your here.



As for my journey and my wife's? Since without her and her effort I wouldn't still be married, it's in the archive. I'll try and find it but it's not my prioriety.

My path is mine, and your's is yours. IF I could gaurentee what I did would work for you I'd be making money and giving most of it to Michele. ; ) OK I wouldn't charge. : )

[needgrace]

Hi J3B,

Thank you for stopping by again.

I did not explain myself well. I want to be married to my W more than anything in the world. But I am trying to reconcile myself with the fact that she is moving forward w/ the D. (She came to town last week to file and I am waiting to be served.)

I have done everything I can and will continue doing everything to build a new relationship with her. I am trying to reconcile myself with the fact that the old M is gone and there must be a new relationship built, but again, I can only do my part, not hers.

I have been dreading being served and have been on hyper alert for car doors indicating the moment has arrived. I know that I have 6 months until it is final and I will continue to do my best to DB the heck out of this time.

But I will also continue to work on detaching and part of it for me, is seeing any positives in this, and to be honest, making smarter choices to financially protect myself in the future is one of them. I would not D to do it, but I will be thankful that D provides me with this opportunity.

J3B, I have fought this D so far and have not helped my W divorce me in any way. I will not help her in the next 6 months either. I think she needs the space to realize what she has lost and I need the space to grow and that is why I am NC now.

I want to grow and be challenged and appreciate when you voice a concern, J3B. I will be very grateful to hear your thoughts on what I am writing here.

[Cadet]

i have not been served the D papers yet and expect that it will be any day now.

This may very well happen and you nor I have any control over it.
But be careful when YOU EXPECT something.

Jack is challenging you I see.

[needgrace]

Day 18 NC.

Then I had no choice but to email her due to a decision on a shared property. I just asked the question and wrote thank you at the end. (I am still NC, right? I want to keep counting the days, it makes me feel powerful.)

So she writes back with the answer. She also states that we can offer another year or two lease to them. Last conversation, she wanted them to move out as she had been planning to move back to the property this September.

So she does not mention her plans (moving in w/ OW?, staying out of state?, moving to the North Pole? )....
and does not mention the D papers... she came to town to file last week. I have not been served yet.

why not be open about the change in plans?? and at least give me some warning about when i am being served. am i expecting too much?? (i think i know the answer just by using the word expecting)

i will not ask or try to find out in any way. it does not matter right now. (at least that is what i am telling myself.)

[Valeska19]

Glad the NC is going well for you.

You are breaking that by asking her a question that if not answered.. would be neglecting your responsibilities as a person.

NC is about eliminating all the hurtful conversation, all the cake-eating, and any unwanted & unnecessary conversation.

Keep it up.

[Cadet]

There is DIM, Dark and NC.

Use as appropriately, yes you broke NC but you are still DARK. This is just a technicalty.

You do this for YOU not to punish her.
To protect YOU!

Sounds like you are still protected, no harm, no foul.
keep up the good work!

[needgrace]

Thank you Val and Cadet.

I am having a tough time tonight with wondering about W and if she is moving in with OW. I am not detached, that is for sure. That is why DARKNESS is my friend... actually NC is a better friend but DARKNESS is what I am stuck with for now.

I have great admiration for you DBers who have to stay connected through having children together. Wow. One sentence of an email and I am reeling a bit. I could not imagine constant contact.

[needgrace]

OK... I have my equilibrium back again and I did not contact my W. (Day 19 DARK)

I am refocused on me and resisted the temptation to try and figure out what W is doing.

Due to the example of honesty and courage shown by my dear DB friend, Brit, I want to "woman up" and be honest about something about myself in my M.

My W was incredibly loving to me during our M and showed her love quite openly and often. (That is why her recent email about how hard it was for her to love me was such a shock.)

Anyhow, in the midst of all this love, I accused her probably 4 -5 times over the course of our relationship of having feelings for someone else. Most of the accusations were really silly in hindsight and embarrassing to admit. (Really embarrassing - my best friend, her boss - crazy stuff) I would start to form suspicions based on how much she would talk about someone and then end up asking her if she had feelings for them. She would get really angry and feel that I did not trust her. I would try to explain that, it was my own insecurity, that I felt that I was not good enough/loveable.

After she would reassure me that she did not have feelings, I would believe her but the damage had been done.

This was one of the things she said that really bothered and angered her and she could not forget, when we broke up, and is something I feel guilty about, regret and need to work on.

I want to understand more about how this impacted our M but I can not ask her so I want to ask if anyone else has been in a similar situation and what they have learned from it.

Thank you.