Never, ever would I would even consider wanting her to want for it to ever come to that. I fell in love with her because family was an important thing to both of us. All I wanted was for her to recognise that we were now a family. I just wanted her to treat me like i was family now.
Problem with this is I can answer that question, but nobody understands this. She thought she wanted to be married. But when it came down to it, she didn't want to let anybody that far into her life. That is what I am having a problem with. Why would she do this when she knew how devestating it would be when she got too close? Her friends and family have told me that this is how she is. When things get too close, she runs. The only way to get answers is from her. All of this has come after the fact.
You might have misunderstood my question. You sound like counseling would really help you. IC, not MC. For you.
When that was suggested, you brushed it off: "As far as counseling...I am not sure."
Why?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I guess I am maybe just being difficult... IC, in my opinion, would probably make me even more angry. Even after months of this, I am still at a loss for words of Why! And I don't know if someone telling me it could be this or that is going to make me understand things any clearer than I already do. Just my opinion though.
I did have a few sessions with a counselor a while ago, but she seemed to only make me feel worse.
She told you why. She doesn't want to live with your disapproval of her decisions. You said it, in so many words. You disapprove of her sleeping with her D. You disapprove of the lack of bed time she sets for her daughter. I suspect you've also criticized her about time and energy spent on her "family".
Read your own words.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
What spouse wants to live by themselves within a marriage? How would someone feel if months would go by without being intimate with their spouse? How should someone feel if their spouse made sure others had dinner, but had other things to do when they weren't around? How should someone feel when they would rather spend the night at their parents with D that come home to their spouse?
I truly see where you are going with this. I do. But there are so many things that are not healthy for a M that, even though I was willing to work on, it was either her way or no way.
You are right. I have definitely criticized her for some of these things. But how can a M work when these things are common. They say that the number one thing that breaks down a marriage is communication. All I was fighting for was to spend more time with my wife so this wouldn't happen. But I got beaten down for wanting more time with my W.
The way I looked at it.... I hated the fact that I spent more time with people I work with than my family.
You must have felt lonely and abandoned. Adinva suggested counseling. It's not our feeling that get us into trouble. It's our reactions; how we communicate our feelings.
Please listen to what the wise people (not me) on here try to tell you. Sometimes our first reaction is to defend ourselves but that will only keep us closed off to a better understanding.
No one on here really knows who you are. You have complete anonymity. You can look deeply into yourself without judgement here. You can be totally honest and will not suffer for it. In fact, the more honest you are, the better you will become because others will be better able to guide and help you.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
SS, You are right about being honest. I truly feel that I am being honest about the whole sitch. As each scenario is explained, others are always looking at the other side of what I might have done to make her feel the way she did. Problem is, I am the same person and did the same things that made her fall in love with me in the first place. Something changed in her. Maybe the meds, maybe the depression, I don't know. But to get blamed for the breakdown of our M, is a kick in the you know what! All I have wanted is to discuss what happened with her, and her have an open mind, not blaming me the whole time.
Our one and only MC, she hammered me for what caused her to get to this point, but the little we talked about it later, she would not see what I was doing to save the M. ie, spending more time together, communicating, having time to ourselves to have fun...
It is always a possibility, but everything got bad after coming off the meds she was on. She only saw things in a negative light when, what i feel, she was going through depression. Not one thing made her feel good. The more I fought to make M better, the more she fell back. When I backed away, I wasn't doing anything to fix things. How can someone "win" in the position?
There is no fighting for your marriage.
You want to make her see things your way, you want her to understand but only if it agrees with your understanding.
That's all control.
Do you want to force her back or do you want her to come back of her won free will, because she loves you?
It's not throwing in the towel to work on you, to change those things you know you need to change.
And she may see you as the better choice.
Or she may not but either way, you have no control over her choices.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
