Here are some of the highlights: Cheryl thinks my H is reaching out. She told me to remember what it felt like to be his girlfriend and be that person. Act like his girlfriend and make him happy when he’s with me. Let him see the new Ro is going to stick around. She said he will probably get nervous about us getting close again.
Watch my tone and be kind. Words are cheap – actions speak louder than words. Say Thank You.
As far him moving out, she doesn’t think he wants to move out so she suggested I create a combined “honey do” list of things that need to be done at the house. So he’s invested. She is fully convinced he doesn’t want to leave and I need to make him not want to. She said to do anything where we are a team, and where we both make a decision.
She told me to make sure we sit in the same space. Basically to get off the loveseat and sit next to him.
She told me to do what it was that I did that worked before. That he’s already started the ball rolling, and I need to pick it up. She said if (basically when) he asks why I’m sitting next to him or touching him say because I LIKE HIM; don’t say I love him.
She said I should ask him for what I want, instead of pointing out he did something wrong (i.e., not taking out the trash). The fewer words the better. Be succinct, brief, and specific. Show gratitude.
Anticipate that things will be going really, really well, and then he’s go see OW. OW will start to feel alone and will pressure him, and he will pull away from me. She told me to remember this conversation, and just kiss him goodbye when he leaves. (This is going to be a hard one!) She said OW is like a mosquito in my ear, and you know what you do to mosquitoes. She said giving her the time of day is like inviting her to dinner at my house.
She said H will not believe the changes. She told me when he mentions it to say all I can do is take it one day at a time. Make no big promises. Explain that I will have bad days.
She also suggested I read the following books, which are talked about on the forum all the time:
-How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It -Five Love Languages -Love & Respect
I think if I sat next to H he would get up and walk away. LOL! And as far as kissing him goodbye, that's no dice. I tried kissing him about a week before he dropped the bomb and he pushed me away. Nice.
H doesn't do much around the house anymore, but when he does do something, I make sure to thank him. He always says you're welcome.
Right now when I am happy around H it seems to make him more miserable and withdrawn.
I need to get another coaching session.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
2. I will not bring up OW. (Take me now, Jesus!) Yeah, so based on my response to #1, you know I suck at this. REALLY need to shut up. I will come here and say I can't stand her and how much cuter I am than she is, however. LOL
3. I will compliment H so that he feels admired by me. I have been doing this, but not alot. Need to work more on this.
4. I will work on not being sarcastic when talking to H. I think I'm doing okay at this, but I do know when I'm feeling anxious about everything, the sarcasm comes out.
5. I will call my stepson at least once a week. I haven't been doing this, but have been talking to him via FB. I need to do better with this.
6. I will work out at least 3 times a week. Yeah, not so much. With my back acting up, I haven't been doing anything. Need to make myself GO...
7. I will read at least one chapter of a M per night. (been really slack here) So haven't been doing this. Need to. I think it will help me handle my sitch a little better.
8. I will do something just for me at least once a week. Have mostly been doing this. And I don't feel bad about it.
9. I will make sure H feels love from me by my words and actions (speaking softly, eye contact when he’s talking, etc.) I have been doing this. I can tell the eye contact thing is working. Because he's started to do it to me, too.
10. I will ask H to have dinner with me once a week (in or out of the house). Haven't done this but we did go out to the movies this past Sunday. Haven't done that since before the bomb!
11. I will do more active listening (eye contact, stop what I’m doing while he is talking, really listen and not think about my response). This is really hard for me. My mind tends to take over and get ready for the response. Need to focus on this.
12. I will kiss/hug H when leaving or entering the house (this is one of his issues; no problem doing it when leaving…entering the house is a different story) I have done this every day since I posted these goals. Since I started it, he's doing it now too!
So clearly I have a bunch of things to continue to work on. Overall, I'm feeling somewhat good about the progress. Some of these were things that I haven't done in a very long time and frankly are not comfortable to me anymore. But I'm pushin myself to do them. Also, I think reading more of the books will help me work on my anger and resentment. I REALLY need to work on this. I know that if I don't get a handle on it now, there really is no chance for my M.
