Wife says it's to far gone

[shockeddad]

Thanks Sandi2, LIO, and Verab754. After reading a lot of the post, I relize all the wrong things I have done. I hope I still have time to try this with her. I will keep my ring on and I can do this and pull away. I know it's going to be tough, but if I want a chance I have to. I do believe tha the W may or is having an EA with OM, but I trust that it has not been PA. They are never together, but on the phone. I still trust her. She admits to talking but swears that's it.

[breakdownbill]

I've tried taking my ring off for a day & I wasn't ready, so I put it straight back on the next day. I think it's more of a powerful for the LBS to keep wearing their ring than to stop wearing it. It shows that you are still commited to the R and is a constant reminder to the WAS that you are married to them, every time they notice it (which we can only speculate on the frequency of that chestnut).

I think it's just good old fashioned reverse psychology, the WAS wants to forget they are M and wants the LBS to notice they aren't wearing the ring; whereas the LBS wants to remind the WAS that they are M and wants the WAS to notice they are wearing the ring.

Bill

[MrBond]

Just so I got things clear. You went out with your W since she was 16 and you were 18 years old?

What did she tell you specifically was wrong with your M? or about you?

It could very well be that she feels like she hasn't had a chance to explore dating others or just doesn't know any better.

[25yearsmlc]

One thing on my mind. She has not had her ring on for about 5 to 6 months. Should I still keep mine on or take it off. How might this affect her?

Do NOTHING to get her to react a certain way or to see how it affects HER.

TAKE NO ACTION TO GET A REACTION...this is about YOU working on YOU, only.


She has to believe that marriage to you, from this day forward

can be better/different than before...

or she won't reconcile..

So you have to demonstrate that improvement, by changing YOU.

NOT CHANGING HER...

YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER HER -AT ALL-

SO DROP THAT EFFORT NOW...it's a waste of time and

makes you miss the opportunity of a life time now, which is for you to

become a man only a fool would leave.

So, how would marriage to you be different?

What are YOU working on in yourself to make that improvment a reality?

[25yearsmlc]

In Jan 11, get back from cruise, she wants to tell me how much of a jerk and a## I have been and if no change, she wants out. But, doesn't tell me because she don't want to hurt my feelings. In July 11, wants to have another baby, I'm not ready yet. Never tells me that anything was bugging her. This whole thing just does not make sense. Thought everthing was great, even getting better over the year, I'm so lost.

So you are saying you thought "everything was great"? Really? "Everything"?

She "wants to tell" you but ...did she say you have a temper or she feared your reaction if she hurt your feelings? B/C some of this does not make sense from YOU...


B/c in your first post, YOU said YOU wanted to get counselling b/c of a fatal fire...so YOU cannot have been feeling all that well.

Don't revise the marriage now, to justify not changing. She is revising it so she can justify leaving and she's going to say how Unhappy she has been...but don't do the same thing in the reverse...

to make it all about how crazy/shocking or nutty her choices to leave are,

b/c while you may believe that makes you look better, it just makes
you powerless.

After all, if you really were a great & perfect h and father

and she still wanted out, then what options do you have now? You'd always face the same thing....But no one is perfect...and that's good.

OR
Do you want to be powerless?

Or do you want to know that you have control over something in your life?

B/C you do. You can change YOU and YOUR LIFE...

SO instead of telling us how wacky SHE Is, or how great the marriage was,

tell us what you think you could be working on to become a better man and h.

And in the meantime

know that no woman is unmoved by the loving interaction of her children with their dad. For many of us it's an emotional turn on.

So be the best dad you can be,

for them, for you and for the long term r you'll have with your w - no matter what else happens.

[shockeddad]

Yes MrBond that would be right. I put my work before the family, I didn't get along with some of her family all the time. I wanted sex to much. Just wasn't there for her. I think it makes her mad that her whole family is behind me. She does come from parents who are both on their third M. Her brother is D and just re M. She is living with him and his new wife said if she was my W, she would have filed already. She comes from a broken family. The W says the kids will be okay, she thinks we could have a good friendship if we get a D, because her mom and dad do.

[sandi2]

Pulling back will not feel natural to you, so expect that....ok? What you "feel" like doing is to pursue her. That's the way men are wired. When you are afraid of losing her, then your natural instincts scream out to grab hold of her. However, it doesn't work when she's a WAW who has lost her attraction for her H and has her attention on the OM.

She's different now. She's not an inexperienced teenager any longer. She's looking for something in this OM that she didn't get in her R with you. I know you want to trust her. That's only natural, too. I suggest you don't ask her questions about OM, her behavior, intentions, past actions, or anything other than what directly concerns the kids. Tough stuff!

Healing from an affair, even an emotional A, is very difficult b/c for the woman, her heart is involved. For men, they have a harder time dealing with a physical A. Either way, it is a rough road and it takes a long time to work through it. She's had a taste of the infidelity drug now, and let me tell you....it is a very addictive feeling.

I'm telling you this so you have an idea of what to expect. Don't throw in the towel, but learn by reading information on line about infidelity and how if affects the wayward spouse and the LBS.

[shockeddad]

The last two days have been a roller coaster, I'm trying to detach myself, it's so hard and feels so wrong. I didn't say very much to at our sons t-ball game, just things about the kids. At first I just sat, I could see In the corner of my I, her kep looking at me. Then we ended up going out to eat with her mom, I did choose to ride in a separate car. She dropped the kids off this morning, don't think I said ten words, she did say see you Tuesday. She told her mom she was not going to family cabins next weekend. Did have to just call her about a couple bills, but made it short. Having a hard time stopping myself from picture her with another man, let alone having sex. Which I believe 100% has not happen. Makes me sick and hurts.

[25yearsmlc]

every one who fears a PA has that same sick feeling. Every one of us.

You have to dig deep and learn some ways of coping with it and even some gimmicks, for the short run just to get you thru this hard horrible time.

Many of us pictured a "Stop Sign" in our minds when the ugly unproductive thoughts creeped in. See the STOP SIGN and STOP THAT TRAIN OF THOUGHT...

DERAIL IT AND REDIRECT IT....go get busy and if you can, do something that takes your MIND off it AND busies and tires your body. Exercise, going to theater (being IN theater) and whatever else can occupy your mind are all good ideas.

Do what you have to do to get past this initial reeling phase.

If you know for an undeniable fact that there's no way you - YOU - could get past this or forgive her for whatever may have happened...

then don't bother dragging it out. Leave now and be done.


But most of us, NOT ALL but most, find we can forgive more than we believed, if we want to. And if we learn how...we cannot hold an affair (of any sort) over a WAS head if there is to be a recon and they cannot fear we will...

I know I forgave more than I thought I should or could.

I had to LEARN how to forgive b/c I never saw it growing up.

It's a learned skill and it's NOT just about wanting the marriage to work out or to forgive the spouse (even if you don't think they "deserve" it).

It is truly really, I SWEAR-- about freeing yourself of the consuming pain that jealousy and betrayal can create in US, not them.

Holding onto that pain, b/c you don't think they deserve you letting go of it, only and truly hurts YOU.

Realize this^^^^....


"Staying angry at someone to punish them, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes."

When I realized how much my pain and anger were consuming ME, (not my h or anyone else)

just ME (OH AND my kids - b/c I wasn't fully present for them cuz my anger/pain so pre-occupied ME....

so they were losing 2 parents at once)

that realization helped me to learn to LET IT GO...

whatever you have no control over, isn't yours so let it go....remember that.

And taking control over what really belongs to you (which is just you)

simplifies your life and future, and when seen in the proper light;

is empowering. So take back your life and let the anger go...one day at a time.


My miracle-

We went on a 4 day trip w/h and our kids about 9 weeks before "Sep day" b/c he had a conference in Palm Springs. I did NOT want to go and felt h did not deserve that "pretense" that all was fine or well or that I was okay w/his plans to leave...

but my DB coach said it'd be good for the girls to go and have some good memories of family time.

Plus it'd give h something happy and fun- TO MISS...(b/c no one misses the pain and anger and guilt & fighting)

since it was only 4 days I felt I could probably do it.

Decided No matter what triggers or buttons were pushed, I would not be nasty.

I told myself I'd be frickin' Mother Teresa FOR FOUR DAYS...if that is what it took to not say one single negative....

B/C it was only for 4 days, I'm embarrassed to admit, I told myself "it's okay b/c you can be mad again next week! " and that actually got me motivated to make it for those four days.

(Hey I'm not proud of that,^^ but it's true...)

So NO criticism from me, regardless of snarky comments by h, or my perception of that or any irritabity from him, I, 25, would NOT be the one to break the internal truce I had made w/life...

no negatives were going to come from ME...for those 4 days.


Funny thing happened.

After only a day in the car, maybe 2, I began to see h in a better light b/c I forced myself to interpret things positively instead of negatively.

E.G., When h began teaching our d's something about botany, I didn't roll my eyes and think "h is such a nerd, AND monopolizing the conversation"...

instead I actually felt a little pride in the intelligence and education of the mate I'd chosen. (Who knew??)

And I worked on what I MYSELF could do to improve the moment or day...

THEN H began to feel happier and more relaxed and he got a lot less critical too....we had a really fun four days.

I think to this day it was really a lesson I/we needed....which is that we glimpsed what forgiveness would look like.

So, from this day forward....you can do this. Focus on YOU...& the positives...

[shockeddad]

I hope this detachment is not coming across as a jerk. When we talk or seen each other, I have made her start the talking. Acting like she is not really there. Just saying up or okay. It's been hard not to say I love you or have a good night or week. Or can I say a few things like that? Seen that she picked up a book, divorce in Michigan. I think she really wants this, hope I still have time to try and change things.