Hi Tinker - Thanks for stopping by my thread, I've been following yours, too. I just purchased the Passion Trap today and have read the intro and first half of chapter 1 on the way home. I also purchased "The High Conflict Couple" yesterday but haven't read it yet.
As for the helicopter trip - is there any chance you could get a refund, or take someone else, if you think it will be too inflammatory to give to him right now given his reaction to your moving back in? As for him stopping his activities - maybe he's a bit depressed?
Hi Vera, thanks for your post, depression is something I've considered, especially knowing his dad has always suffered with it and had a breakdown about 20 years ago. I'm trying my best not to label anything though - it could just be they've all told him they think he's mad and he doesn't want to hear it.
H rang me last night, told me there's no chance for us, we can't keep doing this and he's holding me back. I just agreed, and said its just that I find it hard sometimes to reconciling the 'we' we are now with the 'we' we are now, but I'm getting there, and doing fine. He's gone to his parents for the weekend, and when he arrived sent me a text saying to never be sorry for sharing my feelings with him and asking if I was ok. I had gone out to meet friends and was wearing a dress I wore when I first met his parents. I replied later on and said something along the line of 'wearing my black dress with flowers on, a few people have commented on it, just made me think of the when I wore it when you first took me to meet your parents. Hope you're ok' and ended with a smiley face. He text about an hour later just saying 'night night'. I haven't replied.
Just to add, when he called to say there was no chance, he brought it up. I answered the called, and told him about my day, which was really good work wise. He then said he doesn't feel there's any chance for us. I felt a bit frustrated - fine if I ask and open myself up to that sort of answer, but doesn't he really need to bring it up on his own?!
Having read this recent thread I would suggest you find someone else for the birthday gift. That is pretty excessive for someone who is treating you this way. The 180 would be to do NOTHING for his birthday, and I know from personal experience how easy it is to convince ourselves that giving gifts is the "right" thing to do, but I am guessing your DB coach would say otherwise. Also my WAW has found new friends (actually high school folks from 30 years ago) who don't know me or the kids, see one side of our situation, and so will validate her every move, feeling and tactic. Our mutual friends who know us both are probably wondering, like me, when this alien being is going to be returned to whatever planet, and the real person returned. That could be months away, if ever.
Any chance you can go dark on him again?
M 53, W 48 T 25, M 18 S 15, D 11 "I'me done!" 6/13/2010 Exit started 8/21/2011 ILYBNILWY W consults with L 9/2011, no papers filed Separated 1/16/2012
Thanks for posting UKVA - I had kind of come to that conclusion about the present. I might just go myself, would love to go on a helicopter! Luckily it really didn't cost very much because the company were doing a promotional offer, I could never have afforded it otherwise! I think going dark is the only way now, not to try and be punitive but because I need the time to get myself back again, I was doing so well! And work is good, I have a lovely little house I could be doing work to. I'm understanding more than ever what cadet means about having the gift of time.
I have no reason to contact him at all, and at least I guess my last message to him was a positive one. My brother's wedding is going to be hard, I'm doing a reading about the promises yo make when getting married, but I'm determined to ensure he has the best day ever and doesnt have any need to worry about me. I know h is still going on the holiday with his parents, which again I'll find hard, but there are worse things going on.
I went to a lunch yesterday and sat next to a lady who had breast cancer in 2009 and lost her husband last year. She's just got back from base camp Everest, raising money for charity. Wow! She said she was determined not to let the bad times define her, and she wanted to be a role model for her children.
It kind of reminded me of when I was 19, and my mum past away. I was determined to become a woman she would be proud of. I need to try and find that again. I think it's when you go through turmoil that you can really grow as a person - at the minute I feel that I'm learning, and changing and growing, but my H is standing still.
Oh boy, you are the mirror image of my situation. My WAW refuses to work on anything, did 8 months of MC before confessing that she did it just to get the strength to tell me she is never coming back. So much for the marriage being the client! If you asked her she would still maintain she was an angel and I was the ogre. Fortunately our mutual friends at least understand it takes two people to cause these problems.
If you can, find a supportive friend to attend your brothers wedding. Yes, it will be tough but grow through it. You sound like a strong enough person, and while the reading will feel ironic at best, know that those things are real and important to those attending. When is the wedding?
Just remember that you are going dark for you, don't concern yourself with the impact on him or what he does with it. I went dark (ish, we have kids) about 4 weeks ago and dialed my communication right back to basics. I don't know for sure, but I think my W has seen it and reacted in a negative way, becoming angrier (if that is possible!) with me. However, last Wednesday we saw each other for the first time in 4 weeks and I did a great job with the 4 Cs which I know she saw. Plus I actually looked at her and wondered why I felt so intimidated by seeing her. She looked rough, like she had lost 15lbs which she cannot afford to lose. Gaunt, borderline anorexic.
You know to work on yourself, you cannot control anyone else. If he wants to stand still refusing to grow that is not your issue. As many in this community say, make yourself someone only a fool would leave. Then if he does, you know that you can move on to something so so much better.
As a humorous aside, I have ridden in a helicopter once and I hope you have a strong stomach because my experience was not that great. They pitch and roll in so many ways that I just about held my lunch in. Good luck!
M 53, W 48 T 25, M 18 S 15, D 11 "I'me done!" 6/13/2010 Exit started 8/21/2011 ILYBNILWY W consults with L 9/2011, no papers filed Separated 1/16/2012
Thanks UKVA, what you say about turning yourself into someone ANYONE would be a fool to leave is a very good point, one I'd forgotten - I need to start making a list of things to keep me focused! From reading other posts, I think your wife reacting negatively is a sure sign she has noticed your pulling back, and it's having an impact on her. you've done really well to keep it going for 4 weeks and not react. I think they look for, or try to provoke reactions, to try and validate their feelings. What you say about her weight loss and looking gaunt - is this a recent development?
The most important thing I need to do now is work on my self esteem - this last time with my H I've found myself thinking he's absolutely right, why would anyone want to be with me, let alone him.
I don't know about anyone else, but I find listening to certain songs really empowers and motivates me to improve my life. At the moment I'm listening to:
Tim McGraw - live like you were dying Lee Ann Womack - I hope you dance Ron pope - good day
I know she must have noticed the pull back; I have gone from the long flowing e-mails full of superfluous tidbits to just the facts, Ma'am. While I know it is the right thing to do I wonder if she thinks it is my agreement that we need to get the big D? In her odd way of thinking right now I could see it.
Next Friday we have agreed to meet, just the two of us, for the first time in months. She has been bugging me that we have things to discuss, but my DB coach says on no account talk about big D, just kids stuff and summer schedule. My W is going to get blind sided (I think) when I tell her our current living arrangements are not going to work for the summer and I want a change. Currently we switch between our home where the kids are and an apt on a week to week basis. I agreed to do this while I thought our MC was working on our marriage. Silly me. Since she is a teacher with the summer off our access to the kids would be skewed with our current arrangement so I am going to ask her nicely to let me have the house for at least the summer. Also she IS the one who wants the new living arrangement so perhaps this is right anyway. I don't expect a good reception, but plan to tell her that on 6/17 (Father's Day) when I get back from camping with my son, I plan to be at the house full time. If she is there I will take it as a sign that she wants to work on things, but she will not
My W has always been slim, but what I saw last week shocked me. And I spend a lot of time around runners so I know skinny! It looked unhealthy. My bet is that when she is away form the kids there is not much thought put into dinner, and that she is tiring of the effort single life requires. This is recent and I wonder if my going dim (as opposed to dark) has contributed.
I have been reading another chain this evening "this rocky path WILL smooth out", and there is some great stuff in there about MLC that certainly applies to my WAW including this nugget:
An MLC... is willing to do the tough work... to avoid the tough work...
which describes what my WAW will do to avoid trying to fix things!
Here's a song for you, Maybe by Ingrid Michaelson
Cheers
M 53, W 48 T 25, M 18 S 15, D 11 "I'me done!" 6/13/2010 Exit started 8/21/2011 ILYBNILWY W consults with L 9/2011, no papers filed Separated 1/16/2012
I know she must have noticed the pull back; I have gone from the long flowing e-mails full of superfluous tidbits to just the facts, Ma'am. While I know it is the right thing to do I wonder if she thinks it is my agreement that we need to get the big D? In her odd way of thinking right now I could see it.
That's the thing - we can't be worried about how the S takes our changed behavior. Only when they feel truly free would they be able to turn around and look at what they are leaving. Thus, even if you wonder that she thinks your actions constitute an agreement to D, that would not be a bad thing. Does that make sense?
