Needing some guidance... 3

[RoRoinMD]

Jks, I agree with La Bug that you need to focus on doing things for you, and not so your H will notice. I am going to suggest volunteering as well since your L advised you not to work. It's a great way to get out of the house and it costs nothing.

Also, since your budget is tight, look for free or very low cost GAL ideas - check your local newspaper's weekend section for free museums, shows, etc. Lots of churches have free Mother's Day/Night out activities, which often include free childcare. I would say find one or two you feel comfortable with and start getting out. You don't have to participate in other church stuff if that's not your thing. But who doesn't want to take advantage of free childcare? LOL

[scaredsilly]

if you really want to break them up, send the kids over as much as possible when they are together. at six, four, and one, they will be a handful. nothing stresses out a relationship more than someone else's kids. trust me.

[labug]

I know you're hurting and you're lonely and this situations su*ks and is truly unfair. But it will get better.

What is really concerning is you are so unhappy because you're not being validated by your H so you want another man to validate you. That problem has nothing to do with your marriage or your H, that is squarely yours. Please be aware of that and find help.

Have you read Codependent No more? If not it might be helpful to help you see your patterns. Getting this sorted out will make you a happier person and able to have healthy relationships.

[labug]

edit^ be helpful to

[jks]

You're right, 9 months of this and I do just want to feel loved. I have felt so alone and so trapped it has been so unbearable. I'm so tired of being sad, lonely, and unwanted.

I will look into those things you mentioned, Ro. I am attending a photographer's retreat this upcoming weekend which will be the best thing ever. Meeting new people and reconnecting with some old friends. Plus, feeling creatively energized will bring me back to where I need to be.

So, yes, H will have the kids quite a bit more. (Although, I do think the time away from his kids has really given him some perspective. So it may have been a good thing to keep them as long as I did.)

I am having a rough one today. Wow...

[bustingout]

Hi jks,

i am really new here. I just read your posts though and i feel so connected to the pain, confusion, anger and hurt you are feeling. our stories are similar in the sense that the OW swooped in when we were at a low, that she first became his 'best friend', that she will hold on because she has wanted him for so long. Twins seperated at birth?!?!

i just want to say that i understand what you are feeling. especially the pain of the broken family. i feel the same about my kids, my life. Maybe there is some comfort in knowing we are not alone.

I know you can get better advice from others that have been here longer and that have had some experience in DBing, but one thing i can say because its something i have really been trying to do as well is focus on YOU and your beautiful three gifts that you have and that need you more than ever now.

your friend..

[jks]

H just came to pick up the kids. I was happy and nice. Tried to dress and smell my best! LOL!

He asked a lot of questions about the retreat I'm going to this weekend and about the kids. Once he got them all buckled in their seats he looked at me and said, "thank you." I said "you're welcome." And walked inside.

I miss him. These types of interactions DO NOT help me. He is a good person and I know this. I've always known this. So for us to be cordial and nice to each other just makes it that much harder. I know it may help him because then he thinks that I'm ok. Which is what he wants. But I just downright miss him.

Time to GAL. Thanks for letting me vent...

[Accuray]

JKS,

I know you are really hurting, and I know how hard it is to have 3 young kids all by yourself, it is completely and utterly exhausting! You feel trapped when you have no adult interaction -- I hear you, believe me I do.

I thought you said that OW had been on the prowl with more guys at work than just your H -- if that's true (and even if it's not), the bloom WILL come off the rose. There is nothing more special about their relationship than the one you had with H.

A few suggestions for you:

1) You are making "low value statements" about yourself. If you make those statements, or if you feel that way, it becomes self-reinforcing, as others then see you as low-value too. You need to change your vocabulary and make high value statements about yourself. You are a great mother, you are a great wife, it is H's loss that he's missing out, etc. etc. If you look at yourself this way, it also becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy, as others will see you that way too, it's infectious.

2) Scaredsilly is right, going 50/50 on custody with H is going to be good all the way around. Having 3 little kids in their relationship will make things more real, particularly when the kids are challenging. The flip side is you get relief and time to GAL. I would do week on / week off, or every 3 days, or whatever you can work out.

3) In terms of low cost GAL, look for volunteer activities, meetups, and sports teams.

Sending positive thoughts your way!

Accuray

[jks]

Accuray!! So good to have you back! It's been a while. I hope things are going well for you and your W.

Yes, OW has a major texting problem with men. She seeks out attention this way. And she is one of the only female officers in the department so therefore she naturally gets a lot of attention. I heard that she was just waiting for someone to become available from one of the guys that she works very closely with. So, yes, once the reality of my children being there day in and day out sets in, then maybe H won't look as appealing.

You are right about the "low value" statements. I have been having a rough day. The build up of having my kids for so long and not having any time to myself has really been wearing on me. And, like I said before, H just continues on with life. Running a marathon and going to a work Gala with OW. It is really painful.

Bustingout, I will have to catch up on your sitch. Does sound like we were twins separated at birth!! What in the world??? So sorry you're going through this too...

So now's my chance. I'm so excited about this photography retreat this weekend. It is seriously what I need in a major way.

I'm also going to seriously look in to volunteering. That is such a great way to get out and do something for others. Perfect self-esteem booster!! Thanks to all of you for your guidance... these forums are very much my strength right now.

I will have better things to post later this week, I just know it!

[Accuray]

JKS,

I also want to comment on what Labug said -- yes, it is not good to rely upon H to validate you, or in his absence to date someone else so that person can validate you. It's obviously better if you can self-validate (thus my comment about consciously avoiding low value statements and always trying to make high-value ones)

That said, companionship is something that humans "need", so obviously it's not realistic to be 100% self-validating. Like many things in life, it's a tradeoff, SOME of your validation MUST come from yourself, but I don't think it's realistic to expect to get NONE from anyone else.

The trap that many people fall into is having a reflected sense of self, or deriving their entire self-worth from the reaction of their spouse. It's not good to live there, but it's not good to be a hermit on the other end of the spectrum either, who needs nothing from anybody.

I'm going to say this, and it's probably controversial on the DB board, but I did feel better by talking to women who I considered to be friends when I was at my worst. Now obviously you have to be careful and realistic -- you don't want to start an EA with a married person, and you don't want to give a single person the wrong idea if you're just looking for some connection and they are looking for a serious relationship. If you do know someone, however, where you can keep it completely platonic, they understand and you understand, then I think it can be helpful to forge that connection. Sure it's a crutch, and sure it can lead to trouble, you just need to go into it eyes-wide-open.

It worked for me, and I do have to tell you it felt good to have other women telling me I am a good husband, and that I did not deserve to be cheated on. Ironically, the women I spoke to were more angry at my W's behavior than my male friends were.

I share this with you knowing full well that it's controversial, may be non-DB, but also that it did help to get me through.

In terms of my sitch (since you asked ) it's going ok. Ironically once I had done a 180 on all W's bomb complaints, it turns out she didn't want the 180's she thought she wanted. You reach an equilibrium in a relationship for a reason -- there are personality and interpersonal forces that pull you there, and the cycles become self-reinforcing. That "place" has a strong pull in our relationship, and to stay away from it takes effort. I'm still committed to making that effort. My "love language" is words of affirmation, and W has told me that it makes her feel badly to "speak" that love language, so she's not going to do it. That puts me in a tough spot, as when other women speak that language to me, it makes me feel really good and makes the relationship look less attractive by contrast. I can see this happening to me when it happens.

My challenge is to accept that W will not speak that language, and as Labug suggests, find ways to need it less.

Accuray