for sure verab - i love to travel - and can definitely envision me and s taking off there for a summer. who knows where i'll land up.
it's really strange how things happen. and now when i am "relaxing into the situation" not so overcome and needy - i'm starting to see and hear things that are really helping me change my perspective - towards myself, the relationship, h, life.
this conversation was not isolated - something odd happened the week before. i was all emotional talking to my best friends h, and he told me that my h and he had had a conversation months ago, where my h had told him that if zig ever moved to some other place - he would drop his job and life and move there too in order to be close to s.
i was absolutely stunned!! really stunned. and that's when i realized how warped and defensive i am towards h. all these years, i felt a bit stuck here with him - slightly trapped - that it was somehow my duty in some way to stay here for h, his family. i didn't have the self-confidence to understand that there could be other options.
and then suddenly this info - it changed so much how i see h now - that he really does consider that i might want things differently. i was so sure that if i tried to move ,i would be fighting him tooth and nail over s - to the point where i didn't dare even think about it.
then this invitation - and i think that's when i realized that if i feel the freedom within myself - then it doesn't matter where i am. when that "threat" of possibly fighting over s and where he would live, was removed, i didn't feel so trapped here.
just goes to show how 1) we can really assume stuff, and how little i know h because of how much i may have been projecting my own stuff on him and 2} how little i knew myself and how unconfident i was
and all of this during the first stages of really detaching and letting go.
interesting how these things go together, huh?
hope you're well today
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
1) we can really assume stuff, and how little i know h because of how much i may have been projecting my own stuff on him and 2} how little i knew myself and how unconfident i was
I think this sabotages so many R.
Our preconceived notions.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I am glad you got value out of my post. You are doing well, zig. No matter what happens with the M, you will have a great future for yourself.
Originally Posted By: zig
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
so he might think of an idea and put it out there, but expect that you will take charge / control and do it... or if not, then he would do it and would be chastised for the WAY he did it... not up to your expectations... he doesn't trust that you actually will entrust him to something...
right on the mark again - is this universal - or only me?
I would say this is pretty universal.
People have a tendency to do things that serve them.
So when you take charge, he doesn't have to. And yes, I completely understand how you get excited about something and just run with it. I'm like that, too.
Unfortunately, sometimes that is seen by others as controlling. And in some ways, it is. It's very passive, but what happens is we take on ownership of someone else' idea.
Figure out a way to trigger yourself around this and learn to only become involved IF asked. And ONLY DO what is asked of you.
Perhaps it would help to think about it from your perspective.
When you get an idea that excites you, you run with it and tell others about it. How would you feel if someone suddenly stepped in and got it all done for you?
Sure, you might feel happy that it is done, but we often get our greatest pleasure from the journey.
You can not support someone in their own greatness if you do things for them.
Your H will do something if it serves him. Let him learn the difference between saying something just to say it vs. doing something to serve his own needs or desires vs. saying something as a way to have someone rescue him.
ie.
H - "That drip in the bathroom sink is annoying."
Z - "I'll call the plumber and get it fixed."
versus
H - "That drip in the bathroom sink is annoying."
Z - "I understand how you could feel that way."
If it's really annoying for your H, he will solve the problem because it serves him. Otherwise, he might lean on his old patterns of getting someone to rescue him, even if he doesn't outright ask.
He'll have choices on his thought. Either talk about it just because he does that or take charge and fix the problem, either by doing it himself, making a call to a plumber, or asking and entrusting you to get it done.
Just be careful not to own the problem. As soon as you own the problem, you've taken on his meaning as your own and you will then get into expectation mode and then become upset when he DOES NOT do something about it.
Notice, all he did was mention the drip and a feeling in the same sentence.
We might assume it is a problem because of the meaning we place on the word annoying.
I could say the bird chirping outside my window is annoying. It is, early in the morning on a weekend when I can sleep in. But I love hearing the chirp of birds. If I mention it, it's not because it's a problem. If it's a problem, it's only a problem within a specific context...
But the only meaning is mine and it may or may not change and it may or may not be a problem and I may or may not do something about it.
It's all about context. And that context is only relevant to me. And I will do or not do, as it serves me, about it.
i'm having a shaky moment here - and working hard to get past it. this is where the challenge comes in for me.
just found out (and i had assumed otherwise) that ow has possibly been here since last weekend. i thought she was coming in for this weekend since he asked that s stay this weekend, but found out from our mutual friend that she saw ow last weekend.
i think i'm stunned - that he managed to hide it so well for so many days. he's seen us several times - taken s for a few hrs here and there. now i understand why he balked at going to play frisbee last weekend - i thought it was because i pressured him -it was because she was here
oh well - i called my sweet friend and had a good cry, and talked myself down from it to a better place.
i keep feeling really strongly that he can't give her up until he sees something here with us that convinces him that it's worth another path for him. and so i'm still standing, remembering the recipe and telling myself, that heck, if she lived in town, he'd be with her everyday.
i'm also trying to see the positive actions from h - i have the gift from him that he is not involving s in his relationship with ow - and i respect him so much for not doing that. i am seeing that as a gift in this situation - that he is respecting both s and me so much that he's keeping it separate.
but gosh, i need a hug!!
KD - i'll respond to your post later - thank you.
i need to get on track here and continue my day as planned - to focus on s and finish our project no matter what else is going on.
i need to stop letting h's actions make me fall apart so that the rest of my day is f'd. i will not let what he is doing control my emotions to that degree. they have until now, but no more.
i'm determined to just finish my cry, and get on with stuff - and really enjoy it. i had a moment of reaction to what happened and now i will be over it.
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
