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#2245796 - 05/16/12 10:06 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1289
By the way....I got the same "you're wasting atty fees" speech from mediator, too.

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#2245833 - 05/17/12 12:51 AM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: ]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
So sorry, Crimson!
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



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#2245839 - 05/17/12 01:23 AM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: jks]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Crimson - sorry the hearing was so rough. At least you got that part out of the way. I'd imagine it is kind of like ripping off a bandaid. The quicker you rip it off, the faster y'all can heal.

It is crazy how the WAW thinks and views things. How easily you could have turned the tables on your W and said that she was making all nicey nice simply as a ploy to get more time with your S. And that she was stringing you along for her own nefarious purposes. And that she put together her "gratitude letter" simply to gain your favor just before the hearing. But you didn't and the fact that she can't see that now is just sad.

The Pastor in my church recently said that God never wastes our pain. I think there is some truth in that!

Hang in there!
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2245853 - 05/17/12 02:26 AM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: 2thepoint]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1289
Yeah - thanks, 2TP. I thought all the same things. I think she is lost right now and there is nothing I can do to help. If I am nice, it is a ploy - if I stand my ground I am manipulative or a jerk. I really can't win.

For too long I have been pinning my mood and self esteem on however she felt about me at any given moment. Enough.

Crimson

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#2245854 - 05/17/12 02:28 AM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1289
I have never forgotten about what 25yearsmlc said - that when she had totally accepted that fact that her marriage was over and literally moved on - things got better. I think I am walking up the driveway to that house right now and might start ringing the bell soon.

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#2245856 - 05/17/12 03:01 AM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
Shaky Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/11
Posts: 67
Loc: Hillsboro,Or.
Crimson-

Sorry about the meeting, I really think she strung you along just to get what she wanted. Hopefully you can get through this and get back to a somewhat normal life with or without your wife.

Doesn't mean you have to give up just set some boundaries and keep your expectations low to keep your sanity.

I cannot for the life of me understand why she would ask for help with the frozen embryo. Was she thinking that if she had another baby everything would be fantastic even if you weren't part of her life. What is your take on that?

Shaky
_________________________
M 42
W 41
S 10
D 7
M 15 Years
T 20 Years
Divorce busted

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#2245858 - 05/17/12 03:14 AM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Shaky]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1289
Dude, it befuddles me.

I think that she wants to be a mother again - and isn't thinking through the consequences of doing it "on her own" with the embryo. She said that it was "something that we started as a married couple" that we need to see through. She's gonna be 39, and probably feels that time is almost up for her in a lot of regards so that would have been the easiest way to get there. To divorce, date, find someone and get pregnant is not a quick thing.

I know there is nothing I can do about it, but a lot of her actions just defy conventional logic. I think the stress has her thinking "off" some. I mean really, how did she expect the settlement hearing to be "as amicable and smooth as we make it". It's a war between two parties with different, conflicting goals and objectives. It's almost as if when she has to taste the reality of all of this she freaks out.

I really am checking out for awhile. I still love her, I still care about her deeply and the sad thing is I don't want her mad at me because I want her to come back. But I can't keep going like this. I need some time off.

Crimson

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#2245859 - 05/17/12 03:18 AM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1289
......rant, continued......I mean, can you imagine how hard it would be to have a three year old, and a newborn on your own in an 900 sqft condo?? And still have a job to go to??? How would that work?? And I can't breastfeed - what does she think? I would say - just keep him/her for the next year until he/she can take a bottle?? I would want to be with him/her....and she would NEED me to be. That is why I think her logic/thinking is "off" right now.

I just know I am tired of getting attacked when I am working with the best of intentions. I can't take it anymore. Like I said, I love her dearly - butI have to get off of this ride.

Crimson

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#2245869 - 05/17/12 04:22 AM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
Crazyville Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/12
Posts: 1047
This seems like a time for you so calmly tell her that this is the course she's chosen. That with you, she gets one set of rules; without you, she gets another. It's not an ultimatum, just a fact of life. She simply can't have her cake and eat it, too.
_________________________
Me:49 WAW H:59
T:19.5 M:19
S:13

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#2245878 - 05/17/12 05:40 AM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crazyville]
Shaky Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/11
Posts: 67
Loc: Hillsboro,Or.
Originally Posted By: Crazyville
This seems like a time for you so calmly tell her that this is the course she's chosen. That with you, she gets one set of rules; without you, she gets another. It's not an ultimatum, just a fact of life. She simply can't have her cake and eat it, too.


Yes, I agree. I'm not very good at mind reading but I can tell you from all the threads I have read, friends going through this and even my personal situation there will be a time that your wife will wake up and try to get you back. I have seen it time and time again. Problem I see is you have done all the work to better yourself but what has she done? At the moment she thinks she is perfect and you are the issue.

You will need to decide is it worth the wait, I had some serious resentment issues I had to work through. I set a target of 1 year, if within that time my wife didn't try to work on relationship I was out. You should try to wait it out and when she is ready get her to MC.

Shaky
_________________________
M 42
W 41
S 10
D 7
M 15 Years
T 20 Years
Divorce busted

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