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i need something. i have no money for a lawyer. and i really dont care. she can have whatever. i will get by. i always have. i have never cared about money. the hard part in all of this is seeing my family vanish. and now all the things around the house with memories of good times is going away too. it is so hard. i cant stay positive. i am backsliding horribly. she asks me if i care about her taking something. i say yes, then she says something, and i respond back. i am going to fail at this in a hurry. i feel like i am losing my mind. i know what i'm not supposed to do, and here i am doing it. what is wrong with me? i am nailing the divorce coffin shut. uugghh
HB - You really need to take a deep breath and slow down, way down. You've been at this just a few short months. Have you not learned anything yet about how to make the most of the time you have to work on yourself, detach and get a life?
Look, I know this stuff is horribly difficult. We are all enduring the same heartache as you. But what is different is that many of us have found ways to get our minds of our troubles and focus on the things we can control.
Do you read some of the other threads? If not, you really should. There is so much to be gleaned from reading and absorbing and implementing some of the things others are doing to cope. There are certain posters who dispense wisdom like it is candy. And even though they are sharing their thoughts and ideas and experiences with others, it doesn't mean you can't use what they say for your own purposes.
In the business I used to work in we had a sort of tongue in cheek saying called C.A.S.E. which stood for Copy And Steal Everything. On the boards and in the forums there is a feast of information at your disposal. Use it and save yourself!
Me49 W52 S16 S12 M21 T24 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
i read alot of threads. i dont comment because i feel i have no help to offer. i obviously dont know how to detach or GAL. i try. doesnt seem to work.
bug- im not hsving a pity party. and i dont call my sponsor for W problems. i didnt know i was supposed to. i want my kids to see a healthy adult. very much. i dont know why i let my W get to me the way i do. i thought i was doing good at detachment. now im back to where i started. i am no good at hiding my feelings. i need to work on that tremendously. people i know say i have changed alot. not enough for my W to notice. oh well. i try everyday to become a better person. she knows how to stab me where it hurts the most. then it seems like my progress vanishes, because old behaviors come back. i dont know why. i have poor self control, is all i can think of. i feel sick knowing this is stopping my progress.
sometime on or before the 24th i go to jail for 26 days. i am buyin my son a cellphone tomorrow so i can call and tell him and my D goodnite. ask about their day etc. i am not going to contact W for that time period. i am goin to try going dark. maybe i can accomplish that. idk.
I'm sure you've changed but I would guess your wife doesn't want to see your changes and if she does, doesn't believe they'll last. Keep working on you.
Maybe you should talk to your sponsor about how he sees his role. I'm in a different 12-Step and the sponsors are there to talk through difficult situations that flip the brain switch into the old ways of thinking and coping.
How about if you change your thought process from, "I'm going to try" to "I am going to"? Don't give yourself an out.
Good luck with the jail time.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful ~Terri St. Cloud
i dont mean try. i mean do. like yoda says. =) i talk to my sponsor one on one, once a week. he gives me assignments to do that help with where i am at. he knows about my sitch and tries to help as much as he can. i have been thinking alot about how i react. i can only describe it like a wounded animal. i dont know if that makes sense. i need to start 'playing dead' so to speak. i want to have this work out, but i need to stop trying. i want to concentrate on me, i am just so easily sucked in. it disgusts me. i know it is because of my stubborness and fear of change. even when stuff isnt going good (ie. alcoholism) my absolute fear of change gets in the way. it is a huge problem that i am working on. it is going good with aa. hopefully te tools i learn there will be able to translate to other areas. i know what i need to do. once i let go, things should get better.
the jail time is no big deal. i have work release so i will only be sleeping there. i still work and will be able to call my kids everyday. i am planning on no contact with W whatsoever. if she contacts me, i am going to be polite and not talk to long. that is a goal anyway. another one is to shut my mouth! the more i talk the more it goes bad. its like diarrea of the mouth. it is horrible. i have the kids all next week, then she has them till i am out of jail. that is going to be very hard for me. i will miss them so much. i know they will miss me too.
another thing i am having a hard time with is mothers day. her mom and dad(who is threatening to shoot me, lol) will be in town. she wants to go to church as a family and then out for brunch. i dont know how i feel about that. i am going to church regardless of who goes. that i do for me. the brunch thing i think i want to skip. any advice or feedback?
tonight is going pretty good so far. i havent pursued or argued at all. she asked me to cook supper for her on mothers day. i said i would think about it. we played some games with the kids. felt like a real family for a bit. was pretty nice. i dont expect it to happen very often, so if it does i will enjoy the moment while it lasts. i have to detach. i guess i better do it instead of talking about it. the way i have bee doing things is not only hurtin my chances at R, it is getting in the way of focusing on myself. i need to do that. i am going to.