In-Home Separation, One Year Point

[AlwaysTrying]

40 cloves of garlic? Will you share the recipe?

I love cooking with garlic, but I still can't peel it worth a *&^%! I've only been cooking for real for a couple of months, but even though I almost always use garlic, I'm still fumbling trying to get it out of it's skin.

40 cloves?!?!?! No way! That would take me an hour!

[Rick1963]

Always lay the garlic clove on a cutting board. With a large knife place the side of it over the garlic and press it. It will crush it making it easy to peel. Don't cut yourself k.

[labug]

^^^works every time.

[adinva]

I smack it, but pressing it sounds safer. The heavier the knife, the more satisfying the 'smack.'

It's from Joy of Cooking, super easy, and actually you don't even peel the garlic in this one.

Take 1 3.5-4 lb chicken, throw away the gizzard stuff inside it.
Rub the skin with olive oil and then a mixture of 1 tsp dried thyme, 1 tsp dried sage, 1/2 tsp salt, 1/2 tsp dried rosemary, and 1/2 tsp black pepper. I use the salt and pepper but just barely wave the thyme and rosemary over it bc my family doesn't like herb flavors.

Place into the cavity one lemon cut into quarters.

Put it breast side up in a flameproof casserole, cover, refrigerate for 2 to 24 hours (or not) to infuse with flavor.

Add 3 garlic heads, cloves separated but not peeled
1-3/4 cups chicken stock or broth
1 c dry white wine

Bring o a boil on the stovetop. Cover with a lid or foil and transfer to the center of the oven. Roast at 375 for 25 min, increase the temp to 450 and uncover. Roast 30-45 min more. Add wine or stock as needed to make sure there is always some liquid in the bottom of the casserole.

That's all I do, but the recipe continues. Remove the chicken and garlic from the casserole and keep warm. Skim as much fat as possible from the pan juices with a spoon. If the juices are watery or weak in flavor, boil them down over high heat to concentrate. Transfer the juices to a saucepan. If you wish, peel 6 or more of the garlic cloves and mash to a paste, then stir into the sauce and boil for 1 minute. Remove the sauce from the heat and stir in 2 T minced parsley or finely shredded basil or 2 tsp of minced thyme, tarragon, or rosemary. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Cut the chicken into serving pieces and arrange on a platter. Spoon the pan juices over it and scatter the garlic cloves around it. Bon apetit!

[BFloat]

AT.. they also sell those handy little things where you put the clove of garlic.. rub it.. and it peels the garlic for you. my H likes to use it. i just smack it w/ the knife ^^^^ lol

Ad.. i've been meaning to ask you.. when you disagree w/ H's parenting choices.. what do you do? do you talk about it? or do you just suck it in? i've been wondering.. i remember you saying something about H and how he is around the kids sometimes. i don't doubt that my H loves the kids. but it really does seem that he doesn't find joy in just being with them. he has all these good intentions but there's no follow through.. with plans and such. and then he gets worked up over small things. you'd think that a man who only sees his kids about 4 days every 2 weeks would want to make the most of it. and i find myself biting my tongue a lot when i want to say.. why are you getting so upset??

do you ever question yourself there? like.. why am i getting upset w/ H? is it my own need to have him be a certain way? just looking for your take on it.

[adinva]

Hi Barely!

In counseling early on I got hit with a 2x4 a few times about assuming that my way was right and H's was wrong. Even if I can explain it in a way that sounds like mine is obviously right and his is outrageous, T would bring me back around.

First, moms and dads are inherently different and for good reason. So H isn't likely to turn into a nurturing mom. Second, H has his own reality that is just as real to him as mine is to me - the trick is negotiating those differences with respect for each others' point of view. So H not hugging and kissing them like I do isn't necessarily an awful thing always. Third, if I had a concern I could ask questions framed as my concern which is based on my own issues or frame of reference. Recognizing that his experience may be different, what does he think about xyz, can he help me understand where he's coming from. I needed to try to have such a conversation without an investment in the outcome of it, in order to hear and understand him.

And apart from IC, I think there are things h has to learn without me telling him because he resists me imposing my "rightness" on him.

What you can't do is make him see or realize anything or do anything. What you can do is tell him when you have a concern and listen to what he says. What you can and should do is talk to your kids, model what you think is right, and encourage them to express how they feel about things and what they need.

You should stop judging H for what he's doing with the kids. Maybe ask questions. If he asks for your opinion then you could offer suggestions.

I'll give an example. My H stays in bed a lot of the afternoon so the kids expect him to be there now and don't even look for him. If I need to do something outside the home, I know they're basically unsupervised if he's home. I don't like it, I think it's wrong. I don't have good answers for you about it. But I no longer judge, yell, lecture, him. I focus on what needs to happen. I make sure the kids know to go ahead and talk to him even if he's asleep if they need to say or ask something. At some point he may decide he's sleeping their lives away, but I cannot help that process.

All I can say is, focus on what your kids need, REALLY need. Do they REALLY need joyful time with dad or are you projecting your wishes on him?

Wish I could help you more, I'm feeling my way through this too.

[Accuray]

Good stuff Ad ^^^^^^

[adinva]

OT suggested I return my focus to me and not H's actions, but I tend to be prompted to come here and journal mostly when H does something, so it will appear I'm focusing on his actions. They do serve as mileposts along my journey so I have something to journal about my feelings in context.

I have been thinking more often about identifying and measuring my feelings. I had a sad moment and gave it about a 4 on a scale of 1-10, where I was below neutral but not far below. Just a little blue.

My T often brings up how sad it is that my H isn't willing to give our M a chance. She seems to be trying to prompt a reaction from me. I agree that it's sad. But I don't feel really sad most of the time because I do believe I'm doing what I can.

I'm releasing my anger and resentment, I'm focusing on myself and trying to improve myself. I'm communicating more clearly with him. I'm not pressuring him. I'm waiting. I'm being someone desirable to come back to. I'm taking care of my kids. I'm listening to him more carefully. I'm participating fully in counseling.

If in spite of everything that I can possibly do, he wants a D, then I don't want to cry about that. I want to make the best of it, take the best care of my kids, and turn lemons into lemonade.

Last night he stayed out all night. He had told me he was going to his friends' and then to a cookout at another friend's place. I wasn't terribly surprised to wake around 1am and not find him home. At 8am he came in still dressed up nice, with his mom and brother from the airport. H seemed a little bit nervous - he whipped out a pan and started making eggs, but MIL and BIL didn't stay so he just made one egg and cleaned the pan. I was in the kitchen so after the MIL and BIL left and while H was eating he told me about George's house just being ridiculous. It's huge. He's a single doctor and pretty much doesn't even live in the house, he lives more with his parents. His house is barely furnished or decorated but it huge and in a wealthy area. I just had little to respond to but was friendly, just asked a question or two about the house since H brought it up. H didn't share any other tidbits about the party or his friends. Then he went up to bed.

I notice H is very judgmental about other people, looking for something negative to say. Maybe the house it really nice, or maybe George makes so much money that it's a no-brainer for him to invest it in a big house, whatever. The adjective H came home with was "ridiculous." I feel a little sad that he's not more proud of his friends or happy at their good fortune, but he tends to pick out a criticism more than anything. He did that about me too.

Back to me. I did good detachment, both real in my head and expressed to H. I was friendly, busy, and uninterested in his night out. I'm working this morning on developing a hike itinerary - a friend and I have a weekend blocked off for our first backpacking trip and I thought this is a nice day to start planning. I'm enjoying a cool breeze and a hot cup of coffee on my screened porch with my two lazy dogs draped over the wicker furniture like a Dali painting. It's a gorgeous day out and I have more things I'd like to do than time to do them.

In the next month or so I would like to schedule a sit-down with a financial planner to take a look at the financial aspects of my business, home, and potential separation, retirement savings, etc. These are things I delegated to my H because he likes money stuff and is good at it, but now we'll both have to like and be good at it. I hate duplicating effort, but it looks necessary.

I hope you all are having a nice Sunday.

[sayitaintso]

Hey Ad- I really enjoy reading your posts. You have such a great attitude and perspective. Have a great day!!

[cat04]

My T often brings up how sad it is that my H isn't willing to give our M a chance. She seems to be trying to prompt a reaction from me. I agree that it's sad. But I don't feel really sad most of the time because I do believe I'm doing what I can.

A,

I agree your therapist is probably trying to get some sort of a response...

I have actually been waiting for one as well. I have read through your posts and I see a great amount of acceptance from you.

What I see missing...

Is joy. Is fun. You don't feel sad. I can accept that as your answer. Do you feel happy?

You are filling your roles, wonderfully, I am sure. You are being very careful and deliberate in your actions and words.

I'm releasing my anger and resentment, I'm focusing on myself and trying to improve myself. I'm communicating more clearly with him. I'm not pressuring him. I'm waiting. I'm being someone desirable to come back to. I'm taking care of my kids. I'm listening to him more carefully. I'm participating fully in counseling.

If in spite of everything that I can possibly do, he wants a D, then I don't want to cry about that. I want to make the best of it, take the best care of my kids, and turn lemons into lemonade.

Why wouldn't you cry about this? It is the end of something that is precious to you and you need to release the emotions that must come with that.

I am not saying cry forever...however you can't simply ignore the sadness and hope that it will go away. Emotions have to be processed or they come back and bite us in the butt eventually.

What makes A tick? What makes A happy? What are you doing for A, and A alone?

I know you went to visit friends last weekend. That is wonderful. How did it make you feel? Really make you feel at your core?

Scared, excited, anxious, liberated?

I'm curious too, why are you being someone desirable to "come back to" instead of being someone desirable period.

These are things I delegated to my H because he likes money stuff and is good at it, but now we'll both have to like and be good at it. I hate duplicating effort, but it looks necessary.

Instead of looking at this a duplicating effort, which you hate, why not try to view it as taking an active role in your future?

Instead of viewing it with dread, view it as a way of taking care of yourself, which is part of personal responsibility?

Partnerships aren't about delegating responsibilities, they are about sharing them.