Is the cake eating 6

[NLW]

Just a bit down tonight.

Kids rang H asking for his help with homework and he came over.

It was Mothers' day, but not a word of recognition from H.

I continue to be friendly, civil and upbeat around him with no pursuit.

But there seems to be just NOTHING there any more.

He treats me like I am less than a passing acquaintance, and i think this is just what he wants. All so nice and civil - and it's as if we were never anything to each other.

Just said one day: "I don't want to be married any more", and I was like, "Oh OK", and off we went our separate ways.

God but this is hard...

If I detach any more from this, I'm sure he'll just walk away and forget we ever existed.

Maybe I'm just panicking because there seems to be no emotional content.
When he was angry and arguing, at least he seemed to CARE. Now, he doesn't seem to register that i exist.

Afraid that we've 'plateau-ed', with him thinking that I'm totally accepting of what he's done and happy with the arrangement.

Is this doing 'what works'?

[ncl]

Is this doing 'what works'?

Does it work for a YOU?

Are YOU content with status quo?

Are you getting closer to YOUR goals?

If the answers to these questions are yes, then yep, you are doing "what works"...just make sure it truly works for YOU.

If the answers are no, then do something different. Change your gameplan. Make what you have to work with work for YOU.

Either way, do what makes NLW happy and healthy.

Hugs, ncl

[Accuray]

Hi NLW,

I'm sorry you're feeling so badly. It is our expectations that often lead to our worst feelings of angst. Of course on Mother's Day you had some expectations of something from H. When H didn't meet those expectations, it triggers you to feel awful. Just recognize that H didn't set those expectations, you did. If you expect nothing, you won't be disappointed.

If I detach any more from this, I'm sure he'll just walk away and forget we ever existed.

If you were truly detached, you wouldn't care, you'd feel bad for him for missing out on what you have to offer.

This dynamic above is the greatest fear of the LBS -- that if I go in the other direction, go dark, detach, etc., that our WAS will not come looking for us once they've realized they've gotten the space they wanted.

Unfortunately there is no way to know without putting it to the test. Sometimes they'll come back and sometimes they won't, and that final knowledge can be terrible if you're not prepared for it.

Rather than face that, we're tempted to pursue, to try to keep things warm, to believe that if we cultivate the relationship it will re-grow due to our efforts. Unfortunately, that just keeps us in a state of limbo -- we keep pursuing, the WAS keeps distancing. They enjoy your pursuit, it's comforting. It's nice knowing they can return and if things go really badly there is a place to go, it's an insurance policy. Therefore, they're not motivated to end the limbo. Because we see the slightest bit of return for our pursuit, which is really just the WAS trying to keep the insurance policy in place, we continue to pursue, once again perpetuating the cycle indefinitely.

So in my words based on my interpretation of all that I've read, here's the best thing you can do:

Work on you -- 180 your issues, be the best, most attractive, most confident and fun loving person you can be.

If you look and act differently than your H has been programmed to expect, then it forces him to call into question what he thinks he knows about you. This cracks open the door to allowing him to believe that a future with you may look differently than your past.

At the same time, you give him space, you GAL, you act as if, you detach. You build your own life that satisfies YOU, which helps to make you a happy person and reinforces breaking H's expectations.

You need to do both of them. If you detach but don't 180, then H doesn't see how the future is any different than what he knows. If you 180 without detaching, then H hasn't gotten the space he feels he so desperately wants, and that tension will continue to drive him away regardless of how well you've done your 180's. He needs to reset and collect himself.

Now unfortunately, even if you do both of these things perfectly, there are no guarantees. Some people are stubborn -- once they make up their minds, that's it. Some people are irrational in the extreme. Some people refuse the believe that anything could be different in the future. Some people think that you're just trying to trick them and lure them back with your 180's, but once they return everything will go back to how it was.

The tricky thing is that last one -- because nothing fixes that but time. The only thing that makes your changes credible is prolonged repetition of consistent behavior without backsliding. How long is needed to make it credible and believable? There is no rule.

Therefore, if you're not seeing the results you're looking for, either it's not working, or you haven't waited long enough, and there's really no reason to know which one it is.

That's why it keeps coming back to you. If you define your success according to factors you can control, and not what H does or doesn't do, then you can begin to rebuild on your own. If you rebuild on your own, then you feel good about yourself. If you feel good about yourself, then H's reaction to you matters less.

I hope you feel better NLW

Accuray

[labug]

NLW, I'm in the same leaky boat today and visiting other threads for words of wisdom.

I just keep thinking-his choices are not about me, they are about him.

Thanks, Accuray, for the post.

(((NLW)))

[labug]

I'm going to put that response in my DB Words of Wisdom file and I'm calling it DB-Back to Basics.

I will read it several times today.

[scaredsilly]

i, too, needed to read accuray's words of wisdom. i think he should write a book.

[NLW]

Hi ncl,

Yep, that's right, gotta keep the focus on me, I know.

But it's hard - as we all know.

Does it work for me - well, I don't even know the answer to that straight up.

It sorta does and sorta doesn't.

I think I'm in danger of being impatient. Maybe I've managed to re-establish a 'friendship' with H. He's coming around more frequently again now and calling more regularly on the phone - even when he doesn't need to.

But, he still seems pretty detached from me and there are no signs of anything except a civil relationship.

My best guess is I'm just being impatient in regard to achieving my goals. I should probably be happy with what I've got at the moment - no arguing, spewing, regular contact initiated by him... and just wait for things to warm up between us on the back of consistent change on my part.

Took the kids to a movie last night (Dark Shadows - can't recommend it) and then to obedience training for the dog. So my GAL is still focused around them, but that seems inevitable at the moment. Did meet a divorced Dad last week at a school function who was def holding eye contact for longer that necessary, so.. if I'm ever in a place to make an effort re getting to know someone new, there might be still be a chance for an old hag like me.

[NLW]

If you expect nothing, you won't be disappointed.

If you were truly detached, you wouldn't care, you'd feel bad for him for missing out on what you have to offer.

Hi Accuray,
Thank you for your wise words - this really helped me get through the last few days.

On expectations - I'm getting much better at this. I really have reduced these to almost 0.
On true detachment, I'm not so far advanced. I do feel bad for him that he's missing out, but I can't say I've completely detached yet. So I will keep at it.

I am doing a pretty good job at 180-ing my issues, I think, as you suggest, but I will keep this at the forefront of my thinking, as it's so important for me and the kids in our interactions, too.

I am trying to be fun, non-judgemental, confident, and attractive. Just a bit impatient that H doesn't seem to register any of these changes. Not that I absolutely need him too... but it would be nice.

I am def acting 'as if' and trying to give him space. All I do now is to announce that the kids and I are doing something, or have an event that he might like to attend. When he declines because he is 'too busy at work,' or has football training, I just say "That's Ok, no worries' or similar. No pressure any more. I don't ring or text him, and when he calls me, I try to end the call first in an upbeat way.

I think you are dead right with your point that:
"Some people think that you're just trying to trick them and lure them back with your 180's, but once they return everything will go back to how it was."

So my limbo is going to have to continue with prolonged practice of consistent behaviour.

And realistically, I have been backsliding a lot over the last months. Really only been consistent in my 180s for about the last couple of months.

So, need to re-set my patience levels.
I've got a LONG way to go yet.

So, all in all, I do feel much better for having thought about your feedback. Phew!

You are helping people so much - I hope you realise how useful your posts are.
Best NLW.

[Accuray]

Thanks NLW, that makes me feel really good. I know this is impossibly hard. I feel like I understand these concepts well, but applying them myself is something I also struggle with.

Keep at it!

Accuray

[Brit45]

This was really helpful! I'm filing it away in my helpful reads list!