also, we've had dinners together and lunches several times. he sends me texts each day about different things, nothing very intimate. i sent him a quote about loneliness and he let lose on me about how i did not go out of town with him for two years when he made his six-month trips (home on weekends). he took it down to minutes we spent together.
since then, i've backed off a bit because i'm done blaming and won't accept anymore or go back to the past. we've discussed everything i did to make the marriage fail (not really his part because that's up to him) and i've apologized and made changes.
since that email response of his, i've also asked him again to think about counseling for the pain he appears to be in and he's agreed...again. this time he said he called last friday and left a message for a return call about appointments.
i think i'm changing and moving forward and i really can't dwell in the past and deal with negative energy, from him or his family. i'm very sad about our marriage situation but, at the same time, it's come to me that without changes on his part (more maturity, less self pity, more thoughts about his partner's needs)we would not be able to make it together. i'm hoping he will get counseling and that will help him but it may not.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
I'm afraid I don't have much to offer. I do think that noticing what he needs to do is a big step. Sometimes we get wrapped up in our hurt and we don't see them as real people just the object of desire we want.
Would you ever be able to be in a R with him if the attitude with the kids didn't change? Would it be possible, now that they're older, for you to be in his life and just not be a step mom?
the only thing that i think i would need is for them to understand that i deserve respect as his wife and for him to convey that to them. i need for him to think his relationship with me is as important (if not more) than the ones he has with his kids, his family, and his friends.
i've never felt that from him.
i honestly do not want to be their step mom anymore. i don't want to parent them or have anything more than a mutually respectful, casual relationship. i don't want to be expected to do more for them (or the rest of his family) than i would do for a visiting friend.
if their attitude did not change, i could still be with him but his attitude would have to change. he would have to understand why i did not want them in my life and be satisfied with them in his life only.
i don't know if he's capable of this since the past 15 years i've been expected to treat them as my own and his family as my own.
he starts counseling next week. maybe he'll make some breakthroughs.
thanks for taking the time to read my story and post on it. i don't post a lot but i do read others and post to them. not much since i'm not an expert.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
You've given me so much support in the last few days. I wanted to thank you for that!
How are you doing? Any new developments.
Quote:
i honestly do not want to be their step mom anymore. i don't want to parent them or have anything more than a mutually respectful, casual relationship. i don't want to be expected to do more for them (or the rest of his family) than i would do for a visiting friend.
As they are grown ups I don't see why this would be a problem. He might be hurt by it at first if he feels like it's a rejection...but like you say counselling may help that.
Well, it seems like a mutual thing with the stepchildren, if I remember your sitch correctly. It's not like they're calling you at all hours, wanting a close relationship with you. I feel it would be respectful of their wishes for you to pull back and have a distant, but respectful, relationship.
M:29 H:30 M:2.5 years T:13 years No kids EA:11/2011 PA:01/2012 Bomb:02/2012 H starting another EA, I had enough and we seperate: 03/08/2012 Trying to decide what I want for a change...
thanks brit and tb, thanks for dropping in. i don't get many visitors because i don't post much (too embarassed about my poor db skills) so i appreciate you looking me up and commenting.
this limbo is getting on my nerves. one day my H seems nice and warm and the next day withdrawn and cold. he will text me about impersonal things (selling a rental property) and rarely do we talk on the phone unless i initiate it. when i do speak to him, he seems nice and sometimes, even loving (no ily's but caring).
yesterday, it was all text. no substance, no greeting, business only. so, that's how i left it, too. he sent some emails from work about his expense deposits and his email address changing but i didn't respond. i called three attorneys to find out about their initial consultation fees. that's how fed up i am with this.
this weekend is a holiday weekend and we always did something so i know he'll be doing something with his mom, kids, and the rest of his family. probably not a thought about me.
that's one of the things that i still hold resentment about. i was always expected to act as if i were a real member of his family; be a "mother" to his kids, help his mom and sisters, go to all the nieces' and nephews' graduations and birthday parties (with check or present in hand, of course), all the parties, host visiting relatives at our house and feed and entertain them, host friends, etc.
now, at probably one of the saddest and scariest and loneliest times in my life, not one of his family members has contacted me to offer support or condolences for the situation i'm in. they know this is not my hometown. i don't want them to take "my side" over "his side". i can only imagine what he's told them as i've not heard a word. it's so disappointing and disturbing. if we were to R, how could i ever feel a part of them again? and i would not and could not give as i've given in the past. i really would like to slap them all! sorry but i'm so angry and hurt by them. 15 friggin' years and not an ounce of concern. disgusting. they should be ashamed. i can remember changing his mom's mastectomy dressings.
oh, well. that's what makes me wonder sometimes if i'm better off without him. i certainly don't miss their family get-togethers, especially, since half of them are alcoholics.
on my GAL front, i just got home from the beach and it was wonderful! i went by myself which is hard for me to do because it's lonely and i feel self-conscious, but i did it. last night i had my yoga class and i love it. i have applied to volunteer at our local hospital (i used to be an lpn, years ago) and i'm thinking about a water aerobics class next monday.
tonight i go to my grandson's baseball game and tomorrow evening, a wine tasting at the beach again.
i'm keeping busy. H called me this morning to tell me something the realtor had told him and to request i set up some appointments for inspections on the rental we're selling. it was good i was at the beach. he was very surprised! i loved it! i'm sure he could hear the waves crashing in the background. i didn't tell him i was alone and he didn't ask (that would imply he cares...). but i asked him to email me the information because i couldn't write it down as I WAS AT THE BEACH!! ;-) and he was in his office at work!
soon after that call, he sent text of a picture of my favorite college football team's logo that he had taken in one of his customer's offices. he said, "have a good time at the beach! gosh it's really nice out!" darn straight! i didn't respond!
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
i'm keeping busy. H called me this morning to tell me something the realtor had told him and to request i set up some appointments for inspections on the rental we're selling. it was good i was at the beach. he was very surprised! i loved it! i'm sure he could hear the waves crashing in the background. i didn't tell him i was alone and he didn't ask (that would imply he cares...). but i asked him to email me the information because i couldn't write it down as I WAS AT THE BEACH!! ;-) and he was in his office at work!
Very nice! Personally, I think GAL'ing is excellent way of dealing with the limbo. Let your H do what he's going to do. Meanwhile, live it up and fill your life with positive things.
Personally, I think GAL'ing is excellent way of dealing with the limbo. Let your H do what he's going to do. Meanwhile, live it up and fill your life with positive things. 