I would honestly try to leave him out of it now and forever. You could tell her you want to clear the air between the two of you regardless of what happens in your marriage. If it appears to be a tactic to get H back I do doubt she will participate. Its more like "we both feel badly about how things have gone, let's clear the air and put it to bed."
Separate making peace with her from what's going on with H. If she won't talk to you, you tried and will always take comfort from that. I do think though that it may get worse before it gets better.
I would definitely assume that H never wants to be in the middle again and act on that basis.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
thanks, accuray. i agree with your advice and opinions. i sent her this text several hours ago: "Would like to meet you for lunch one day soon. Whatever happens, I would like us to clear the air between us and put any negative things to bed. Of course, you can refuse but we do have a long history of caring for each other and it was pretty special for me." three hours later, no response. we'll see what she's made of. i figure she'll call her dad. i don't see her wanting to set things right because if things are right, there could be a chance for her dad and i. also, she would not be getting as much sympathy and attention from him then. (sigh)
i will not mention it to H. if he does, it would probably (if the past is any indication of the future) be to tell me that she's been hurt too deeply or doesn't want a relationship with me, blah, blah, blah. i think i'll just say, "i'm sorry she feels that way" and let it go. as you've said, i tried and that's all i can do. i can only control myself and i will have, at least, made the effort an adult should make. i can't fix the guilty daddy/wounded-baby-girl thing they have going.
one more thing: your opinion that, "...it may get worse before it gets better". can you expand on that? what do you foresee?
thank you for taking the time to help me. you guys are all life savers and your experience is so very valued.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
H came over yesterday to do yard work. we had a really wonderful day together. i initiated some kissing and he was fully receptive. then we ML. it was not sex but really love making.
i helped him in the yard which is a 180 for me for the past few years. i used to help him all the time but eventually, i stopped because of resentments. i stopped helping him and he stopped helping me. not a good partnership, huh?
i made him a nice lunch and we ate and talked together. he talked out things we will do in the future! funny how those types of remarks are so important now and would have been totally taken for granted years ago...
we brainstormed on an offer we received on a rental property we're selling. i'm making some calls for us today and he's working on the counter. we're partnering on it and that feels good.
when he left, he pulled me in to kiss me good bye. he texted me later that he was grateful for the help in the yard and the lunch. he also thanked me in advance for the legwork i'll be doing today to get him some answers he needs prior to submitting our counter offer.
all in all, i feel really good about us and peaceful about how we're being towards each other.
i leave on thursday for a cruise with my son and his family (five kids) and i'm really looking forward to it. my H has been very nice about it and i thanked him for that.
no talk about him coming home but i think that has to be his decision only. i won't ask him but will just continue GAL and being the best person i can be with little expectations and lots of patience and introspection.
i'm a happier person now. i can truly say that this has been the worst thing i've ever been through and the best thing that has ever happened to me.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
no talk about him coming home but i think that has to be his decision only. i won't ask him but will just continue GAL and being the best person i can be with little expectations and lots of patience and introspection.
i'm a happier person now. i can truly say that this has been the worst thing i've ever been through and the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Wow! Great insight and I feel much the same way.
It's nice, isn't it?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
am i being too sensitive? my H unexpectedly came over today. he said he wanted to do something with one of the cars but had a mother's day card for me. it was one of those generic, "someone special" cards and in it he had written that i was an "amazing mom and an amazing grandmother".
well, i've been a pretty "amazing" stepmother to his three kids for the past 15 years and there was no mention of that job. since our separation, his family, including his kids, have completely cut me off. this is after years of me doing all kinds of things for all of them (particularly, his mother and one sister, not to mention the three kids and even the ex-wife). no calls, no texts, no emails from the three kids today, either.
i thanked him for the card and told him it was sweet and thoughtful but it really leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. his kids have pretty much been the crux of our problems through the years.
i don't know. the longer we're separated, the more i think i don't need the "left out of the family" crap that goes on and how he fails to recognize it.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
i know how you feel. my W family has never really included me. now that we r separated, they refuse to see me. wont come to holidays, kids sports events, etc.. her dad even had her take all the stuff he has given me over the years and give it back to him. whatever. its like he is in the 3rd grade and he is 70.. ugghh. my W sees no problem with it.
im sorry to hear the stepkids are being like that to you. that has got to hurt. it is their loss though.
need advice, please! received this email from my husband today: "Hi W, I just wanted to send you this ( click on link below) because SS22 came by the office yesterday for me to help try and fix a little something on her car ( hence I got a call from her and had a min to ask her questions about school) . She is now in summer school and is taking 3 classes to finish ( she also is working on getting a internship ASAP) BUT I wanted to let you know that she said she will walk in December. No matter what happens I wanted you to know that I would like you to be there if possible ( of course only if you do) More on that to come ( just wanted to remove any doubt)
Check out the link below on her class and how hard it looks to me, I am so PROUD of my baby.
She has asked me to help her check out 2 other schools after this for her Masters. The 2 places will be (goes on to name two colleges not far away)
She has been saving for these and has found some other grant money< I think she has it figured out..
This is just a foot note on the above for FYI, I IN NO WAY WILL HELP HER WITH ANY MONEY just advice, ( just telling you what I know today) H"
do i respond and if so, how? things to keep in mind: 1. SS22 is the crux of our resent troubles. she's not the cause but living with her for the past 2 years, during my retirement (while H was out of town for six months a year) brought it all to a head. 2. i've sent her a text and email to try to reconcile our differences (see post of 4/20/12) and have received no response. 3. i've had no communication from his family members since the bomb back in december. they've cut me off and cut off my son's wife, too. she's tried to communicate with them and they ignore her. 4. "whatever happens" rubs me the wrong way. i know what's hanging over my head: divorce or reconcilation. i don't need reminders. 5. the reference to not giving her money is another thing i don't want mentioned anymore. we had both agreed that keeping track of what the other spent on their respective kids was score keeping and i just want him to stop reminding me of this.
do i respond? i was thinking of telling him that i'd be uncomfortable at the graduation, "no matter what happens" (unless he tells his family we are back together and his relationship with me is the most important relationship in his life!). it would be like going into an enemy camp. i don't know what he's told them but it's wiped out 15 years of goodwill, physical labor for them, emotional support towards all of them (his mother, 3 sisters, neices, nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.), and financial gifts. i don't know. i'm not the type to blame anymore. i think maybe i should just reply: "it's nice of you to send me this. i'm very happy for you and the joy you're feeling." any thoughts??
p.s. him calling her "my baby" just makes me so ill! it's one of the reasons we had problems when she lived with us (me). he would not let her grow up!
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Still separated. We seem to vacillate between distancer/pursuer roles with each other. I think his family is now what is keeping us from R. He has probably made me out to be "evil" to the and would suffer some humiliation should he come home.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
