nothing much to report. He liked one of my FB statuses this morning. Not pursuit...nothing really.
I'm a big believer in astrologer (don't judge me haha) and from today for the next 6 weeks is a great time for most signs to go over old ground in relationships either with your current partner or looking at where you went wrong and learning about yourself. I think this great news...no don't have expectations but knowing that even the universe is giving us all a bit of help in helping ourselves is great news.
I love your posts and your spirit. Glad to hear about the universe's help as we all could use it
Even though you were not pressuring your H with your fb post about the truck, I am wondering if your H perceived it that way. If he felt as if he lost himself and gave in during your M, this may end up bothering him. I am concerned that he may unfairly think that nothing's changed and he can not be the man he wants to be in the M. I may be totally off and misread your past relationship dynamics. What do you think?
((( )))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
I texted him about some "housekeeping" things joint bills we pay and he called me. He never calls...always prefers text! He referred to me by a pet name and said just seemed easier to call.
We chatted about all the bills stuff.
He asked about my health.
He told me he'd picked up a few dining chairs for me that he'd seen someone giving away because he knew I wanted some. (back when he moved into his own place friends were throwing furniture etc at him and I said hey if anyone offers you dining chairs. but that was months ago)He said if you don't want them I can toss em, but right now they're waiting for me to deliver them to you.
Then I told him "Listen do you want me just to leave that whole ebay item thing alone? I didn't know if you were really up for doing that or if you only agreed because you felt bad and didn't really want to go. And I'm not trying to make you do anything you don't want to do"
He said yeah, I mainly said yes because I felt bad. I hate to see you begging for someone to help when I can.
I said I wasn't begging...I honestly just thought someone might be up for it.
He said to be honest borrowing my mother's truck to drive 100 miles and pick up a piece of furniture for you will be a political nightmare on my end...but at the same time it seems a shame to pass it up.
I said I don't want to cause any trouble for you....with anyone in your life ...but I do really want it. haha
(v. strange dance we're playing here...does he mean his mom? not very likely she and I get along great. But it's possible that she may think he does too much for me. As a mom she might be looking out for him. Does he mean GF? most likely. I sure as hell would think it strange if my BF was doing this for the woman he's separated from) he said well then leave it or I guess see what the seller says
So we left it at that.
I have wondered as GREENBLUE mentioned how GF feels about our involvement. I don't know how much he tells her. I don't want to be the subject of their arguments. I don't want to be something that prevents him from anything in his life. I also don't want to be the catalyst where he has to say "no, I want to be with you GF. I'll stop doing this and that. I don't want that." I've said before if I met a man who had been separated for 4 months and I was the first person he'd been on a date with I'd run a mile...I wouldn't become his GF.
You're right Grace! I'm leaving the whole thing alone. I don't know if I just don't bring it up ever again or if I let him know that I'm not taking him up on his offer because I don't want to be a source of conflict or take him up on any offer made out of guilt. I'm just going to say: I don't ever want to put you in an uncomfortable place. argh but that's not really true...if honesty is uncomfortable than sometimes you have to deal with that uncomfortable-ness. Okay I'm just going to pretend it was a female friend of mine in this situation and I was texting her saying don't worry about it. By the way I plan on tacking this onto the text tomorrow after the dr appt.
I do find it interesting him saying I feel bad and wanted to do something for you but know how people in my life will oppose that. So he at least recognises that his feelings for me don't jive with what other people in his life will agree with. So in his mind/heart he'll have to figure out are my feelings correct or are the people around me correct.
I had left that ebay thing alone. Had typed it out and then deleted it, hoping you would see how you could handle it in an appropriate way, and I believe you did.
Now notice that he indicated he agreed because he felt bad. Probably a trait that you liked about him. Even though you didn't realize it would be something he regretted years later.
Remember that he indicated he was no longer going to be that person, yet he did it... again...
He's still stuck on you. That is the type of thing that a lot of people I've read here say they'd want from their man. Someone who would walk a million miles and cross an ocean and the andes mountain to "be there" for them...
And a good man would...
But sadly, it leads to expectations... and what's next for a man who has already done an inhuman feat? It's a bar that we set that's near impossible for us to live up to.
Then notice he indicated the "political problem" if he did this for you. It could come from any end, but...
It is up to you to make your own choices and do what you want to do. And it is up to your H to do the same. Using someone else to put the spotlight on...
If he's still doing or not doing things because of someone else...? Then he isn't being that man he says he wants to be... He needs to practice that, more...
Don't worry about being some sort of problem between your H and his GF... that's between the two of them... it does not mean pressure him to do things with or for you... it means if he offers, and you can be sure and clear that he is making a choice of his own accord and not feeling that obligation... well...
Now take a bit of a look at the dynamic of what's just gone on between the two of you...
Did you buy the item because you had hoped he would step in and help?
or did you buy the item because you wanted it... and hoped to find someone to help you get it to you?
Tell me deep down in your core... you didn't have some expectations that your H might... just might... step up... that maybe you were even hoping...
How do you feel knowing that he was once again doing something because he felt obligated or otherwise bad for you...?
And yet... notice that once he offered, you stopped looking for help... and that now that he's said no... you are thinking of trying to change your mind on the purchase...
What message do you think that will give to your H?
My suggestion...?
Figure out how to get that item you purchased... there's companies that will haul that kind of stuff... and it can be "bulk" hauled so that the cost doesn't have to be extremely expensive...
Or keep looking for help and let someone know that you will pay their fuel and a stipend (or beer and pizza; the standard payment for mover friends...)... and get that item to you...
Here's the thing I never bought the item. That's why he said see what the seller says because I let the item end because I felt I don't know strange about it inside, and no one bid.
I was so conflicted about him agreeing to do it..publicly on my FB page, and then what that would mean...IE would I go with him, would he go alone, would the GF go with him on an errand for me.I just felt strange about the whole situation even though he said yes.
I emailed the seller on Sunday to see if she was still wanting to sell and then I talked to him about it today. I told him that I had "forgotten" to bid while I was busy yesterday.
So a big part of me knew something about this wasn't right. I hated feeling even the tiniest bit that he might be doing something out of guilt or obligation for me. Not only do I not want him to do that, but I don't want to be that person NEEDING something, and I don't want him to feel that way as if he owes me or has to help me out. I had resigned myself to NOT having the item when I posted that on FB. So it was shock when he volunteered after telling me no.
So I'm not sure if he's sees it as a "without my help she doesn't do things in her life" or because I never bid on it he's thinking I guess this all worked out for the best.
I've started reading How to Improve Your Marriage without talking about it and it could have been written exactly for us. We were homeless for a short time after a natural disaster, he did have a horrible job that undermined his ability to be proud of himself, I did complain about his driving constantly. I don't want him to feel like a failure in this situation
Quote:
Remember that he indicated he was no longer going to be that person, yet he did it... again...
He's still stuck on you. That is the type of thing that a lot of people I've read here say they'd want from their man. Someone who would walk a million miles and cross an ocean and the andes mountain to "be there" for them...
I feel like this is one of the biggest that will keep us apart. He thinks that within a few months he will be that person again always saying yes to me even if it makes him unhappy. He even said he it just be the same in 3 months time. he doesn't trust himself to stick to his changes
Quote:
If he's still doing or not doing things because of someone else...? Then he isn't being that man he says he wants to be... He needs to practice that, more...
I agree one hundred percent. I can only hope he comes to that realization on his own.
On his lunch break he texted me some random trivia about our favorite tv show. I replied and at the end just said by the way decided against the chair. He replied about the show and didn't mention the chair.
If so... and dig deep to see if that is or is not a real possibility, deep down...
That might be something you want to focus and work on...
What is it that causes you to enlist others to help you do what you want? Why can't you rent a moving van, grab a friend, and go for a ride to pick up a bigger item...?
What is it about you, that serves you... to appear helpless?
IF someone chooses to help... why do you feel guilty about their reasons for helping you?
Why would you place a greater emphasis or meaning out of them helping you?
Focus on you...
Not on your H and what ever meanings he might place on his choices...
I know that I have issues with power and control. You know that cliche about the queen bee with everyone running around doing her bidding. yeah that was me in High School.
I know in my personal relationships if you do things for me and make sacrifices I know you love me. I don't believe that. I either know and trust your love or I never will. I have told him that I recogize that all I did was give him more and more hoops to jump through and there would never be a final one that would make me think SEE he does love you now you can calm down. It was my insecurity in not believing that I was loveable.
I feel like this whole thing is one big mess. Because I recognize that I want someone to prove they love me by doing something but not if it's out of pity? Does that make sense? I don't know I'm piecing together now.
I was genuinely shocked when he volunteered after he told me no. I had no right to ask him in the first place. I had looked into moving vans/shipping companies and their quotes were more than I thought the item was worth to me. So maybe me asking was a test....Maybe without realizing it, I'd gotten too comfortable with him doing things for me that day (it was the day of the medical drama) and so I slipped into old patterns and asked him to jump through a hoop.
When I talked to him today I THOUGHT I was asking for clarification but instead I was making doing an old pattern. Here we are 3 days later with a whole lot of emotions and no chair. (I don't even want the effing thing!)
Also I'm realizing this is EXACTLY something his mom would do and I would hate her for it.
I've made some new rules Kaffe: 1) Don't tell him your plans for self improvement or GAL 2) Don't look to him for conversation, reassurance, emotional support 3) don't ask for favours 4) if he volunteers say and really mean it. 5) don't tell him about weight loss (that's looking for reassurance) 6) be bright, fun, breezy, attractive, and just let him notice 7) you're standing for your marriage...but you're not fighting for it so no pursuit
I know that I have issues with power and control. You know that cliche about the queen bee with everyone running around doing her bidding. yeah that was me in High School.
lol... that IS my W... and including the stuff you wrote below about how you feel loved...
Which might be one of those reasons why I have chosen you to work with...
Also, I can't remember... did you read the 5LLs? If so, what do you THINK is your LL?
Your LL might be accurate and it could be acts of service... but as you indicate... it might be a skewed "meaning" that you place on those acts that you might need to review...
How you mention about receiving acts of service is interesting... humans do often "test" for love... the skew that you may have introduced might come from a feeling of being unworthy of love... so if they give you love once... you don't believe it... so you wait for it to happen again... and you don't believe it... so you wait for it to happen again...
How about just accepting an act of service as an act of love... and leave it at that... don't question it and demand more show of love...
It was a double bind. That's what the above is... he wanted to show his love for you... and then you denied it... he was damned if he didn't... and damned if he did...
Only you can change that dynamic.
It was a hard lesson I learned many, many moons ago... that I COULD accept love... period... no string attached... from either side...
Originally Posted By: Brit45
When I talked to him today I THOUGHT I was asking for clarification but instead I was making doing an old pattern. Here we are 3 days later with a whole lot of emotions and no chair. (I don't even want the effing thing!)
hahahahaa... a test it was, no doubt...
Originally Posted By: Brit45
I've made some new rules Kaffe: 1) Don't tell him your plans for self improvement or GAL 2) Don't look to him for conversation, reassurance, emotional support 3) don't ask for favours 4) if he volunteers say and really mean it. 5) don't tell him about weight loss (that's looking for reassurance) 6) be bright, fun, breezy, attractive, and just let him notice 7) you're standing for your marriage...but you're not fighting for it so no pursuit
Awesome new goals!
Always remember... course correct if and as necessary...
Life is about change, no matter how much we seek or believe in consistency or constancy...
The world will provide us with abundance if we accept that change happens and accept that change... and roll with it... and course correct as necessary...
So this is where it should come from as no surprise that I had an alcoholic father who often broke promises then got sober and regained my trust. I know he would be there for me in a heartbeat.
I'm really glad you've chosen to work with me!
I have ordered LL and I read the website. From the test on there mine is Quality Time and Words of Affirmation. I know in giving love I like to give gifts. I love finding the perfect thing, something really unique that will blow people away. He HATES getting gifts.
I am going to change that dynamic because I don't want to be someone who puts demands or tests on whoever I'm in a relationship with. I have told him this but I have to exercise it.
Quote:
It was a double bind. That's what the above is... he wanted to show his love for you... and then you denied it... he was damned if he didn't... and damned if he did...
hmmm he wanted to show his love for me but not really have to do that errand. I couldn't just leave well enough alone.
Then he wanted to do the errand but not get all the hassle from outside influences. So I took the opportunity for him to either stand up to those people or stand up to me off the table. I guess that was the double bind. He's left feeling like he disappointed me. Perhaps I should have left the decision up to him. Let him stick by his choices/commitments/decisions or say no to someone.
So what do I call my new thread...have a feeling I'm gonna get locked soon!
and including the stuff you wrote below about how you feel loved...
