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#2245853 - 05/16/12 10:26 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: 2thepoint]
Crimson Online   confused
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1167
Yeah - thanks, 2TP. I thought all the same things. I think she is lost right now and there is nothing I can do to help. If I am nice, it is a ploy - if I stand my ground I am manipulative or a jerk. I really can't win.

For too long I have been pinning my mood and self esteem on however she felt about me at any given moment. Enough.

Crimson
_________________________
M: 40/W: 40
T:8 M:6
S: 3
Bomb: 9/10/11
W Files: 9/22/11
D: 7/12
W Moves out: 11/10/11

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#2245854 - 05/16/12 10:28 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
Crimson Online   confused
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1167
I have never forgotten about what 25yearsmlc said - that when she had totally accepted that fact that her marriage was over and literally moved on - things got better. I think I am walking up the driveway to that house right now and might start ringing the bell soon.
_________________________
M: 40/W: 40
T:8 M:6
S: 3
Bomb: 9/10/11
W Files: 9/22/11
D: 7/12
W Moves out: 11/10/11

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#2245856 - 05/16/12 11:01 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
Shaky Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/11
Posts: 66
Loc: Hillsboro,Or.
Crimson-

Sorry about the meeting, I really think she strung you along just to get what she wanted. Hopefully you can get through this and get back to a somewhat normal life with or without your wife.

Doesn't mean you have to give up just set some boundaries and keep your expectations low to keep your sanity.

I cannot for the life of me understand why she would ask for help with the frozen embryo. Was she thinking that if she had another baby everything would be fantastic even if you weren't part of her life. What is your take on that?

Shaky
_________________________
M 42
W 41
S 10
D 7
M 15 Years
T 20 Years
Divorce busted

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#2245858 - 05/16/12 11:14 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Shaky]
Crimson Online   confused
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1167
Dude, it befuddles me.

I think that she wants to be a mother again - and isn't thinking through the consequences of doing it "on her own" with the embryo. She said that it was "something that we started as a married couple" that we need to see through. She's gonna be 39, and probably feels that time is almost up for her in a lot of regards so that would have been the easiest way to get there. To divorce, date, find someone and get pregnant is not a quick thing.

I know there is nothing I can do about it, but a lot of her actions just defy conventional logic. I think the stress has her thinking "off" some. I mean really, how did she expect the settlement hearing to be "as amicable and smooth as we make it". It's a war between two parties with different, conflicting goals and objectives. It's almost as if when she has to taste the reality of all of this she freaks out.

I really am checking out for awhile. I still love her, I still care about her deeply and the sad thing is I don't want her mad at me because I want her to come back. But I can't keep going like this. I need some time off.

Crimson
_________________________
M: 40/W: 40
T:8 M:6
S: 3
Bomb: 9/10/11
W Files: 9/22/11
D: 7/12
W Moves out: 11/10/11

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#2245859 - 05/16/12 11:18 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
Crimson Online   confused
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1167
......rant, continued......I mean, can you imagine how hard it would be to have a three year old, and a newborn on your own in an 900 sqft condo?? And still have a job to go to??? How would that work?? And I can't breastfeed - what does she think? I would say - just keep him/her for the next year until he/she can take a bottle?? I would want to be with him/her....and she would NEED me to be. That is why I think her logic/thinking is "off" right now.

I just know I am tired of getting attacked when I am working with the best of intentions. I can't take it anymore. Like I said, I love her dearly - butI have to get off of this ride.

Crimson
_________________________
M: 40/W: 40
T:8 M:6
S: 3
Bomb: 9/10/11
W Files: 9/22/11
D: 7/12
W Moves out: 11/10/11

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#2245869 - 05/17/12 12:22 AM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
Crazyville Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/12
Posts: 1046
This seems like a time for you so calmly tell her that this is the course she's chosen. That with you, she gets one set of rules; without you, she gets another. It's not an ultimatum, just a fact of life. She simply can't have her cake and eat it, too.
_________________________
Me:49 WAW H:59
T:19.5 M:19
S:13

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#2245878 - 05/17/12 01:40 AM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crazyville]
Shaky Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/11
Posts: 66
Loc: Hillsboro,Or.
Originally Posted By: Crazyville
This seems like a time for you so calmly tell her that this is the course she's chosen. That with you, she gets one set of rules; without you, she gets another. It's not an ultimatum, just a fact of life. She simply can't have her cake and eat it, too.


Yes, I agree. I'm not very good at mind reading but I can tell you from all the threads I have read, friends going through this and even my personal situation there will be a time that your wife will wake up and try to get you back. I have seen it time and time again. Problem I see is you have done all the work to better yourself but what has she done? At the moment she thinks she is perfect and you are the issue.

You will need to decide is it worth the wait, I had some serious resentment issues I had to work through. I set a target of 1 year, if within that time my wife didn't try to work on relationship I was out. You should try to wait it out and when she is ready get her to MC.

Shaky
_________________________
M 42
W 41
S 10
D 7
M 15 Years
T 20 Years
Divorce busted

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#2245916 - 05/17/12 08:59 AM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Shaky]
Crimson Online   confused
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1167
I will take your word for it, but in this moment it seems like coming back is the last thing she would want to do. It's like day one all over again and I'm the biggest a-hole on the planet. Again, I have really worked so hard to be a better man, father and husband and she can only see negatives. I'm just pretty much tired of being beat up and made to be the bad guy based off of a course of action SHE chose.

It hurts like hell, but I have got to distance myself. I don't know if her hateful email from yesterday was just a bad, heated reaction to everything that built up with the settlement hearing and her frustration with not being able to take him for 20 days - but I just can't take anymore punches. Not after the work that I have done, not after how hard I tried.

Sad thing is, I still want her back.....my family back. But I can't be a punching bag when she refuses to see her role in the creation of the consequences that she is hating right now. Nope. Just blame me.
_________________________
M: 40/W: 40
T:8 M:6
S: 3
Bomb: 9/10/11
W Files: 9/22/11
D: 7/12
W Moves out: 11/10/11

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#2245926 - 05/17/12 09:17 AM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
Crazyville Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/12
Posts: 1046
And BTW, was that 20 consecutive days??? If so, that's ridiculous of her to even ask. Even if it's not consecutive, she doesn't have a right to be angry with you for saying no. She wants to take him with her because she doesn't want to go without him that long, but she expects you to be fine with it.
_________________________
Me:49 WAW H:59
T:19.5 M:19
S:13

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#2245931 - 05/17/12 09:25 AM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crazyville]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 7830
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Crimson, I don't post much to you anymore but have definitely been following. I'm sorry for what your going through right now.
_________________________
Me 56/H 57
M 35 S 24 S 21
Bomb 3/11 He moved out 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 He's home now

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate but, it is fear. Gandhi


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