LOL at the Nancy Grace comment, Brit. That started my morning off just right! Hilarious!!
Brit, I love your enthusiasm for your life and your M despite the situation at present and I am so grateful for you. You are amazing! ((( ))))
TG, thank you for stopping by and for your insightful and inspiring words! I want to love and honor my W that way. I tend to look back and regret but that is a trap. I will start again now and commit myself to keeping my vows through the hard times and the good. Thank you. ((( )))
The mail yesterday brought Pia Mellody's book on Love Addiction. I started it last night and am grateful to SD for the suggestion. I would read more but... it is a beautiful day in Southern California and I have a busy day of GALing planned. have a great Saturday, dear DBers!!
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
I have started reading Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody.
I feel as if W and I switched in and out of Love Addict/Love Avoidant roles (we both displayed behaviors of both) at times during our M.
Now, I am 100% in the Addict role and she is in the Avoidant...but I wonder if this is an outgrowth of how we switched in and out of both roles during the M. (Pia has a short section on switching roles and I would like to understand more.)
I know that when W first left the M, she verbalized a great deal of anger with how she felt I was distant and had rejected her...but she also was angry with me for being needy. It felt like a contradiction to me, but maybe not.
Did anyone else recognize this in their M?
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
I came home tonight and I received an email from my W telling me that she is filing for D this week.
This is part of the email:
"I know we have both done things throughout our time together that hasn't been in the best interest of our marriage. I am taking responsibility for my actions and inactions. Our relationship was great on some levels. We knew how to get along, we cared for each other and we like doing some of the same things. But for me, their has been something missing for a long time. I have wanted to love you the way I thought you loved me. I have always wanted to give you that gift, and I believe I was successful most of the time. I worked hard at seeing past my own needs and putting yours first. (without you knowing it, or asking me to). I am sorry that I have hurt you so deeply. That bc I wasn't able to be truthful with myself and ask for what I needed or wanted that we got to this place. I know that I love(d) you deeply and I know that i have been in love with you at times. The problem is, that I feel like I always had to work at that part. That it wasn't something that just was. I am not telling you this to hurt you or make you feel bad in any way, I am telling you this to help you understand. I am so sorry i can't be the person i so very much wanted to be for you. You have a lot to offer someone and I am sorry I can't be the person to receive all you have. My hope is that you can find peace in my decision and move on. I am at peace with it and know it is the right thing for me."
Help me make sense of this. It is hard not to be sad.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Can you kind DBers help me put the above email in perspective? Does it still sound MLC/WAW?
Nowhere does she answer the question I have...why end things without trying a few months of therapy?.. I guess that is what bothers me the most, not that her feelings changed, but that she never tried to see what would happen if we went to therapy. We have both benefitted from therapy in the past and had promised that to each other. I feel as if she can't, as if what is driving her inside will not allow it.
Thank you.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Yes.. the email from your w has been seen on this board before.
That doesn't mean it's not her truth.
WAW rewrite history. They have their own perspective on things..
..just as you will have yours.
I understand the why's and the not understanding.....
... my advice is just to accept it. You don't have to agree. You don't have to understand.
Just believe that this is where she is in her journey. One she wants to take alone.
Your w didn't make this decision when she dropped the bomb. She made the decision long before that. Built up over time, with many instances. She battled her doubts and fears with it...
So by the time she dropped the bomb - she has made up her mind. Her feet firmly planted in this new decision.
Look at her email - shift through the WAW spew and see if there is truth to anything she is saying.
Work on those parts, work on becoming a better you...
.. and leave the rest up to God.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Thank you, Val. You are always so kind. How are you? I have been wondering how you are doing. ((( )))
I will sift through it for truth. I know there are some things that I have already taken responsibility for and am working on and I will look for more.
I so wish I had had a clue before the BD. I would have done anything to work through this. that is such a bitter pill to swallow.
But I need to remember what I believe, that this place is an opportunity for me to grow.
On a positive note, I have done a HUGE 180 and have not contacted her about the email. I am on day 10 NC!!
She is coming here for gay pride and to file for the D.
I think I will sit and write a gratitude list. I saw that on labug's thread today.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Okay you know that thing about believe half of what they do and none of what they say...do that.
Yes I think I felt some of that and now I don't. I can't explain that.
When I read it I get an overwhelming sense of guilt and grief from her. She feels like she failed. She failed in loving you, she failed in being what you wanted, she failed despite what she believes was her best efforts to make it work. I have been there. But it didn't mean that I felt like anything could be done...not then.
She's working through her own stuff and she's hurting. I remember crying and staying on the sofa for a whole weekend because my marriage was over. That didn't mean that I tried to work on it, or thought it could be saved. I don't even know if at that point I would have been open to that thought. I was just hurting.
I'm afraid I can't tell you how to proceed from here. That's for more advanced DB'er than me. I am proud of your NC. You're keeping that bridge home in tact which is harder than it sounds.
