P called today, just to catch up. I think that she's aiming for once a week unless something in particular needs to be addressed in between.
She was telling me about her plans for her birthday, so I did it. I just asked her what she wanted. She repeated the question, perhaps a little surprised, thought for a minute, then said “Well, it would be nice if you could visit, but it’s pretty far and I’ll be out of town that day.” I didn't immediately respond (a bit shocked at the sentiment of an invitation if not an actual one). She hastened to say that she really hadn't thought about it and we left it that she would think about it.
So, her initial response wasn't "Nothing!" or "Really, you shouldn't." I'm taking that as a good sign.
Later in the day she emailed a photo of something interesting she'd seen during a bike ride.
I had taken some photos of her cats being amusing but I haven't sent them. I'm considering it. I know she misses them.
I waited a day and sent a couple cat photos. She called to talk about another house she looked at. She told me how VERY MUCH she appreciated the cat photos. I know she misses them terribly. I'm sure she doesn't want to say that because then there'd be the awkwardness of saying she misses me, or not.
She also pointed out that she had some photos of the early stages of the bathroom project and that maybe she should send them to me. But only if I sent her some subsequent photos of the project. She joked that it could be a one for one photo exchange. I pointed out that she's doing well because she got TWO cat photos for the one photo she sent me.
Perhaps she's noticed that she's only getting contact (or anything else - except the birthday gift which was OKed by the DB coach) from me if she initiates or asks. I'm rationing it. There are plenty of things that I want to tell her or discuss with her that I don't. Even on her weekly, leisurely chat calls, there's not time to cover a week's worth of life. It's hard for me to pull back from the intimacy of dailiness. She doesn't want to be tied down by it when she's so far away. She wants to be fully present where she is. I understand, but I don't like it.
When I asked again, she came up with a reasonable suggestion for a birthday gift. She also said, "You don't have to get me a gift." I just said , "I know." She seemed happy when I emailed to say it was on its way. (I only did that because it's something she needs for her upcoming bike trip. If I didn't get it, then she would need to make some other arrangements very soon.)
After discussing the pros and cons of her house hunt for a while, she pulled up short. "It can't be very much fun to hear me talk about all this." I didn't respond right away and I think she just changed the subject a bit (don't remember exactly).
Now, a big reason that she said she had to leave is because when other people are around she is too focused on them and their feelings. She wanted to be able to eliminate all that mental noise so she could discern her own feelings. Fine. So, it's a bit exasperating that she's still trying to intuit my feelings and take care of them.
Anyway, I'd like to come up with a response for that sort of thing in the future. Maybe just a kind, "You don't need to worry about that." Or, "Please don't make assumptions about what I think or feel." No, she can think whatever she wants. I guess I'm wanting her to know that I'm responsible for my feelings and that if she wants to know what they are, then assumptions won't do it.
Maybe just ask. "Are you worried about my feelings?" Then reassure that they're my job. Maybe point out that she can ask me about them if she wants, but they're not her responsibility.
I don't know. I'm far from eloquent with this and it seems that I have more thinking to do about it.
How would you feel about saying to her that you would really like to hear more, that you enjoy when she tells you things about herself and her interests... that you want to know that is important to her..
I know my W was upset near the end that i did not show more interest in her work but she did not tell me..
just a thought. hope you are doing well.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Thanks, NG. Interesting you should suggest that. I've said that to her many times over the years in response to her pausing to note that she's talking too much. Maybe she was just being self-conscious again.
She called today to thank me for the gift that had arrived. We chatted a little, and she was initiating topics of discussion though she reiterated several times that she had just called to thank me. Like she didn't want me to think that she was just calling to talk. She also mentioned that she sent me a newspaper article about some cool local thing I'd find interesting.
I'll be on the road next week and I'm really looking forward to hearing Pia Mellody's audio series on boundaries.
Hi SD, I was thinking about you today and wondering how you are. Perhaps you and Pia are still on the road. Hope all is well. Check-in with us when you have a chance.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Hey NG. Thanks for checking in. I'm reading along, usually pretty quietly. That's a 180 for me!
Not much to report. P sent a newspaper article she thought I'd be interested in. She went on a week long biking adventure (her first) and called a few days into it to tell me how it was going. I strongly suspect that it was an accidental caffeine excess that day that had her awake enough to call that night. That's when she usually looks to me to help her get to sleep.
I'm still struggling with the bathroom project. I'm plodding along, but it's full of mental obstacles. It feels like a big test and there are a whole lot of opportunities to resent things (especially the idea of taking a test).
A friend asked if the project felt like a symbol of the relationship. Yeah, it's carrying an awful lot of weight.
I'm sorting through my feelings and dealing with emotional baggage. It's just a process. Today I'm thinking about the recurrent stress of not just taking another test, but the fear of flunking. It's gripping and that's not right. Needs some work.
I did have a great week on the road with Pia. Got some good, basic, clear ways to think about and address boundaries. She distinguishes between external boundaries (physical space and sexual touch) and internal boundaries (having to do with how we or others think, feel, or behave).
For people with certain abuse issues, the physical boundaries can be a big deal. They don't seem to be a big issue for me. It's the others. I often hear people talking about setting boundaries with other people to reduce their own discomfort. Pia is very clear that, unless the other person is engaging in major offense (i.e. abuse - disrespectful shouting, put downs, etc.) the boundary is maintained inside of us. Silently.
It is our job to observe. When the other person says something, we decide if we think it is true or not. If it is, then we take it in and process it. If it's not, then don't take it in. We let it drop, noting that it's what the other person thinks. The end. If we're trying to defend ourselves and change how they think then we're violating their boundaries.
glad to hear that you are plugging along. it sounds like you are developing a great deal of self-awareness, concerning your feelings about the bathroom and boundaries. your friend was insightful, the bathroom project must seem bigger and more emotionally charged due to all the feelings you are having about the R.
i really like what you said about boundaries being internal and how it is how we decide what to think/do about with what others say and do. it is about controlling ourselves versus trying to control others. a picture of a dam comes to mind with us controlling how much/often we let things in.. i like that.
i have tended to let too much in and to be too defensive...co-dep behaviours, I am sure.
if you think of the bathroom as a symbol of your R, what do you think it means about how you are feeling about the R now? do your feelings change or are they fairly consistent?
you seem so strong, patient and able to wait. i feel more like jello my feelings squiggling all over the place.
thank you for sharing your journey, SD. it really helps me. ((( )))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Feelings are fickle things. They always change. What I'm cultivating is the ability to step back and observe. (That "Be Still and Know" meditation is helpful with that.) Some days I can be cheery and productive. Some days I'm agitated as grief is working its way to the surface. Some days it's not exactly grief, but the processing of something or other that this stirs up.
Because I'm getting better at observing what's going on inside of me, I'm able to identify things like this fear of flunking the test. I note it and the feelings work their way up to be processed.
The bathroom project is a daily temptation to go down the road of resentment and negativity. At every little obstacle, my brain is tempted to visit the place where I feel angry or at least annoyed that P isn't here helping, sorry for myself for not having any help, stressed that it's taking so long and I'm going to have a hard time finishing the season's outdoor projects. Oh yeah, and after all this torment I might still flunk the test. I imagine that P is measuring the speed of my progress against her productivity yardstick and I'm coming up short. Whether it's true or not, it's a destructive thought for me to have.
This is an example of me letting her determine my self worth. Identifying this stuff is huge, so I'll congratulate myself for that. Getting through it and past it is a struggle, too. As I was listing all my negative thoughts above, I heard the guy from that meditation, "It's an opportunity." Really, it's quite a few. "Be grateful" he says...
Oh yeah, got a quick email tonight from P. One of our options for a winter gig came through. That's good news, I think.
Not entirely sure what to think about it but I know there's some terror in the mix. Last year, she spent the time silently keeping score, and dropped the bomb the day after we got back. I don't expect that she'd be wanting to do this if that was her plan. (I suspect that she thinks if she has the detachment of going as friends then she won't CARE so much about all those things that were driving her nuts and we'll be more likely to have fun.) Still, I'm going to either have to feel confident that she's not going to do the silent score keeping or confident that I won't feel terrible if she does. I'll start by working on the latter.
