She also suggested I read the following books, which are talked about on the forum all the time:
-How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It -Five Love Languages -Love & Respect
I am also getting coaching from Cheryl. Five Love Languages is great, simple and will help you understand what he needs and what you do. Includes a great chapter on Love is a Choice. Also I just downloaded How To Improve to my iPad and it is fascinating stuff. In first few chapters right now but looking forward to getting into the meat later.
M 53, W 48 T 25, M 18 S 15, D 11 "I'me done!" 6/13/2010 Exit started 8/21/2011 ILYBNILWY W consults with L 9/2011, no papers filed Separated 1/16/2012
Hi RoRo, it sounds like we got similar advice from Cheryl (on being more girlfriendly), and I think it's good advice.
I think it's great that you've kept track of your goals (which are very specific and achievable). It's also great to see where you feel like you haven't achieved as much so you have a sense of what to do next. It's important not to beat yourself up about not being as good at sticking to goals 1&2 so long as you can accept that you are human and that you will do better moving forward I'm also struggling with some of the goals that are outside of my comfort zone but I know it's important to work on them, so I will be working on them, too. #9 and #11 are also goals of mine and sometimes I have to really stop myself and force it initially because I am so used to not giving H my full attention when he is talking! That's so horrible to think about now!
I too have found reading as a great way to address some issues, way moreso than the MC that we tried. It's funny that I'll read something and think that our MC was trying to nudge us in that direction but she didn't really press it and didn't put it in the framework that some of the books have really helped me with (5LL and How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It). Sometimes I feel silly reading books with titles like these but the message is really about working on yourself, which is something a lot of us didn't do enough to keep us from ending up here!
Anyway, I came here to say that it at least sounds like you are on the right track and you know what you need to do for now, so good luck with keeping on that!
My first comment is BRAVO! It's an inspiration to see someone having success such as yours. It also makes me feel better that you are having success and implementing methods suggested by a DB coach that go against again the grain of "doing things by the book". The fact that you are still residing with your H is a Godsend, although I know it is hard if there is OP involved, you are doing much better than I could in that situation. I wish I could have got things under control before us physically separating, that makes things very hard...
In short, great job and keep doing what you're doing as it seems to be working. I like the written list of goals I think I'm going to have to steal that one. Keep on keeping on!!!
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
your hsband did not look outside the marriage because of things you lacked but because of things he lacked...
he lacked the ability to tell you what he wanted he lacked the ability to communicate with you fully
you are NOT a mind reader
you may not have been fully tuned in... you maybe did not do things in ways that you were always proud of
you can own those things but not your husband's choices
Great post fig! It was a reminder that we can only own and be responsible for our own choices.
Ro.. It's really hard to always be superwoman. Hmmm... Makes me think of that song.. Do you know the one I'm talking about. Early in the morning I put breakfast on the table.. And make sure that your coffee has its sugar and cream.. Your eggs are over easy, your toast done lightly.. Sigh
I honestly don't know how you do it. It takes incredible strength to continue trying to DB when you are constantly reminded of OW. But.. Love is a choice. Are you choosing to love even when you don't feel loving? Just a question. No advice.
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
Great post fig! It was a reminder that we can only own and be responsible for our own choices.
Ro.. It's really hard to always be superwoman. Hmmm... Makes me think of that song.. Do you know the one I'm talking about. Early in the morning I put breakfast on the table.. And make sure that your coffee has its sugar and cream.. Your eggs are over easy, your toast done lightly.. Sigh
I honestly don't know how you do it. It takes incredible strength to continue trying to DB when you are constantly reminded of OW. But.. Love is a choice. Are you choosing to love even when you don't feel loving? Just a question. No advice.
Hey BF! Yes, I remember the song. One of my favorites.
I don't know how I'm doing this either. One day at a time, I guess. And no, I don't always choose to love. That's something I definitely need to work on. I know I've had conditions with my love, and no M can work like that. Even if we don't make it, I can't take this baggage with me.
Wanted to give an update on my weekend! It was a great weekend. The drive down to NC on Friday night was cool. I drove most of the way because H was in pain and slept. We did do some talking, but not anything R related. Just nice conversation. We haven’t done that in a while. I miss that.
Saturday was a LONG day. Got to see my Sissie graduate with a 4.0 GPA and receive her MS in School Administration. Michelle Obama was the commencement speaker, so that was great to see, also. Went to my sister’s party afterwards and had a ball. All of my family was babying H because of his knee, and he was eating it up. LOL He went to hang out with one of his friends later that night (I wanted to tell him if he saw OW, he'd be walking back to MD, but I didn't. LOL), and I just chilled at my friend’s house and put his b-day present together. I had it shipped to my sister’s house earlier last week. Got him this panoramic camera accessory for his iphone. He had no idea he was getting it and was SO excited when he opened it. Hugged and kissed me several times saying thank you and I love you.
And Sunday we headed back home. We called his mom to say Happy Mother’s Day and he told her that her gift was in the mail. (Totally NOT true, but whatever) I then asked if my gift was in the mail too. He said yes, but he didn’t think to get it shipped to NC like I did. I joked and said not even a card? He said he had looked for one during the week, but couldn’t find one he really liked. (Maybe he was trying to go generic like I did for V-day?) He was like I was looking for one last night when we were in CVS, but you were watching me like a hawk. LOL (Yet I managed to pick up his b-day card without him seeing me!) Talking about he didn’t want to use his leg as an excuse, but it is bothering him. Both his mother and I laughed. Like you don’t want to use your knee as an excuse, but really you are. (For once, I didn’t take it as a personal offense. It was actually like old times when we used to joke around a lot.) I TOTALLY would have been pissed before that he didn’t hobble around to get my gift. We had lunch before we left at one of our favorite greasy spoons in town. I can say we did spend the whole weekend together, mostly just us hanging out, and that was worth more than any card.
This whole weekend I would catch H sneaking glances at me. I would look at him, and he’d turn his head. Kinda weird. He was touchy feely a lot this weekend. I was totally not prepared for that. But didn’t shy away from it. I did tense up a lot initially because I wasn’t expected it, but just told myself to relax each time. I put a message on his FB page for his birthday. So did OW, but I didn’t even mention it. Hers (both on FB & Twitter) was pretty generic too, which is strange considering some of the stuff she had posted before. Whatevs. He responded that he was so thankful for everything I do. That there are not enough words of gratitude or something like that. And that he loved me too. Again, I wasn't particularly fond of the message, given some of the things he used to write. But I got over my expectations, and moved on. He did at least write a message so I guess that’s something.
Here's something else that I’ve noticed about H. He’s been making a point to tell me where he’s going to be – in training at work, leaving early, etc., as well as who he’s talking to on the phone when I call and he has to click over. He’s also been sending the check-in emails first at work. I’ve even gotten quite a few phone calls as soon as he’s gotten off the train (This is normally the time he would be talking to the skank). I can tell its extra effort because since January at bomb drop (Hell, even before then), he has NOT been doing any of this.
He’s still ever the gentlemen making sure I have what I need around the house (fixes my plate at dinner, brings me water to take my meds, etc.). Been extra cuddly on the couch and in bed. Got an early Happy Anniversary yesterday from him. Was surprised. I will admit that it feels good.
Had a moment last night thinking about how hard the last 5 months have been and how I never thought we'd make it to our anniversary still living in the same house. It's been H#LL for sure, but I am thankful I have the chance to DB and learn some stuff about myself I never knew.
We exchanged gifts shortly after 12 midnight last night. His anniversary gift - I paid up the web domain for the website he's been wanting: Writeous Works Productions. Talk about a look of surprise. I told him that I know he's felt that I don't support his dreams and things he wants to do. I told him that regardless of what happened, I wanted him to know I did support him and believed in him. Really stepped out on this one. Granted I still hear that voice in the back of my head saying he might still be leaving. But this is something I said I was going to do a LONG time ago, and never did. No strings attached this time though. It feels good.
Got an anniversary card from H (my gift still isn't here!). The front just said, "I love you". Inside it said, "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me!" and he signed it with "I love you more than you know!". Guess I've graduated from "I will always love you"? Said he didn't want to get anything mushy, just something to the point. We're supposed to do dinner and a movie tonight.
Trying to stay grounded and not too hopeful that this all means something. So easy to get swept away. I mean how in the world do I accept all of this “love” and still be prepared for him moving out?
Some very wise friends to told me to just live. So that's what I've been trying to do. But when you've been planning your entire life since you were 7 years old, it's a hard habit to break. I will admit in the moments when I can do it, it is very freeing. But also quite scary too. Letting things just happen is not something I do. But I'm willing to try. Anything has got to be better than where I am now in my life.
Oh, Ro, don't apologize for the long post, you had a lot of wonderful things to share! I know how scary it can be to just "live" and that is something I struggle with, too. You're a few months ahead of me so it's great to see that there can be hope (although things are not looking so hot for me right now). Keep up the great work you've been doing!
I'm also struggling with some of the goals that are outside of my comfort zone but I know it's important to work on them, so I will be working on them, too. #9 and #11 are also goals of mine and sometimes I have to really stop myself and force it initially because I am so used to not giving H my full attention when he is talking! That's so horrible to think about now!