Optimistic...not hopeless! :)

[Broken74]

Accuray I also wanted to thank you for your post, it's a keeper! I think what you said is exactly what is going on at this point with my WAS and I think she is about to break through... That is what I am praying for anyway.

hopingandpraying, keep your chin up and keep up the good work, you are doing great from what I read!

[hopingandpraying]

Thanks, everyone!

Accuray you are right! I guess I do understand the feelings that he is quite possibly feeling. It just is hard to understand.

I am patiently waiting for that chance to play the 'as if' role because I have not been able to play that in front of him in a month because the last time I blew up at him.

The other thing that bothers me is that he did the change of address, has not told me where he has moved, and I know that mail that I need (property taxes and car payment) have been forwarded to him because they are in his name first, then mine, but the address for those two bills only come in his name.

Why can't he send a simple email or text stating that he received that tax bill? I really don't care about the car payment, because I make my payments online, but the tax bill?!?!?!? I only know about the tax bill because all of my neighbors have been talking about how they received their bills.

[wishing, hoping]

Accuray that is genius! Pure genius! I was feeling pretty downtrodden and depressed but that post is like the answer to a prayer. I feel renewed. : )

[Accuray]

Glad that was so helpful! HopingAndPraying, I would go to the town office and get a copy of the tax bill or get it sent to you directly if you're the one living there. He may just ignore it, and you don't want to get into a situation where your tax bill isn't paid. Wait until just before it's due, go in and ask if it's been paid. If it hasn't pay it and keep the receipt in case you need it down the line.

I will share with you what my W wrote to me after we started piecing about her frame of mind while a WAW:

"When i went back to work, i found a lot of opportunities to connect with people which i was really craving. When i think about how I felt about [OM1] or [OM2] it was the connection that was the most attractive thing about both of them. They each, in different ways, were very interested in connecting with me and that satisfied a need I had.

I didn't like the secrecy and didn't enjoy at all the anxiety that went along with it. I've known all along that how I was feeling was not OK and that looking for a connection outside our marriage was wrong. I felt stuck, scared to confront what was wrong with our marriage and scared to confront how wrong my behavior was. So i created a place where i defined us as something I needed to learn to accept and rationalized my transgressions."

So although I was getting a very "business-like" demeanor and no apparent show of regret or remorse, she really did know that what she was doing was wrong, she was scared on many fronts, and instead of facing herself, she just rationalized what she was doing. This eventually caught up with her as it will do with anyone, it's a torturous way to live.

Accuray

[hopingandpraying]

Thank you so much Accuray for sharing this. I do think he knows what he is doing is wrong and he is trying to rationalize because he did tell ppl that he had the PA after he left, but we separated stating "no other people!"

I would think it is a tortuous way to live. Maybe it is catching up on him little by little, but I'll never know for the time being.

I am going to call my mortgage company and see if they received a copy and if not, then I'll have to go get a copy and send it to them.

[wishing, hoping]

Please believe that your H is ashamed to see you and afraid of what you will say and doesn't have the slightest idea of what to say to you. I asked my H at one point how he could consider me a friend when he didn't look at me or talk to me and hated being around me. He said that was very far from the truth and that he cared about me more than I will ever know but that he never knew what to say to me. I know my H is ashamed and confused but that just makes him retreat farther into the arms of OW who accepts him for who he is and has no idea about his demons and doesn't really know who he really is. I look at my H and can just see the pain in his eyes.

So don't think for a moment your H is out living the high life without you. He is running away from reality. One day reality will more than likely smack him in the face.

[RoRoinMD]

When he does contact you, it will be important to be approachable, to be happy, and not to pepper in guilt or other shaming comments. That can be HARD but works wonders if you can pull it off. It makes you approachable versus ominous.

This is REALLY good! I needed this reminder. I don't do so good with the no guilt and no shaming thing. H always looks so defeated whenever I bring up his A.

[wishing, hoping]

I dont have to say anything to H. He just looks at me and he feels guilty.

[Accuray]

My MC said "an affair is just two people telling each other how wonderful they are". That's unfortunately what WAS gets from OM/OW, and why it's so hard to re-establish connection or interest in the marriage while that's going on. OM/OW is all positive, and "real life" in your marriage is both positives and negatives, as well as a toll to be paid for what they have done.

Accuray

[Nblost]

Totally agree with Accuray and I think you also typically have to add in extremely powerful sexual attraction. The chemicals being released are like drugs.

There's some great insights online if you google "affair fog".

Honestly, if you are dealing with a full blown EA/PA...I don't think it really matters what you do while the affair is ongoing. I think in an ideal world, you detach and set clear boundaries. It's just not worth the emotional energy to deal with them during the affair.

In my case, my H barely remembers most of the conversations we've had. I've filed for D and am trying to get him out of the house. If anything, he's now starting to wake up a bit...although I think it's too late. I feel done.