I feel like I might have posted what I wanted a long time ago but don't remember where that post is. I have a two male friends, one married and one single. I am really comfortable with them and can talk about anything with either one. They are both intelligent, funny, educated, witty guys. They are good listeners and offer good advice/male perspective. The unmarried guy is one I would date if he wanted to date me but he was married to a woman he worked with and that went really bad, and he's been divorced 14 years since, and he just has a thing now about not wanting to date a person he works with. He and I are attracted to one another and flirt but we just don't act on it. He's actually pretty emotionally held back--he listens and all to me, but he rarely offers anything up from himself. He's very guarded.
As for what I want in a guy I'd have a relationship with, intelligence is important, wanting to learn new things intellectually, some sense of spirituality but not dogmatic, (I'm sort of a hybrid with mostly Buddhist practice and one or two remnants of Catholicism), must love cats as they are part of my life, liking dogs is fine as I could accept a dog, no kids or kids grown up, doesn't want more kids as I'm not having them, someone I'm strongly physically attracted to, someone who wants a very active sex life with me, is occasionally romantic, clever/witty sense of humor, someone with his own interests who pursues them regularly, someone with his own friends or at least closeness with family so that we aren't the only person in the world for each other all the time, someone who is passionate about something, whether it's a job or hobby or whatever, as long as it's some sort of productive thing to be passionate about (as in, don't want someone who plays 18 hours a day of video games).
Lastly? Emotionally available and open and not making me have to be a mind-reader or hiding his feelings from me.
That's an awful lot of qualities. The guy I have been seeing is all those things but the last one. So I have compromised on the last point because everything else with him feels so "right", but in the past 24 hours we got into a confrontation on the whole issue of his emotional availability and the relationship may not survive the confrontation. We are in our separate corners now trying to figure ourselves out.
So I'm pretty much single.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
In response to your other post, I have lots of women friends but very few male friends, and this stems from the fact that every single man I meet is married. Whether it is at the two restaurants I frequent, where I meet a lot of people, or meditation group, or work, or wherever, everyone is married. My close married male friend is my friend "at the office." He and I can't hang out or do things socially, really. I like his wife and daughters and once in awhile I will get invited to things and I go, but he isn't really able to do things with me socially. He's too busy. Plus their best couple friends include a woman who is my former student who is really quite hateful towards me for a bunch of reasons...and she is the type who would suggest he and I were doing something wrong if he and I hung out alone--just to stir the pot, she'd do that. I don't get invited to things because she is there. Her husband is a work colleague but same thing...he and I can't be close because of her.
Women don't trust their husbands around a newly divorced woman with no kids, it seems. Or they don't trust the woman.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Oh wow, KD, funny thing happened when I made the post on the alt that I was taking a break from FB to just deal with personal issues. I got contacted by 3 of my alt friends via the email address I left if anyone "needed me"--all men in committed relationships writing to say "is everything ok, was worried about you." I guess I have more male friends than I realize, though 2 of the 3 I've never met in person. And I guess I forgot, I've communicated with a few of the men from the DB board too on the alt or via phone/text. But none of this matters since the majority don't live anywhere near me ;-)
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I didn't see that post but went back to read it. Funny, if I had read that first and not seen you posting here, I would probably have sent you an email, too... lol.
Something that I work on is knowing the difference between someone who "cares"... and someone who is "interested"... I don't know if this is going to make sense, but I'll try to explain it...
About 15 years ago, I was at a retreat with a group of people I didn't otherwise know. Close to the end of the week, I was invited by one of the people to visit her that evening to get my hair cut. Very benign and innocent.
When I arrived, I was fairly overwhelmed by what happened, but knew that my take from that evening was an experience I would never forget. The appartment was being shared by four people, only one of whom was single (and very cute, about my age).
From the moment I walked in the door, these ladies surrounded my and began an evening of me just being pampered. They made me comfortable, I got my hair cut, I hung out and chatted with them, and at one point, I was laying on one of the beds and they began to take turns feeding me, both with utensils and without...
What I learned was: a) not everyone who is nice to me has a negative, ulterior motive, b) I can open up to being cared for and unconditionally loved, without any other relationship motive, c) I am worthy of being loved, d) enjoy the moments for memories made, e) my only boundaries (walls) are they ones I have created and enforce and they are the difference between me hiding away in a bubble, or me opening up to what the world has to offer
What I also learned was, if I do not make myself available... if I hide in my bubble and behind my boundaries... I am not giving the world my all and the world... the universe... God... gives me back only what I can handle... If I want more than what I have... I have to give more of myself and I will get more back... I can peek over the wall and wish... or I can open the gate and step out...
We are all mirrors... I'd bet you are guarded with your guarded friend... I'd bet that if you genuinely opened up to him, he'd open up more to you... were you willing to risk that, before? Probably not... would you be willing to risk that now, or in the future? And could you do that without expectations? Only you know that answer... I'm not saying "go for it"...
But as they say:
"When the student is ready, the teacher appears..."
"When you stop seeking something you want, it finds you"
That goes for both the co-worker... as well as the guy you'd been seeing...
In regards to your male friends who are M... be DB about it... include their Ws... be transparent with their Ws... even the ones who you feel don't like or trust you...
I think you are doing fine and like my friend... there's no need to rush... there's plenty of love to get and give that does not have to include a R... and when that time finally comes... you'll know... and you'll finally be ready for it...
I agree with a lot of what you say above. The thing is I am seriously extroverted. I have had periods of introversion, staying in my bubble working on my book during sabbatical, but that ended in December. But the one thing I learned is that I need to be out and about a lot or it drives me batty. I can spend maybe 2 days in the house alone and by the third, I "have" to go out and socialize. I feel weird if I don't. So since December, I never peek over the wall. I'm over the wall.
There are two "classy" restaurants I go to where I only sit at the bar as that lets me meet people when a table doesn't. (this area has very few classy places, and by classy I mean clean and not trashy, lol). I am a regular to the point where I know the entire staff of both places and I am good friends with two of the women bartenders. They introduce me to all kinds of people. I am very open and friendly to anyone I meet. But no single guys ever come in unless they are about 20 years younger and I'm not going there. They come in in "packs" with their buddies anyway. We sometimes talk but there is a big disconnect between a group of guys still in college and me, a professor. There just isn't going to be a viable friendship there.
I also go to things outside going out for dinner/drinks. I go to art galleries, poetry readings, music performances, meditation group, PTO fundraisers, etc. I used to not allow students to connect with me on FB because I didn't want them crossing the boundary to my personal life, but now I do if they friend me. I am like their "den mother" as most are young women and they seek advice. I get a lot of "can I confide in you about my relationship" type things...because they seem to think I am like a big sister.
What I'm getting at is that I am really open to meeting people and I am very friendly and outgoing. I take advantage of every outlet possible to make new connections. And no matter where I look, people are married or in long-term committed relationships. At all age ranges.
I was hit on pretty hard in the past month by 2 different men at different times. One was married and one had a long-term girlfriend. I immediately pointed this out and got "so, she's not here now" or "well, let me just say my wife TRIES to write but can't, but maybe you and I could get together and you could offer some pointers." I do not know where the single men are who are intelligent and respectful.
I tried the online dating route. Disaster. Single men my age who had never been in a relationship more than 2 or 3 months--who couldn't hold a conversation because their anxiety over meeting in person was so bad--versus men who were downright raunchy and disrespectful and wanted only one thing and weren't afraid to say it.
It's just really bleak. As for my guarded friend, he's made a lot of statements that show he isn't interested. One was the whole "I won't date someone I work with." Two was "I'm too old for you" (he is 50 and I am 43 and while I don't care in his case, he does, he thinks this is too big a gap). Another is the fact that I can tell he is completely enamored with another female coworker whom he is best friends with and she is married, and they have this bond that many of us speculate is more than friends though we guess they never act on it. PLUS, he reminds me of my ex-husband in too many ways. Probably a reason I'm attracted to him! So he's just not a viable candidate to even date.
I've thought about asking for a FWB arrangement with him, but he has 2 or 3 other FWB partners and I just think that's kind of scary ;-) I couldn't go there.
The one good thing about all of this being without someone in my life is that my creativity is THROUGH THE ROOF. I've never written better in my life, never had more ideas, never produced so much. I am enormously confident in my writing and thinking abilities now and I never was before. So I guess there is that ;-) I can always hope some guy reads my book coming out and says "I simply MUST meet this woman!!" and then seeks me out, ha ha...it sounds like something out of a silly movie ;-)
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I'm still not at that point of wanting an intimate, monogamous R with someone ATM... although yes, a FWB can seem enticing...
It sure does sound like you are doing the "right" things in getting yourself out there.
Here's something you might try... Make a list of all the single guys you know. Start scheduling dates with them. It does not matter if they are too old... or too young... or too crazy... or too... whatever... just start going on dates (1 on 1 or doubles)...
You could also enlist your friends to set you up on blind dates... if they are really your friends, why would they not...? lol...
And... I'm just going to say again... if you aren't getting any bites... it could be one of two possibilities... either you are coming across as needy and desperate... or you are coming across as aloof or disinterested...
One thing I've noticed with extroverts and "promoter" types... they often don't stand still long enough to be "caught"...
And... I'm just going to say again... if you aren't getting any bites... it could be one of two possibilities... either you are coming across as needy and desperate... or you are coming across as aloof or disinterested...
One thing I've noticed with extroverts and "promoter" types... they often don't stand still long enough to be "caught"...
So, if we are not with a man, and would like to be, we are either needy or aloof . . . . hmm any comments from other women on this??
Nice to know it is entirely our problem as women, and certainly lets guys off the hook!! Not the experience of any single women I know, but there you go.
funny, I didn't find too many available singles, here... 
