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#2245268 - 05/15/12 08:13 AM Re: Hello, WAW. Is anyone there? [Re: AlwaysTrying]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/11
Posts: 243
I spent 3 hours last night talking to a friend about whether I should move home because it's the best way I can take care of myself if divorce is inevitable, or whether I should continue to try to give lots of distance and hope for the best.

I had trouble sleeping.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

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#2245270 - 05/15/12 08:26 AM Re: Hello, WAW. Is anyone there? [Re: AlwaysTrying]
robb Offline
Member

Registered: 09/20/03
Posts: 118
Loc: Virginia
Ain't that the trut!! Children need their dads everyday.

Originally Posted By: AlwaysTrying

I'm not a weekend dad. It's not in my DNA.
_________________________
Me:53
W:50
M:29 years
T: 30 years
Children: S21, D12

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#2245388 - 05/15/12 02:21 PM Re: Hello, WAW. Is anyone there? [Re: robb]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/11
Posts: 243
New correspondence from her lawyer. He has scheduled a conference on the 24th. My lawyer said she would try to have it adjourned.

I sent this correspondence to my lawyer:
Quote:
Thanks, Anne. You guys are swell.

Current facts:
1) I am living day-to-day outside of the marital home
2) I am at the house Tuesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays to be with the kids. I stay at the house over nights on Friday.
3) I do see my kids most Sundays at church and sometimes afterward
4) I continue to desire time to resolve some conflict in the marriage, so I'm not eager to move back in the house. A friend described that as "an act of war". Wife really doesn't want me there.
5) Wife may never ease up and I may have to start fighting for what I think is mine.
6) Wife wants physical custody of the kids during the week with my having access during partial or alternating weekends and perhaps an evening during the week. This is unacceptable to me.
7) I want equal custody of the children, and I absolutely want some school days and some weekend days.
8) Wife is not interested in keeping the house. I am. That's something we can agree on.
9) I don't want to pay child support. I'll need all of my income to keep the house. I don't make that much more money than my Wife, and if you take her benefits into account, there is very little gap.

Perhaps I need to move home so that I am with the children more often. As far as I understand it, our agreement is that I continue to have a right to move back into the house if I wish to, even if it upsets her. Can she do anything to change that?

I filed an extension on my taxes because the situation is a disaster. She filed separately and claimed the kids. I have about $30,000 in income that I paid $0 in taxes in and probably owe around 10K. This was largely due to depression brought on by the breakdown in the marriage.
Wife has refused to show me her returns, has pocketed a tax return, and also has taken an approximately $5000 reimbursement from a dependent care expenses account and pocketed that as well.

I would like to re-file as married for 2011, split the tax liability, and split the dependent care expenses reimbursement. I'm going to need that money to pay for legal fees.

All of this is true, and still, I want to stall for time.

If you think this warrants a phone call, please let me know and I am available to talk almost any time.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

Top
#2245530 - 05/15/12 10:40 PM Re: Hello, WAW. Is anyone there? [Re: AlwaysTrying]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/11
Posts: 243
I really wanted to try to be giving my W all kinds of extra space before our next counseling session so we can talk about how I can give her more space so that at the next counseling session we can talk about how maybe I *can* give her the space she needs and we should put the divorce on hold.

Today, I failed in a few ways. Wife was in a really bad stressed mood. She is getting ready for a weekend away for her cousin's wedding and she feels fat. She feels unprepared. She has no swimsuit. She may have said something like "fat people don't need swimsuits".

I said, "You seem really stressed. How about a hug?" She leaned in and pulled back at the last moment and said, "Oh, I'm mad at you! I can't hug you." "About what?" "About what you posted on Facebook."

I wish I knew why that upset her. I had a hard time dealing with the fact that I knew she was upset with me, but I wasn't sure why and it was hard not to call and ask. When she went to run errands, I realized I had been kinda slow on the fat thing, so I sent her a couple of texts: "Maybe you don't have the body you want right now, but you are an attractive woman. It's sad to hear you say you're fat." "I often think to myself, 'wow! That's a cute girl over there.'"

No response.

When she got home, it looked like she wasn't going to be happy as long as I was there, so I tried to get going (have to wash dishes and clean up first) but there were two loads of laundry sitting up in the living room that needed to be folded that I brought up there while she was out. I felt really bad about not folding them and I tried to ask my wife if she wanted me to help fold the laundry before I left. She actually avoided the question. She's going to be annoyed that she has to do it herself, annoyed that I left it there for her, annoyed that I was there to begin with, annoyed that I had to ask, annoyed that I didn't leave the house sooner, and annoyed that I left her with a mess. Annoying.

So I called her when I left the house in the hope that she would be able to talk if she knew that she didn't have to deal with my immediate physical presence, and I asked her if there is anything I can do to help take a load off of her.

It is so hard to resist the urge to try and make things better for her. I still love this woman. Madly? I've loved her madly for nearly 14 years. I guess I don't feel quite the same as before, but I do want to make her happy.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

Top
#2245819 - 05/16/12 08:15 PM Re: Hello, WAW. Is anyone there? [Re: AlwaysTrying]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/11
Posts: 243
I'm preparing to talk to her tonight.

I'm so detached. Shouldn't be a problem. And yet, the reason I want to talk is to "make sure" she really wants to go through with the divorce at this point.

I am prepared to back off and give her space in a great many other ways, but if she is unable to put things off a little further, it leaves me little choice but to start taking actions she is not going to like.

And one of those is moving back into the house.

I think I'll say something like:
"I'm not pursuing you, really. Please let me show you. Also, please don't divorce me. I just want to give you space. So call me and talk about this emotionally charged subject. I just want to give us some time to let emotions settle a bit. But if you don't think you can, I'm going to fight you for custody of the kids. No offense."

I just hope I get the opportunity to say, "I understand how you feel that way about xxx" smile
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

Top
#2245821 - 05/16/12 08:21 PM Re: Hello, WAW. Is anyone there? [Re: AlwaysTrying]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8399
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Originally Posted By: AlwaysTrying
"I understand how you feel that way about xxx" smile


I think we should pick that apart a little more... wink
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2245822 - 05/16/12 08:21 PM Re: Hello, WAW. Is anyone there? [Re: AlwaysTrying]
scaredsilly Offline
Member

Registered: 01/12/12
Posts: 1219
you're joking, right?
_________________________
M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing


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#2245823 - 05/16/12 08:22 PM Re: Hello, WAW. Is anyone there? [Re: labug]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8399
Loc: Sonoran Desert
That's a very funny post...at least I think you meant it to be funny.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

Top
#2245824 - 05/16/12 08:25 PM Re: Hello, WAW. Is anyone there? [Re: AlwaysTrying]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/11
Posts: 243
Maybe the DB thing to do is to not have this conversation. She is leaving for a wedding for a few days and will be back on Sunday.

Eventually, she will realize I've given all my money to my attorney, and will get a letter from her attorney asking for her financials for last year so we can re-file the taxes.

I can just move back into the house without explaining why. See, the reason that I really want to have the conversation is that last time I moved in and it was a huge mistake it was a giant failure of communication. She believed I thought I could (and was trying to) force us back together and that I would never give her the space she was asking for. That wasn't true.

And it's not true now. I want to remind her that I do respect her needs and wishes and would like very much to have an opportunity to show that. But this divorce is an act of war much more than my moving back in is. She is leaving me without any other options.

I want her to know that this is preventable and that it is just a result of her decisions.


And I still think if I sat back and did nothing but DB, try to stay dark, and wait, she might just come around on the idea of putting the divorce on hold until we've worked on it a little further. Maybe.

Instead, I'm going to move back into the house, enraging her in a way she may never recover from.

Bah.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

Top
#2245825 - 05/16/12 08:27 PM Re: Hello, WAW. Is anyone there? [Re: labug]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/11
Posts: 243
Originally Posted By: labug
That's a very funny post...at least I think you meant it to be funny.


My sarcasm is hard to detect sometimes. I'm not that deluded. It was meant to be a joke.

But it is self-satire. I'm trying not to have the conversation I just described, but I probably will. I have trouble figuring out what *not* to say.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

Top
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