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#2243504 - 05/08/12 01:45 AM Re: Not sure of next step [Re: Starsky309]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
wow - i missed a lot , too!

i guess while i was reading all your answers to my question and the discussion that ensued - i was hoping to get some practical advice that one could apply in their sitch - especially when dealing with mlc and an affair.

what happens when the A is known to selected persons by the WAS and not to others - is that usual - what does it say about the sitch and the WAS when they choose to only tell certain people - or is that a trivial detail that doesn't matter.

and what about the LBS - should they "support" that by not making it more public, or allow the WAS in their MLC to dictate who knows and doesn't know?

If you believe that, then you won't care about the whole "commitment-vs.-compliance" thing at the early stage -- you will want to try to end the affair and convince the wayward spouse to return to the marriage and work with you on it, together, understanding that the DESIRE may take a looong time to return

Starsky - couldn't this come across as pursuing big time? that's what i tried to do in the first couple of months - it didn't work, just made him more determined, it seemed.

i agree with you about affairs being highly addictive - because i have felt that myself when i had one during my first marriage.

i also like what you wrote about ultimatum versus boundary.

thanks for this discussion

shakey , hope you are doing well
zig
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2243507 - 05/08/12 01:50 AM Re: Not sure of next step [Re: Accuray]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
your spouse cannot separate the person from the package they represent

wow accuray - thanks for writing that - it put a whole new spin on how to view what the WAS is doing - it's not the person they are having the affair with per se that is the issue - it is what they represent. things like freedom, control, unconditional acceptance, fun, no history, beginning with a clean slate...

all phrases that h has said to me in discussing why he should keep going in that direction.

frankly, its actually less hurtful to look at it that way - because then one can not take it quite so personally, right? (a bit tongue incheek there, just to clarify!!!)
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2243510 - 05/08/12 01:58 AM Re: Not sure of next step [Re: zig]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 5012
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: zig

If you believe that, then you won't care about the whole "commitment-vs.-compliance" thing at the early stage -- you will want to try to end the affair and convince the wayward spouse to return to the marriage and work with you on it, together, understanding that the DESIRE may take a looong time to return

Starsky - couldn't this come across as pursuing big time? that's what i tried to do in the first couple of months - it didn't work, just made him more determined, it seemed.



I'm sorry, I'm not understanding. How is trying to bust up an affair even remotely considered "pursuing?" confused


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2243513 - 05/08/12 02:01 AM Re: Not sure of next step [Re: zig]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
Originally Posted By: zig
what happens when the A is known to selected persons by the WAS and not to others - is that usual - what does it say about the sitch and the WAS when they choose to only tell certain people - or is that a trivial detail that doesn't matter.


There are any number of reasons why an A spouse might overtly hide an A or at best, expose the OP to only a select few the A spouse knows supports them.

MLC or not, no... it does not matter... MLC is not an excuse to have an A. In both cases, the A spouse must still be responsible for their choice to have an OP.

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#2243519 - 05/08/12 02:13 AM Re: Not sure of next step [Re: ~ kd ~]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
Zig, there is some really good conversations in the infidelity forum around your questions.

Many of us who have been around for a while have gone through these discussions as well as other, just as sensitive topics. And there are definitely two different, polar camps in many of these topics.

Some say expose the A, others say ignore the A. Some say confront the A partner, others say ignore the A.

In the end, MWD and the coaches and mods on this board strongly recommend not exposing an A.

And... in the end, we are all entitled to choose our path and do as we wish and be responsible for our actions.

Not to speak for Starsky, but I understand his position is to verbally state the boundary in no uncertain terms to the A spouse, and then the LBS is to move forward.

My personal position is to simply move forward without verbalizing, as my actions indicate my intentions and ultimately my boundaries.

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#2243542 - 05/08/12 02:53 AM Re: Not sure of next step [Re: ~ kd ~]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
thanks KD and star sky for your responses - they give me much to think about

i don't want to hijack shakey's thread and i do find that this is a very confusing area for me.

thanks for the advice - KD - i will go check out the threads on the infidelity forum - if any specific ones come to mind could you point them out to me please

i hope that this discussion helped other people too

thanks zig
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


Top
#2243547 - 05/08/12 03:05 AM Re: Not sure of next step [Re: zig]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
lol... star sky... hahahahahaaa...


thank YOU for the laugh, zig... grin

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#2243556 - 05/08/12 03:37 AM Re: Not sure of next step [Re: ~ kd ~]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
glad to oblige - but it was completely unintended

those typos get me in a spot every once in a while - i'm still dealing with those "ditches" but now i'm watching out for them - literally and figuratively

sorry starsky (oooh i saw that - the devil in my computer tried to sneak star sky in again - if i had missed that it would have been the ditches thing all over again)
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


Top
#2243613 - 05/08/12 01:17 PM Re: Not sure of next step [Re: Starsky309]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8877
Loc: Sonoran Desert
I don't have the data to back it up -- just anecdotal experience --

Yay, Starsky, transparency!
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2243625 - 05/08/12 02:09 PM Re: Not sure of next step [Re: labug]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 5012
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: labug
I don't have the data to back it up -- just anecdotal experience --

Yay, Starsky, transparency!



Yes, I know it comes as a shock to everyone that I'm not a published author of best-selling books, and highly-paid lecturer and therapist. (((rolls eyes)))
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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