I'm new to the DB Forum and am not sure if I'm posting this in the right place or whether my marriage is beyond all hope of saving.
H moved oversees to work in Aug 11. Starting from Oct 11 our relationship started to deteriorate really quickly. When he came home for Christmas he was completely physically and emotionally withdrawn. He told me things no longer felt right and he needed some time and space to decide what he wanted to do. I asked him if he was involved with anyone else and he said no.
He returned back to work in Jan. I tried to respect his request for time and space and would send him a short, upbeat email every 5-7 days. He would send a similar style reply every 10-14 days. Apart from one phone call where he told me he would be cutting short his April visit with me to spend time with a friend in London we did not speak.
Between Jan-Mar I went on a major self-improvement kick. I acknowledged how I contributed to issues in my marriage (e.g. being critical, taking him for granted, not showing him how much I appreciated him) and started making a number of positive personal changes. I completed a teaching English course, kept myself busy with work, friends, exercise, hobbies and did some redecorating to the house. I also spoke with a couple of different counsellors and read numerous self-help books.
In April H came home for his brief visit (he needed to return for work reasons). Although he was still completely physically and emotionally withdrawn, we got along well, he was a bit more open and honest about our relationship and he commented on the positive changes I had made. I gave him a letter apologizing for the hurt I had caused, reiterating my commitent to our marriage and my desire to start over again and asked him if we could perhaps try to start by spending some more time together. Although I had hoped that, by doing my teaching English course, he would agree to me coming back with him in the Spring, he said he would resent it if I moved out there with him but that we could maybe spend some time together during his vacation time in May.
After he went back to work I again didn't hear much from my H until he sent me an email saying he had decided to go to Thailand with some co-workers during his May vacation rather than spend the time with me. Although I already had my suspicions he was involved with someone, this email raised my concerns even more. I went onto Facebook and saw that he and one particular co-worker kept appearing together (although never alone with each other) in a number of photos. I then saw she had been in London the same time as my H and, lo and behold, there she was in a picture with my H's friend.
I called my H and asked him if he had seen anyone else apart from his friend when he was in London. He said 'no'. I then asked him again and said I had seen a picture of his co-worker with his friend. I asked him if he was involved with anyone else--dead silence--then eventually he said there was someone he had been "spending a lot of time with". When I asked him if she would be going to Thailand with him, he said yet. He said he did not want to hurt me and should have had the courage to tell me to my face when he was here in April. I reiterated that I was still committed to our marriage and wanted to try to make things work. He said that, although he still loved me, he had been thinking about it for several months and, although he could never be certain, he did not think he wanted to try to work things out. He said our 12-year marriage had never been happy or healthy and that, he loved his new life, felt appreciated and happy, and hadn't realised how unhappy he had been in our marriage until he moved overseas.
During the conversation I asked him what he wanted from me--again all he said was that he wanted time and space. I told him that I would give him 3 months (until he is due to come back for his summer holidays) and that, if his time and space included seeing someone, perhaps I would start dating someone too. He asked me if he was still welcome to come back for his holidays and I said yes. When I asked him though what his plans for his summer holidays were he said he had no other plans than to come home at the moment but couldn't guarantee anything.
I feel that my H has completely checked-out from our marriage. I don't know if there is still an element of doubt about ending things, or if he definitely knows he wants out of our marriage and just doesn't want to hurt me (or have the courage to tell me). At this stage he is not willing to stop seeing the OW, to spend any time with me or to try working on our marriage.
The counsellors I have spoken to all keep telling me how it takes two to save a marriage that I need to prepare myself for my marriage ending. I do accept that ultimately we will both be committed to trying to make our marriage work, but part of me still wonders if there is anything else I can do on my own now.
I don't believe in divorce and, if there is anything else I can do to try to heal my marriage I'll do it. After all the months of total pain and heartbreak though I'm worried that I'm now simply holding onto false hope.
I'm thinking about doing a 180 and writing him a letter saying that, I still want our marriage to work but, if he isn't willing to end his affair and commit to trying to save our marriage I need to start focussing on rebuilding my life with or without him. I'm worried though that our relationship is so far gone this would have little impact.
I'm also partially tempted to actually get on a plane, fly out there and show the OW I'm not willing to sit back and quietly wait and watch. I feel that, having given my H time and space for the last 3 months it has only allowed the affair to grow and develop.
Any opinions or other options would be welcome. I'm feel I'm at the stage where the longer I wait to do something, the less chance I will have of reconciling with my H.
I've been on the TAM forum and everyone keeps telling me to just file for divorce and leave. I'm finding it difficult to maintain hope, particularly since H is due to go on holiday with the OW soon...
He is asking for SPACE, give it to him. Get out and GAL. DETACH. Believe none of what he say and half of what he does. Have NO EXPECTATIONS. Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Cadet-thanks for the advice about the size of my posts.
Received heartfelt email from H yesterday. He did not ask for divorce or separation but quite clearly said he thought our marriage was damaged beyond repair, was not willing to try to fix things and thinks we should agree to 'end this chapter of our relationship'.
Sent heartfelt reply back-reiterating commitment to him and marriage and my desire to reconcile. I also said, although it is not what I want, if he was not willing to try to reconcile, it is entirely his decision to end our marriage and I will need to focus on rebuilding my life without him. Said that, as he would be financially comfortable but I would struggle, it would only be fair if he signed the house over to me.
H sent terse reply back to my email, saying made my position abundantly clear, that he has been faithful in our marriage for nearly 13 years, and he now needed to a few months to consider his original position as well as my suggestions regarding the division of our assets in the possibility of our separation. He said he would come home in a few months to discuss everything including reconciliation and the right way forward for us both.
I feel his response reinforces his unwillingness to recommit to our marriage and I now believe that any possible way to reconciliation is closed.
Am going to meet with my solicitor next week to start paperwork to try to get H to sign over the house (and possibly start separation proceedings?)
As my H is overseas feel I am in a stronger position at the moment to move quickly in terms of any settlement and would be in a weaker position if I wait until he comes back in July.
Although I am pretty much resigned to it, the end of my marriage is still something I do not want...
Have added a few more posts last night but they are still not up. How long does it usually take for moderated posts to be added? My already in crisis marriage has deteriorated over the last 3 days. It is now at the point that I really don't see any alternative but to go to my solicitor and start separation proceedings...
I have the time between now and July to use. Am planning on going NC but how else can I use my time wisely?
Is there any hope/use in me trying to somehow end his affair, cause a crisis in his world?
Or, should I just stop all contact and take the next 2 months to try to protect myself financially as much as I can (it's an automatic 50/50 split where I live unless I can get him to agree otherwise--this would leave him with $100k in his pocket and $3000 month in disposable income while I really struggle to manage._
