Detached, but not Broken-a diary of a LRT

[Broken74]

So it would appear that my W is trying to push my buttons remotely... I had asked that she remit her car payments by the 20th, they are due on the 26th. I've already paid the car and insurance payment for the month, in addition to funding $400 into my oldest SS 529account I set up this month. I've received nothing from her thusfar to date as far as a car/insurance payment. I am 100% liable for this vehicle in every respect aside from her driving it (because her credit's wrecked I nice guyed up to try and make her Christmas)

She received the account notification for the 529k and sent it to me Monday with an email asking is that something I set up, I said yes and noted she is the admin on the account, and that I am doing that for them (stepchildren) not that I expect it to change anything between us. We haven't spoke or communicated beyond that since the 18th I think.

So, I'd be lying if I said I'm not start getting a little ticked. I had no expectations with the 529k contribution, and no surprise I didn't get so much as a thank you in that regard. Her not remitting the car payment in a timely manner however is really chapping my hide. So I'm thinking (not mindreading) the possibilities are:

1) She forgot it which is quite possible because she is just like that, that's why I used to handle all the bills.
2) She doesn't care and/or is trying to elicit a negative reaction from me.
3) She doesn't care and is going to milk me for what she can until she files (don't know if or when that will happen although is a legal possibility on 8/27).
4) She has hit her first significant financial stumbling block, and can't pay it, and is embarrassed to relay that fact to me.

I'm thinking the check will probably show up this weekend, but I won't know that because I'll be on a GAL trip in Virginia :-)

So my 180 for this episode is going to be ignore this for now and DO NOTHING. That's right folks, I'm not going to call, email, text or otherwise, because although it irks me given her behavior over the past 8 months it's no surprise. But the best thing is, I have better things to do with my time than to worry about her BS behavior at this point! And really in the grand scheme of things what's $400 when she's already %*#&ed me out of 30k. lol

And it only took me 8 months to get here!!! lol

For any newbies, please heed the advice of the vets here and don't go rogue like I did! I wish I would have found this site in August/Sept instead of January because I think I could have avoided a lot of nonsense if that would have happened. Only time will tell if it was too late when I found this valuable place and you kind people that make it as such.

It is nice to be enjoying life again, although I am not going too crazy. I will say the ladies most definitely appreciate the new threads my W suggested I pick up when we last hung out. The words that come to mind for me a lot frequently are "her loss".

Hope everyone has a spectacular weekend as I know I will. Good luck to all of you in your respective sitch's!

[Rick1963]

Broken your post is full of expectations. Read it again

[Broken74]

Thanks for your feedback Rick! I only put part of the story up in this post, but I think I literally have no expectations at this point, it would be utterly illogical for me to have any, because she is giving little to inclination to the fact I even exist at this point.

There was preexisting arrangement that she would be making the car and insurance payments on the 20th of each month, that has been in place since December, and she hasn't missed a beat until now. So I guess there are "business" expectations in that she committed to pay on time, but there are no personal/relationship expectations tied to this. When I bought the car did I think it may help, of course I certainly didn't think it would hurt. She always loved my "making her dreams come true" which is what I was trying to do. Obviously a big mistake that allowed her to cake eat I should have never done it.

I don't have any expectations tied to the 529k investments. I will never see those again and am doing that because I think it is the right thing to do for my stepchildren. Their biological fathers will never provide as such, and there's no guarantee that she'll find another man that will, so I'm doing that because they deserve a shot as well. They had no choice in who their mother chose to lay down with or throw away.

So the only expectation I have is that she pay the car payment like she gave her word she would do, if anything changes in our R in the future it will be by her choice, I am doing my thing and showing unconditional love in the only way I can think of given where we are at this point.

I have certainly proven myself to be dense in the past however, so if you see other expectations I have not mentioned can you spell them out for me? I am still very much learning here, if I would have listened earlier on I would probably be in a different situation entirely.

Thanks again Rick!

[Broken74]

So the W came correct with the car payment via snail mail over the weekend. She even sent the May payment which was surprising. I could see there was a note with the checks which made me nervous and excited at the same time. Obviously nothing to get nervous or excited about given I am dealing with a WAW likely in the midst of a MLC. Here's the note:

H,

I hope you are well. Enclosed is this month's payment and a post-dated check for next month's payment (so it's not delayed by my forgetfulness).

I am working on a plan to repair the bumper and sell the car. In the meantime I bought SS1 a very cheap car to show an installment loan on my credit in case the car doesn't sell and I have to attempt to secure a private loan again.

Hoping to have all of this taken care of and off your credit soon.

Thanks for your patience!

W

Even I can't muster something worth mind-reading out of this one. So obviously I am not responding in any way and will maintain my darkness with the exception of cashing the check.

Less than 4 months until the eligible D-filing day. I haven't seen her or my stepkids since Mid-February and I have no idea what or how any of them are doing for all practical purposes. I think I am starting to get the hint here... lol

A bit of a minefield in the month of May... 2 year anniversary of her surgery on the 6th and 2nd anniversary on the 21st. Have to mentally prepare to do nothing on these days lol.

Other than the fact that I still love my W and can't get her or my stepkids out of my head, life is great! GAL activities out the wazoo, very little free time, and I can't say I'm lonely. The problem is I'm not spending time with the woman I want to be with...

So time to hunker down for the 4th quarter... The only way she'll know I exist is when my 529k contributions hit my stepkids accounts. What a long hard road this is...

Good luck to all in your respective sitch's!

[heartbrokeinsd]

broken-
i have now read your entire thread..wow.. we have alot of similar ways of dealing with things the wrong way. lol.. i will try to learn from your mistakes.

thank you for the feedback today. i appreciate it

[Broken74]

You're welcome Heartbroke, yeah don't follow in my footsteps I've made significant blunders along the way.

Man I'm not sure why but I'm having significant struggles today. Haven't spoken with her almost 3 weeks our last communication was a brief email on the 23rd, and her sending the checks and letter that I got on Sunday. I honestly think seeing her handwriting got me spun up which is ridiculous, that or the fact that she was thinking about me for a brief moment even though only related to financial matters.

I really want to reach out to her but since that HASN"T WORKED for 8 months I'm going to stay the course, I have no other choice as my hourglass is running out.

I would like to elicit other opinions on the 529k investments for my stepchildren. Since it is for them, and not for her, this would not be considered a pursuing behavior right? I want to do it for them, and think that it shows a 180 for me since it is a way to show unconditional love for them, but I am wondering if that "tie" could prove negative since I am in effect still "doing something" that shows I am "still here". She hasn't mentioned anything about it at all, and I think it is the right thing to do from my heart, so unless anyone thinks that is a pursuing behavior I'm going to continue to do it.

Thanks in advance for any feedback and good luck to all in your respective sitch's!

[Broken74]

Hey DB'ers!

Can I get a little love on a poll please? I haven't spoke to my W in two weeks, and we've exchanged one email in that time, with my explaining the 529k's for my stepkids.

So the question I am begging opinion on is:

Is putting a monthly deposit in my Stepchildren's 529k accounts I set up pursuing behavior?

Since it doesn't directly benefit my W I don't think it is, and I very well respect Kaffe Diem's opinion that is a good thing to show unconditional love within the confines in which I have to work (my spending time with stepchildren is out of bounds at this point). I realize that money does not equal love obviously, but given my time and attention are worthless if not negative value at this point, this is the best idea I could come up with. I would really appreciate some additional opinions on this because it does kind of fall in a "gray area".

Thanks in advance for your opinions and good luck to all in your respective sitch's!

[Broken74]

Man tough crowd today lol ;-)

I'm going to go with this is not pursuing behavior since I am doing this for my stepkids...

Going to be a tough weekend, plenty of GAL activities planned but Sunday is a day of significance. Two years to the day that I went on a limb prior to our getting married to have her plastic surgery done to try and make her happy. She keeps talking about how she can't "risk" giving us another chance. I'm going to want to go on a tirade about how she has no idea what "risk" is, given that I built a 5 bedroom house so she could get full custody of her kids and went out on a limb for her surgery PRIOR to our getting married. It's all good and I've fully forgiven her for the wreckage I got left with though... Hopefully in time I'll be able to forget. I'm finally DB'ing so I'm certainly not going to be stupid on this day that she probably won't even think about, but it will still be a hard day for me...

I haven't spoke to her in two weeks, aside from one email exchange. For those who went through the "no communication" period with your spouse, how long does this usually last? I won't be the one that breaks the radio silence this time...

Enjoy your GAL weekend and good luck to all in your respective sitch's!

[heartbrokeinsd]

good luck today broken. its gotta be tough. i hope your weekend is good!

[ben11]

Is putting a monthly deposit in my Stepchildren's 529k accounts I set up pursuing behavior?

Just ask yourself why you're REALLY doing it. If it truly is for the kids, then do it. But just never, ever bring it up. Ever.

Good luck with radio silence too. Hang on as long as you can!