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#2244528 - 05/11/12 04:34 PM Re: (NA) Re: I'm a WAW who wants back [Re: Brit45]
scaredsilly Offline
Member

Registered: 01/12/12
Posts: 1219
i get that from my H, too. it's like they can put us back in their pocket again after they get a long reply from us..."ok, she's still mine, i can go on with my life and get back to her later."
_________________________
M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing


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#2244561 - 05/11/12 06:55 PM Re: (NA) Re: I'm a WAW who wants back [Re: Brit45]
Underdog Offline
Member

Registered: 04/08/03
Posts: 6151
Loc: Denver
Hey Brit,

Quote:
In other news you'd think he's signed up for a boy scout badge first he volunteers to do all this medical running around for me and tonight he volunteered to drive 100 miles round trip to pick up a piece of furniture if I win it on ebay.


Sounds like his love language is acts of service... but on the receiving end of it, is he a words of affirmation person? In other words, does he totally eat it up if you gush over this and thank him?

I personally think if you can stick to your guns about being slow and steady to win the race that you might have a really great chance of having another go at it. You really do remind me a lot of Nickel, but you got this sooner than she did. It took her a little while to leave him to his own devices and get a complete life of her own without him. Once she did that, boy.... was he attracted to her. It was like watching a bee chase the honey. And all the while, she was supporting him when they talked. Their talks gradually got deeper and deeper... and his GF really, REALLY didn't like it. He eventually saw that GF was becoming really high maintenance and somewhat paranoid (um, justifiably).

Anyway, you're doing a good job sticking to the program. Keep it up.

Quote:
I can honestly say that I feel like a massive shift has happened. Even in my R conversation with him, it was totally different. Discussing his time with GF totally different. I feel so much more emotionally stable dealing with him. I'm not thinking that I want to act a certain way or say a certain thing because it might make him think of R or find me attractive or whatever. Just being me. Letting him be him. Accepting this new relationship we have.


I also just want to say not to underestimate the power of this. It's incredible... and attractive in a person, friend and potential love interest. It's behavior that says, "Your feelings are important to me." Sexy... grin

smile Betsey
_________________________
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein

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#2244562 - 05/11/12 06:56 PM Re: (NA) Re: I'm a WAW who wants back [Re: Brit45]
RoughSeas Offline
New Member

Registered: 01/03/12
Posts: 19
Originally Posted By: Brit45
thank you verab754! I ordered DR and still haven't read it so happy to know I'm already a step ahead!

I saw RoughSeas post in my thread and it made me want to comment about something.

Quote:
She seems to have thought she could have the best of both worlds... continue to rely on me selectively for her emotional needs, lean on me financially and as "co-parent" while she goes out and seeks my 'replacement'.


Some people have said that my thread is unique because some H's who were LBS's will want to get inside my head as a WAW. I just wanted to say that I never thought I could have "the best of both worlds" It seems like a lot of the anger that LBS's have at the fact their relationship ends doesn't include in them looking at it from the other's prespective. And although WAW don't look at it really from your's either the difference is they aren't looking at you at all. They are focusing so hard on NOT looking at you or the relationship, drawing a line on it, shutting a door, moving forward because if they stop for a second to look the guilt and sadness might make them change their mind. And it was really tough to get to the point to say those words.

So yes we GAL super quick and then possibly look at things a little bit later.

However I don't think (I can't speak for everyone) that anyone maliciously thinks I'm going to have the time of my life and use him to do it!!


I wasn't referring to your situation specifically, or that of WASs generally, but my own particular story. My reality is that my WAW spent a lot of money on psychic counselling (i.e., chat lines) asking about how she could arrange her finances, her own work permit, etc. while having 'flings' in a way I wouldn't find out about, so when the time came she could just jump to her new life instantly. She was going to spring everything on me at once (and planned to take my son with her).

She was conspiring to consciously take advantage of me and my hope that things could be turned around between us. (I was in personal counselling at this point and speaking with a DB coach to see what I could do to make our marriage work better. She knew this and was stringing me along while she plotted her exit).

I know it's adolescent fantasy on her part... part of an illness. Still hurts, though. Finding out undermined the trust even more.

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#2244568 - 05/11/12 07:19 PM Re: (NA) Re: I'm a WAW who wants back [Re: Underdog]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
Hi Betsy!

I have been reading Nickel's thread like a book I can't put down, like a daily devotional!
Boy do I think her H and my H may be brothers! He is exactly the type that can't be alone. Whereas I had always dated around he's had a series of very long relationships before meeting me. (of course that only adds to my paranoia that he'll stay with this girl for ages)
Anyway there's been times when I've gasped out loud at things she's posted or advice that's been given to her! I honestly believe having her journey well documented here has sped up my learning curve.

On the receiving end I think he too likes acts of service being done for him and physical touch. He told me he almost cried once eating his lunch because I'd made him a sandwich with love. I thought that was weird instead of making him more. I did gush overboard yesterday about the medication thing because I've been so poorly and it was so nice to have someone step in and take care of me. I go back and forth between wanting to tell him how appreciative I am and not wanting to spook the rabbit.

If I win the auction and he makes the trip I plan on making him a packed lunch with stuff that only I know how to make!

Can't tell you how much your words of encouragement mean! Thank you!

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#2244576 - 05/11/12 08:07 PM Re: (NA) Re: I'm a WAW who wants back [Re: Brit45]
Underdog Offline
Member

Registered: 04/08/03
Posts: 6151
Loc: Denver
Brit,

Quote:
Can't tell you how much your words of encouragement mean! Thank you!


Aw... shucks... I'm so glad! It's not often around here that I can praise people for getting this. So thanks for being the person who gets the affirmation! It's a hard road, and if everyone caught on like you, I wonder what the success rate would be? We're human, and we get caught up in the trap of playing the victim, and it's a very harmful trap in the long run. Soooooo, good job!

I'm still laughing at the daily devotional thing. She'd laugh too. I haven't talked to her in awhile so that I could tell her that she has helped someone else. But I will, and I know she'll be happy about it.

Quote:
I go back and forth between wanting to tell him how appreciative I am and not wanting to spook the rabbit.


Glad you know this is a fine tightrope you walk. Trust your gut and don't press your agenda and you'll be fine.

Take care--

smile Betsey

p.s. I'll gush over you too if you make me a sandwich!
_________________________
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein

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#2244608 - 05/11/12 11:13 PM Re: (NA) Re: I'm a WAW who wants back [Re: Underdog]
Broken74 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/19/12
Posts: 288
Hi Brit45,

I am sure most men on this board would agree with the statement that I wish you were my wife... ;-)

There are some differences but also some similarities in our sitch's. The reasons that my wife walked away were different, but the paths we have went down are the same. She is now slowly showing signs of turning the ship around I think. At the same time I have another woman has taken interest to me that I chose not to avoid, so If my W does turn back I am going to be in the same boat as your husband.

For what it's worth after reading your sitch, I think there is good hope for your H to open back up. It could be a tit for tat thing going on. As much as I enjoy this other woman's company, although I will tread EXTREMELY lightly if it happens, if and when my wife shows interest I will see what she has to say. From what I read I have a feeling your husband will do the same.

What Greenblue90 said really rings true with me in that we all should learn through this that relationships are easily replaceable. I didn't think that was true but I know it is now. It is a matter of coming to the conclusion if a relationship period, and if so which one, will make us the happiest in life.

I would like to ask you a personal favor, I would really appreciate your viewpoint/feedback as a WAW on my sitch if you have a moment to look at my current thread. It isn't that long as I summarized our history in a one pager in my latest post.

Thanks for being here, your perspective is invaluable to the guys on here I know, it especially is to me. It also gives me hope that despite the nonsense of this all there is always hope.

Keep your chin up and good luck!!!
_________________________
me 38
W 30
T 3
M in 05/2010
Separated 08/2011
Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8
I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5
Anxiously waiting on the judge!

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#2244616 - 05/12/12 12:04 AM Re: (NA) Re: I'm a WAW who wants back [Re: Broken74]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
Hey Bets! I feel like I know you (and your kids) after reading that thread. Ps me and my son are big Napoleon fans! Me and H almost naked the dog Lafawnda!
It really is a daily devotional. Sometimes I read on my phone and I took a screen shot if something she said. I'm paraphrasing but it was that the decided this was the role she was meant to play in H's life. And he in hers. The past 9 years weren't a mistake or a failure. They needed to know each other and D in order to keep going. So no more guilt or blame.
I've reread that several times


In our culture divorce is seen as failure. They even say in papers "after 3 failed marriages" well no one calls Sex and the City a crap show because it's over. The people involved decided they needed to do other things to continue to grow in their careers. I don't know where I was going with this just defence of my R even though at the moment there isn't one. Haha

Broken I have read and commented. I hope it isn't too much tough love. I took GB's comment about replaceable meaning that you won't take them for granted and you learn you need to work on things.

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#2244644 - 05/12/12 02:40 AM Re: (NA) Re: I'm a WAW who wants back [Re: Brit45]
needgrace Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 1344
I really like that perspective, Brit, the part about the M not being a failure or a mistake. It is true, everything we go through makes us who we are today. Thank you for sharing that. ((( )))
_________________________
Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13

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#2244675 - 05/12/12 10:07 AM Re: (NA) Re: I'm a WAW who wants back [Re: needgrace]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
Hi NG! How are you?!? I need to go lurk on your thread in a minute. H once told me after we split pre GF that I had made him a better person and he will always be grateful that we were together because he is infinitely more interesting and more involved politically and socially than he was before he met me. He said he would always have me to thank for that. So I made my own list post GF of all the things I loved about him and all the things I was thankful for about the relationship.
Side note: what was strange is so many of the things I loved where things that drove a wedge between us. IE He is always there for his friends...I complained about him doing things for others rather than hanging out with me.

My IC once said to think about two people in a R as two trains and sometimes the tracks run parallel and then break off to continue in different directions. Not everything is meant to be forever but that doesn't meant that it's less meaningful.

Random thoughts:

I read something that said if you're worried about something it means it hasn't happened. If it happens you'll deal with it then, but if you're worried that means it isn't happening right now. Just be happy about what's happening right now.
So when I start to worry that he'll stay with this girl forever, marry her, have babies I remember if I'm worried that means it hasn't happened.

We talk a lot about pursuing/chasing on the board. I read some advice that explained it really clearly. If you think about when you go into a shop and an assistant comes up to you and won't leave you alone and keeps trying to talk up a model of television or something..how do you feel? No one wants to be SOLD they want to feel like they CHOSE and bought. Now if that sales person comes up to you and says "wow you picked one of the best models, you must have noticed the great picture..not many people pick up on that" It changes the whole dynamic. It sounds like manipulation but really it's not. It's the opposite. Because they're choosing. You can hope they choose you, but can't push. Support their choices, don't push. That's what I'm trying to do.

My horoscope said my mantra today was Be consistent in thought and action. My thought and action is Patience and Space.

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#2244676 - 05/12/12 10:07 AM Re: (NA) Re: I'm a WAW who wants back [Re: Brit45]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
whoops I was typing on my phone last night I obviously meant NAMED my dog not NAKED my dog. haha

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