My parents were alcoholics (my dad's recovered, my mother still is) so I understand how one can feel confused and uncertain about the love they are getting...
If you have not, please find resources for ACOA (adult children of alcoholics). You may find it valuable.
You believe your LL is quality time and words of affirmation (which I believe mine are, as well). Curious then, that your "giving" LL is gifts.
Basically, in that type of situation, one would consider that you give gifts to show love, because you learned at some point that someone you wanted love from likes gifts. So in order to have your needs met, you met theirs.
It is OK to do this. But the reality is, if a person's LL is words of affirmation... in general, they will provide words of affirmation to those they respect and love...
I think I give gifts because my mother's LL is gifts. I believe I give quality time because my dad's LL is quality time. My mom was a huge gift giver but was emotionally unavailable. My dad was always busy doing OTHER things... see my pattern?
What I REALLY want is for someone to tell me that they are sorry. To tell me that I am important to them. To let me know they respect me...
But I love spending time with my friends... and I love getting gifts...
I believe that my W's LL is gifts. So when she was opting out of the M, she stopped accepting gifts from me, letting me know that it felt uncomfortable for her to get gifts from me. I also believe that my W's secondary (or they're flipped) is acts of service. So again, she does not want me to do "things" for her.
But...
She continues to do things for me... and she continues to send gifts to me... done in very covert, vague ways... and then when I tell her that I don't want gifts from her or accept services (ie. flexibility in kid's schedule), she explodes... ie. She has asked for flexible schedule... but then tells me that I can't adjust the schedule by an hour (a favour I would be asking for, so an act of service she does not want to give), stating that the pick up times are set and should be adhered to. Then, two days later, she is asking for a favour on next week's schedule. (what works for her and serves her needs)... when I point out the discrepancy, she blows a nut and demands rigidity in the schedule. BTW: My W might be MLC, so her behaviour would be slightly "exaggerated" compared to a WAS.
Be the person you want to be. No need to tell anyone (well, definitely share with us here), just do it.
And... support your H to be the person he wants to be. Which is why it was great that you called him on his "re-lapse" (even though we know you were testing...)
And... this just might lead to a renewed appreciation of the two of you, for each other... and...
And... support your H to be the person he wants to be. Which is why it was great that you called him on his "re-lapse" (even though we know you were testing...)
And... this just might lead to a renewed appreciation of the two of you, for each other... and...
who knows what might happen...
I am stepping back and monitoring unconscious types of pursuit. Like I had mentioned earlier the asking for reassurance asking for favors etc.
I talked to my best friend tonight. She actually laughed until she almost cried when I said honestly what you say if I told you that my new BF 2 months was running errands for the woman that left him 6 months ago. And they're still really good friends. She was like uh no. I would be like no. that's really weird. She said I've been thinking about it from your end, I don't want you get lead on or get hurt. But gosh this girl must be going crazy wondering if that's going on.
She said something really insightful that made me feel great. She said in a way you have nothing to lose because you don't have him to lose. It's over. You're not trying to hold on to him. If anything you're doing everything to maintain less of an emotional relationship. The only thing to lose is the friendship and I don't think that will happen between you too.
I think about where I was LAST Monday compared to today and it's a complete 180. I feel confident and in control. I'm not worried about the future. Whatever happens happens. I'm getting comfortable with the relationship we have right now and attempting to navigate that.
oh I am getting LL this week so I will do some more work into that. It's very interesting though...I wonder who in my life was blown away by my gift...or gave me great gifts.
Right now I'm half way through How to improve your marriage without talking about it. Where was this book 3 years ago???
lol... don't hurt yourself trying to figure out who you (so extremely desired to receive love from and) felt love from when you gave them gifts...
Because it's also possible that your real LL is gifts... but you THINK your LL is words of affirmation or quality time, because that's what your dad or someone gave you and you felt loved by them...
Dig deep... go through the five and really know what makes you feel special when you GET... AND what really makes you feel special when you DO for others... THAT is more likely your LL...
I have a few exGFs who at some points in my life, I would have considered re-engaging with them in a more intimate way... most of those, not so much anymore... although I certainly appreciate their company and friendship...
Just because you have accepted what is as what is, does not mean that you can't be open to possibilities...
Just live your life in the most authentic way you can...
He texted me tonight about something I mentioned to him earlier. I turned down his offer of help. (something unrelated to eBay-gate) I just said no worries I'll buy one tomorrow. No reply.
