I was the mother of controlling behavior. Sad thing was, I didn't realize I tried to control my family. Talk about having lessons to learn about life!
I don't want a divorce for you (just so we're clear). But I do hope you will learn that you can survive, even if it comes to that. Crimson, I've had to face a lot of things in life that I had no control over, and that prayer is the best way to deal with it. Don't be a slave to fear of what may happen.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you, Sandi. I have been deeply appreciative of the help you have given me over the months.
Do you think I did the right thing in supporting her trip to see her family with S even though it extends beyond parameters established by the court? I was so difficult to type what I did when all I wanted to do was say "no!". It has really been the focal point of a lot of angst today. I feel it was the right thing to do, but at the same time I don't want to become a doormat.
Remember how one-sided I made the holidays for all of those years? Always with MY family? I am trying to make ammends to some degree and show her that I value her relationship with her family as well - hope that is a 180.
As noted earlier, I think that as long as we have mutually agreed to work on the relationship, my capacity to be flexible and give selflessly is pretty big. If, in her mind, she is 100% done I would most likely just play by the book that the court has given us. However, she has said that she is open to working on the relationship.....as noted, I am just wondering what that means or looks like to her or any other WAW for that matter.
I mean, does she call? Do I call her? Do we go do things together without our S? How will I know she is working on things? You can see even the slightest misinterpretation causes her to recoil (the incident yesterday about going up north).
How does a WAW "work on the relationship" especially after the D? What should I expect? Or should I expect nothing?
"I am very supportive of this. It’s important for the family. We have court orders that dictate travel/maximum days away – but to be honest, I do not care about them. Do what you think is right for you, S and your family – and I will support it."
i hope you can hear the silent applause from deep within yourself for replying in this way. it is efforts like these, even though we are struggling deeply, that will carry us through on the higher road.
no matter what happens down the line, when you do things like this now, you will always carry with you the knowledge that you did more than your best, no matter how much the cost to you. you will never look back at this time and think, oh i wish i had done that different.
and your wife's reply - [censored], it brought tears to my eyes - but then, i'm awful sensitive these days myself:)
maybe I am just exhausted from effort and not seeing the big picture of all that I have accomplished over time. But today, I feel as if I am all give and no get when it comes to my situation.
yes - we're all exhausted- aren't we? but take a deep breathe, center yourself and keep looking towards what you want , which is your family back together and remember that these are just the details, and that right now, only you can carry it as she is too lost to do so (my IC's words to me today).
as for sorry not covering it - well, that is true and how much are we willing to forgive, while we are saying that we still want to get back together.
look back to where this started and see the progress and feel encouraged by that - could you have imagine your spouse even hinting that she wanted things to go better?
it ain't ended until it's ended..
the other thing that i've been thinking about ALOT is seeing my own pattern here - the more i do my 180's and try so hard to "save this marriage" i find that the expectations are what always make me go under and feel like i'm drowning. i'm telling myself now: be clear why you are taking the higher road - it has to be for yourself and not for the WAS - it has to be so that i'll always have these changes, and if i look to h for any sort of validation, then i am not doing it for the right reasons.
and i find myself tripping up time and again, especially after a day when something good happens - he always withdraws and then i feel crushed and realize, oops once again, i expected something.
this is tremendously challenging - every second of it - but aren't we the warriors who have made it through this far?
hope you are feeling better this evening and less pressured - i think sometimes we try too hard and need to give ourselves a break (it's as if we judge ourselves on how we are doing by how the sitch is progressing) and just let things be
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Thank you for the positive post, zig. It's remains fairly difficult to tell if I have done the right thing or not, but I do not regret sending that message to my wife and would do it again - despite the fact that it was a rough message to create.
It must be something in the air becuase I have been feeling much like you working my azz of on the 180's, supporting the family and relating better to the W with no give on her side. But then I tell myself that the best things in life are worth fighting for and I have never walked away from a challenge before in my life. Why should this be different? There is a chance she could move or proceed with a D, but in the end I took the high road.
Sometimes I think though that this high road is a lonely spot to be in. I would rather be here than how others have dealt with marital problems. Hang in there.
Just wanted to drop in and say good job man. I think what you did going above and beyond out of thoughtfulness for your wife's desires will yield you benefits down the road. I know her response must've made your day. Your taking the high road will give you peace regardless of the outcome of your sitch. You are fortunate that you are in communication with you W, I wish I had that opportunity.
I've tried a similar approach with my W, not doing something directly for her but in investing in 529k's I set up for my 3 stepkids. I have no expectations in doing this and will continue at least to the point if/when she files. I haven't got a thank you, but when I look back on this in the future I can honestly tell myself I left it all on the floor, as you are doing. 8 months in and I think I am finally adhering to the DB principles (as long as this act isn't pursuing behavior which I don't think it is, since the benefit is direct to my stepkids not to her).
Good job and good luck, don't be lonely on the high road I am trying to be right there with you. :-)
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
Thanks, SIW. Feeling a little better today. I am starting to believe that I am going to feel better once this D is said and done. Having it dangling overhead like this is just brutal. Maybe when it is all over I will be able to get on with the business of my life - whatever that might be. The lead up and anticipation of events is the worst.
It's hard to do with my son in the middle, but I am really thinking about pulling back even more if possible. It's just that those 5 days runs when he is without me that are hard. I always end up texting w to see if he is OK, what he is up to. Missing him is the worst. Likewise, when I have him she texts all the time asking about him. Hard to break away like that. Plus, sometimes I am just happy to hear from her even if she is only asking about the baby. Sad, but true.
Trying to focus on detatching more - for sure not my strong point - that is well documented on these boards.
I am trying to shift my focus on what to do after the D. How to manage the sadness I am going to have, the guilt I have relating to my part of everything, and frankly - the loneliness. I am really, really going to have to work hard at putting myself out there more to keep my mind busy and meet new people. I am kind of a naturally shy person in new settings so I tend to avoid them. Gotta get over that.
Thank you, B74. You have no idea how much I appreciate and need the positive feedback and encouragement (then again, you probably do). As the clock winds down for me, it is getting more difficult. I hope that taking the high road does, in fact, bring me peace at some point. Right now, it's just hard as hell to do and gut-wrenching because there is no immediate benefit other than knowing you are doing the right thing.
Regarding your W not communicating with you, give it time - I was in that position for awhile, too. I hope you make it through that phase.
I hope for nothing but the best for you, keep your chin up and keep DBing as best you can.
