Antlers: NOW are you going to step up to the plate and take some serious action? Someone needs to be the parent here and so far neither of you are doing it. You need to pull yourself out of "victim" mode and put on your daddy pants. It is about time.
Sorry that my posts to you seem harsh but you withdraw rather than DO anything. Your kids are getting worse by the day. I think we warned you that would happen.
But ex has just given you the opportunity to take over and fix things.
Wow! I guess things have gotten considerably worse since we last heard about what was going on in your life. So what is your plan?
If your ex is bailing on the kids, then it would seem like it is time for you to assert parental control. Do you need to go to the courts for that to make it official? If so and even if the kids don't want it or like it, that is probably the smart thing to do.
Once you get custody of the kids then you will obviously have your work cut out for you in terms of getting them under control and behaving like responsible people. I don't envy you, it ain't going to be easy!!!
There is a program called "thetotaltransformation" that is an excellent tool for working with and correcting defiant behavior in children and teens. The program cost a few hundred bucks but may possibly be picked up off of ebay for less. It is a series of CD's that provide step by step ideas and solutions for addressing the kinds of behavioral problems you are dealing with with the kids.
Most importantly, and I'm sure you know this, the children need your love and discipline; someone who gives a sh!t. It doesn't seem that your ex. is capable of providing that so you get the prize.
Take a look at www . thetotaltransformation . com it may be just want you need at this time.
Good luck, Antlers!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
My son told me that smoking pot "makes me not think about yours and moms divorce...and what happened to our family." I told his mother that "he said it calms him and makes him feel better about stuff...even if only for a little while."
Her response was "It's a cop out. He needs to learn how to deal with problems."
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Kids are asking for guidance when they act out. Right now, no one is laying down the law for them so they are all over the place. Time to step and be Dad. Your ex isn't going to do anything. Get in there before something tragic happens.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
She had asked my why I thought he was smoking pot....something he started doing regularly since he went to stay with his mom back in January....I was answering her question. And her response was for this 14 year old emotionally troubled boy was "it's a copout. He needs to learn to deal with problems." Yeah...like she is! Throwing her hands up in the air and saying 'I quit, I'm outa here' regarding the kids!
There is a tremendous amount of stuff going on in all of our lives. She reached out to me in the middle of March, because she was having so much trouble with both kids, and wanted to cooperate and work together regarding the kids. I said OK. Lots of open communication between she and I regarding the kids. Both kids ran away from her house at different times and stayed gone for 3 to 5 nights each, other times they just wouldn't come home, drug use by both kids, both kids have been arrested separately while they were living with her, son is kicked out of school for the rest of the year starting last March, just to name a little of the kind of stuff that's been going on.
She let them run buck wild in order to keep them with her and then it got so bad that she decided to quit and leave...AFTER the kids had been damaged tremendously by her decisions.
We've talked for hours on the phone during this time. Not once have I criticized her, or used anything against her. No "I told you so's" or anything like that at all from me. I was simply glad that finally she was willing to coparent. She would still lash out at me with venom occasionally...in those cases it was always one sided...I never returned what she was fishing out. I was concerned for the kids and always returned to that.
I see tremendous amounts of torn families and out of control kids daily in my work. I've also been exposed to many of my kids friends and they are always from torn families...fragmented...and these kids are as lost as mine are.
If one or both kids choose to go to Texas with their mom...I'll have zero opportunity to influence their lives at all. I want to influence their lives in a positive way. They are completely messed up, no doubt. But I believe I can, over time, be a model of redemption, perseverance, and forgiveness to them. I am committed to it.
Telling them 'how the cow eats the cabbage', or having a 'my way or the highway' attitude toward them, cracking whips and being stern, etc., at this point, will only drive them away. Then my opportunity is lost. If they see me as controlling and manipulative and overbearing...they are gone!
I'm doing the best I can under very difficult circumstances...and I'm now trying to do it differently (better) than I ever have. I don't expect you to understand...and there is no way, based on the very limited info. on my thread (compared to actual real life events) that you could understand the complexity of this situation. There's also a lot of pain involved.
Anyway, for you to make the rash statements that you have, ONLY knowing a fraction of the circumstances is, in my opinion...waaaay out of line. I come here to vent, get support, and glean what beneficial stuff from it that I can.....not to be ridiculed to this degree and be told that what I'm doing is a form if child abuse! I wish to God that I knew at least a small amount of what you profess to know about my situation. I'd be able to fix things right up.
That said...I do have my hands very full. The kids are completely 'lost' at this point, I still have to be ready to meet the needs of a very demanding job in the Emergency Room, what the kids are going to do is still up in the air regarding where they'll go when their mom leaves the state, I've still got Court and legal stuff to look forward to regarding my sons arrest, school for him in the future is a huge obstacle that'll have to be dealt with...and literally tons of other stuff. I've still got emotional baggage myself that I'm dealing with...and I still love the mother of my kids.
I can do it. I know it won't be easy, but I'm committed to helping my kids overcome the many bad occurrences and things in their lives. And I'm gonna continue to work on me.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Antlers sorry about this. your ExW's behavior is very common. The Christmas parent lets the kids run while because of guilt. The kids take advantage of this because they are angry. So they act out. I would ask their school counselors to intervene and maybe guide you. I don't know if your Ex can just paxk and move out of state while the kids are still under age?
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Antlers: It is not about what we know of your situation - if we don't know enough - it is because you were not willing to share that info. No one can help you without the whole story BUT...
What we DO know is that your children need guidance and intervention. YOU should know this from your career and also from your heart. Some of us are in careers where we have to report such incidents. You continue to act from a "victim" mode, not from that of a concerned parent. To continue to NOT do the right thing, to step in and take control or even to waste your time trying to communicate with the other parent who clearly DOES NOT GET IT is acting in a neglectful manner. If you don't think it is abusive - then let's call it neglect. But what difference is the word - the tragedy is similar.
Months have gone by since you first made us aware of your children collapsing yet you continued to write about your own feelings and how you "forgive your ex" while not dealing with the big problem. It's like adding fire doors to your house when it is already burning to the ground.
Do you want your kids kicked out of school permanently? Arrested? Killed in a car accident? Overdosed? On welfare?
Do you EVER watch Dr Phil??? There are programs to reach out to these kids. You MUST know that from your work. If not - you need to go to the school and forget about getting your ex online with you. Clearly the kids best interests are not what her concern is.
I wonder why I waste my time worrying here when you don't
