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#2238833 - 04/18/12 02:08 PM Re: Room for Improvement [Re: cat04]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8877
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Quote:
Our reactions are what we need to watch more than anything. It is ok for us to be frustrated with them and ourselves and situations, but it isn't ok to act out in ugly ways. Even if we can apologize for it later the damage has been done.


I know this and I knew I shouldn't have been pursuing the conversation at that time, on that day.

We had good interactions yesterday.

But here is the crux of the matter, the ugly bits that are hard to admit, he is very like his father in the way he shuts down when he doesn't want to discuss something. In those times I am reacting to my H, not responding to my son.

I recognized this soon after H left and started working on changing my reactions and reframing. I let my selfishness get in the way on Sunday.

Quote:
Anyway, notice your patterns, notice how you feel when you are taking care of yourself versus when you aren't...

I am willing to bet there is a difference...


You know me so well. smile

Yes, this is a big part of why I am where I am.

I am worth taking care of.

Sometimes I forget that.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2238847 - 04/18/12 02:53 PM Re: Room for Improvement [Re: labug]
needgrace Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 1345
Great insight. Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly. It helps the rest of us grow too. You are worth taking care of smile
_________________________
Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13

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#2238853 - 04/18/12 03:19 PM Re: Room for Improvement [Re: cat04]
RoRoinMD Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/12
Posts: 871
La Bug - I suck at self care. Even with a year of counseling under my belt, everyone and everything still comes before me. And when I do focus on me, why do I feel guilty?

I haven't known you long, but I can tell you have gained a lot of wisdom and did some really hard work to get to where you are. Enjoy some time off and focus on you. You deserve it!

Then you can tell me how to do it! :-)
_________________________
Me:34
H:38
SS:19 - lives in NC with his mom
M:3
Bomb #1: 1/3/12 - We're not compatible. I want out.
Bomb #2: 1/12/12 - Found out about EA/PA
H moves out 10/2/12

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#2239297 - 04/19/12 09:01 PM Re: Room for Improvement [Re: labug]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/27/11
Posts: 243
Originally Posted By: labug
But here is the crux of the matter, the ugly bits that are hard to admit, he is very like his father in the way he shuts down when he doesn't want to discuss something. In those times I am reacting to my H, not responding to my son.


I'm reading a book called "How to improve your marriage without talking about it". I bought it because my W and I were doing an awful lot of not speaking and I wanted to know how to use that time.

Like a lot of marriage books, it works a lot better before your spouse tells you they want a divorce.

The core of the book is the concept that men are sensitive to shame and women are sensitive to fear. If what you're talking about causes your husband(or son) to feel shame, he will shut down and stonewall you, and then you'll feel more anxious and escalate.

I've only read half of it, so I don't know what sort of great advice is in there. It's actually really hard reading over obvious patterns that my W and I have gone though, knowing now that they clearly paved the way to divorce.

It sounds to me, based on some of your posts that I've read, that you might be a little aggressive in going after your husband and son, and that you might benefit from reading something about the shame/fear concept. "How to improve your marriage" seems like a good book for understanding this pattern, even if you don't get to improve your marriage.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

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#2239315 - 04/19/12 10:29 PM Re: Room for Improvement [Re: AlwaysTrying]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8877
Loc: Sonoran Desert
AT, thanks for the input!

Quote:
It sounds to me, based on some of your posts that I've read, that you might be a little aggressive in going after your husband and son, and that you might benefit from reading something about the shame/fear concept.


You should have known me before! smirk Yes, I have been that.

I actually have that book, read it and plan to read it again. It certainly opened my eyes to a lot of my behaviors.

Guess I need a tune up.

I really appreciate fresh eyes and perspectives.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2239318 - 04/19/12 10:38 PM Re: Room for Improvement [Re: AlwaysTrying]
YankeeCandle Offline
Member

Registered: 02/26/12
Posts: 335
Originally Posted By: AlwaysTrying


I'm reading a book called "How to improve your marriage without talking about it".
The core of the book is the concept that men are sensitive to shame and women are sensitive to fear. If what you're talking about causes your husband(or son) to feel shame, he will shut down and stonewall you, and then you'll feel more anxious and escalate.


Hi AT,

That's very interesting that you mention this because when all this started with my H, I had this dream about my H feeling a lot of shame.

I didn't understand that, and I still don't.

What - for men - would that mean? Any examples?

I guess I should really read the book, but I have bought so many books lately I am sick of buying books on this subject. Even my bank manager was like, "There is a lot of Amazon purchases here." Embarrassing!

So thanks, in advance, for explaining that.

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#2239321 - 04/19/12 10:48 PM Re: Room for Improvement [Re: YankeeCandle]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8877
Loc: Sonoran Desert
YC, google the title or steven stosny patricia love
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2239323 - 04/19/12 10:58 PM Re: Room for Improvement [Re: labug]
YankeeCandle Offline
Member

Registered: 02/26/12
Posts: 335
Thanks labug. Looks like the same-fear dynamic is rife in what is left of my R!! Guess I should buy the book.

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#2239324 - 04/19/12 10:58 PM Re: Room for Improvement [Re: YankeeCandle]
YankeeCandle Offline
Member

Registered: 02/26/12
Posts: 335
shame-fear

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#2239333 - 04/19/12 11:41 PM Re: Room for Improvement [Re: YankeeCandle]
fightingforit Offline
Member

Registered: 03/24/12
Posts: 96
Yankee-I am an amazon junkie as well- my friend was just teasing me about being able to open a library soon!
_________________________
M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets

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