Unlearning, Learning, Doing it Differently

[DGG]

Hi- I read your post and really liked what you said on resistance and that energy. I have been working hard for a year and half to save my marriage. When my husband had major issues with intimacy and closeness. I want to save it- but i think my pushing and the energy I emitted wasn't such a help. I need to refocus- but all I can think about is a divorce:(

[labug]

Every time you start to think about it turn your thoughts to something to for which you can be grateful.

I'll bet she thinks she worked just as hard as you did. As 25 says "Lost the balance sheet!"

[OneLessWife]

Crimson, I went through the same type of thing with my W. Sometime before our divorce was final she made statements as to me always being in control of things. One day she told me that we could never get back together or even talk about it until she was completely out from under me, even changing her name (which she did), I never really understood those comments. Even now she looks and makes comments about how good I look and all the changes I have made. Now there is absolutely no talk about reconciling or any thing like that mind you. But I have wondered about this topic after two years on these boards and reading the same thing over and over. It is like they all drink the WAS Koolaid or something. Stay strong my friend be true to the new you. I have not waiver one bit in the new me and it feels great. Even a couple of weeks ago my Ex told me how miserable she was although I felt for her inside, I just told her that it will be ok she was having a bad day.

Scott

[Crimson]

I know I am all over the place today, folks - so please forgive me. My head is sprinting a mile a minute.

What I am really struggling to grasp is how she can look at me and say:

"You set the bar pretty high. There aren't a lot of good guys like you out there"

"You're such a great father"

"I bet there are a million women out there that would date you"

"You are lucky to be so handsome"

And yet, be OK with going all the way through to divorce. If there was someone that possessed all of those traits AND you shared a child with them AND you both want another child - why would you be OK just tossing it all away? Maybe in her mind she isn't....I don't know. She seems to want to work on the reltaionship - but I don't know why she feels that has to be done while DIVORCED and not just separated. What is it about the actual divorce itself that is so necessary for her?

I feel like I get a lot of mixed signals. And I am struggling with how to proceed. I don't want to pull back because I feel as if that would be poorly received and the wrong thing to do - yet at the same time my mind is getting weary acting "as if" all of the time. I KNOW it's the right thing to do - there have been no fights, no arguments, no poor exchanges...we have been getting along. She just seems dead set on terminating the marriage.

Thought?

Crimson

[2thepoint]

She is testing you! She is looking for a crack in the veneer you seem to have developed since she dropped the bomb and fled for divorce. She still doesn't trust your changes which is why she makes comments about proceeding with the D.

Something struck me about one of your prior posts where you talked about her stopping by with her friends out in the car and then later telling you that she knows how to pick good friends. You didn't say it but her comment tells me that either you said or did or behaved in away that compelled your W to say what she did. She still has her doubts.

Sometimes people need to verbalize what they are thinking so that they hear it through their ears instead of their mind. I don't know what will come of this but the more you struggle with this, the harder it is going to be for your W to believe your changes are permanent and not just a show.

I know you are probably walking on egg shells trying to steer clear of hot button topics and making yourself look as attractive as possible. But, I'm interested in knowing if you have verbalized to her your feelings about this.

Remember MWD talks about "Asking for What You Want". Have you done that? Does your W really know how you feel about things? Are there things that you want to tell her but are afraid? Maybe it is time to loose the fear and speak up.

Maybe you should talk this over with your C to get a read on whether this would be productive.

[Crimson]

2TP - Testing....is that really it? Doesn't it seem rather extreme lengths to go to for a test? Let me divorce you to see if you have really changed? If that is the case, so be it - I am not arguing that it could be a possibility. It just makes my head spin a bit that she could think (or at least VERBALIZE) so many positives with regard to who I am as a man and a father - and still feel compelled to D.

Regarding verbalizing my feelings. No. I have not done that in a clear, concise manner just yet. It was my understanding that R talks were to be avoided. Also, I thought that such a conversation would be interpreted as "pressuring". Am I wrong in that assumption? I would be glad to admit if I am.

She knows that this is killing me, the loss, the pain of it - and she seems not to really care one way or another.

[2thepoint]

Crimson - I am giving you my outside in perspective. It doesn't mean it is right. But it might be.

"Testing....is that really it? Doesn't it seem rather extreme lengths to go to for a test? Let me divorce you to see if you have really changed?"

Good questions. How else could you possibly describe your W making all those complimentary comments to you, all the while still planning to proceed towards the big D? My view is she makes these statements and is looking for a reaction. Not sure what specifically she is hoping or thinking she will see but to my mind she is looking for something from you.

"Regarding verbalizing my feelings. No. I have not done that in a clear, concise manner just yet. It was my understanding that R talks were to be avoided. Also, I thought that such a conversation would be interpreted as "pressuring". Am I wrong in that assumption? I would be glad to admit if I am."

Let me ask you this question, Crimson. At what point do you think a R talk would be appropriate? After you divorce or at some point before you get to that point? I agree that timing is critical and several months ago probably would not have been a good time. But what about now?

You should re-read Divorce Remedy's Chapter 4 again. The very first sentence reads: "Now that you know exactly what you want in your marriage, it's time to share your thoughts with your spouse."

"She knows that this is killing me, the loss, the pain of it - and she seems not to really care one way or another."

I call BS here. She does care, she has said as much in her late night texts to you. But she is hurting too. As much if not more so than you.

“The future depends on what you do today.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

[Crimson]

I have no idea why she would make so many positive comments about me and still drift onward toward D. Maybe you're right and it is a test. Maybe she is trying to offset guilt by being excessively kind? If she IS looking for a reaction, I don't know what it is. I try not to react at all. She seems to be asking me "Are you OK?" a lot these days.

I guess the time is coming for me to initiate a R talk....I pretty much know what I would like to say, and at this point I feel as though I have nothing to lose. I want to be able to ask her if she is willing to work on things, why no do it while separated and not divorced?

***Honestly, for women and WAWs out there, is there something cathartic, or freeing about the divorce??***

I really do not know.

Maybe she is hurting, too. But she seems perfectly fine and at peace with ending the marriage. She can talk about it without a problem. I guess the way I see it, I am not willfully taking anything from her....she is losing time with our son, but that is her choice and a reality that my son and I have to live with right now.

Some days I just feel angry and I don't know where to put it. I will not show it to her at all. But sometimes I just want to scream WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?! IF you claim you are wanting to work on the relationship and open to it -- why??

[Rick1963]

Slow down Crimson. You are thnking yourself nutty. Get a hold of your thinking and stop the why questions. What you are doing is counter productive. Iwas told that anger stems from fear. What are you afraid of?

[sandi2]

"I want to be able to ask her if she is willing to work on things, why no do it while separated and not divorced?"

Why are you fighting it so hard? If getting a D will help her to work on the R, then wouldn't you be willing to do it? I know, it sounds crazy to me, too, but that's what she keeps saying. You are the one fighting the D so hard. Why? Isn't having a R with her what you really want?

You are scared to death of a D! Why? You don't have a M, now. Remember, it died. You don't have her as your W, now. What will be the difference after you sign some papers? You said it yourself, what do you have to lose? If getting a D will get the two of you together, then why are you dying a thousand deaths a day over the fear of it? What does that M license give you right now? You've already lost it, but according to her, there just might be a chance once she is legally free.