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#2241712 - 04/30/12 01:34 PM Re: Room for Improvement [Re: labug]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8907
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Well friends and neighbors, it's been a rough weekend.

I'm wobbly.

Even tho I know I shouldn't I want to do a temp check, reach out and touch, poke the sleeping bear.

I'm sure it stems from having more contact with him and everything seems so "normal" or maybe strained-normal is a better term. Expectations creep in.

H's birthday is Friday and I find myself wanting to invite him out to dinner or breakfast.

Or I want to ask him, "WTF is going on, what does all this mean?" But I guess for someone in MLC (I cringe at that term) his actions are pretty normal.

But I come here and read zig's thread and ces' thread and get my head screwed on straight again.

Other advice and encouragement are welcome and appreciated.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2241722 - 04/30/12 02:50 PM Re: Room for Improvement [Re: labug]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
Even tho I know I shouldn't I want to do a temp check, reach out and touch, poke the sleeping bear.

YO GIRL!! LET THAT THOUGHT GO, LIKE YESTERDAY!!

you poke a sleeping bear and you know that it's going to turn around and roar, or flip out a nasty paw and whack!!


go meditate - do double the yoga, anything else except that thought.

and sure, celebrate his birthday - BUT NOT WITH HIM - a very simple text saying happy birthday - no innuendos, no hints etc.

in fact my suggestion is already today - make plans for friday - the entire day - fill it up with all kinds of stuff - breakfast, lunch and dinner plans, and stuff in between and if there are any gaps require yourself to fill those with meditation yoga, bike riding like it's SO IMPORTANT that it's the end of the world if you don't do them.

and then if h happens to suggest spending any part of the day together - you can casually say - oh sorry my day is really filled up - and it is , right? how about another time.
or if all of you would be together, maybe you can "slightly reluctantly" agree to adjust your schedule, since it's a family thing.

you can do this labug - remember = you're doing what i described above as part of working towards saving your r. if you do a temp check you are working against that goal

chin up
and ((( )))
zig
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2241723 - 04/30/12 02:51 PM Re: Room for Improvement [Re: labug]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
Breath... smile

Its is birthday, if you want to invite him to dinner, go ahead. Just have no expectation of him saying "yes". And if he does, keep the conversation casual and away from the R unless he goes there. (of course you know this stuff, it just becomes less clear when we're so close to it).

I know what you mean when good interactions happen, the expectations creep in because we want them to continue. Reign it in and live your life!

Have a great day Bug!
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

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#2241726 - 04/30/12 02:58 PM Re: Room for Improvement [Re: ces67]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
okay - that was really funny - see , both ces and i were writing to you and the same time - and almost completely opposite stuff

so labug, laugh a bit, and realize that you have the ENTIRE spectrum of choices - and that's what's making you wobbly because now you have to choose.

that is the moment when all of us get a bit nutty and lose sight of our goals - when WE have to make the choice - not just of what to do, but the choice of how we are going to deal with the results (will we be strong enough to still not have expectations if this , this and this happened, etc etc), and what those actions or non actions mean.

so let it be for now., and every time it comes up in your mind, maybe you could tell yourself - it's okay if i don't decide now, i will allow the answer to come to me when i'm ready. that way you can take the pressure off yourself, and when your mind relaxes a bit, the right answer will come

trust that you will know what the right way to go about it is:)
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


Top
#2241796 - 04/30/12 06:19 PM Re: Room for Improvement [Re: zig]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8907
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Thanks zig and ces, good things to think about.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2241797 - 04/30/12 06:20 PM Re: Room for Improvement [Re: zig]
BklynMom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 1823
Great post Bug, really honest and true. Special occasions are hard. They bring back a lot of memories and remind us why we love family.

Why do you need to do a temperature check when you already know what the real feel is? You know he is coming over more, you know that he is more comfortable in the house, you know that you are nicer to be around.

Zig is right stay busy. We all have these temptations inside but keep 'em on the boards and dont share them yet with him.

The other day when H agreed to come over for D birthday, I suddenly wanted to email him and asked if we should go to a kids jumpy playroom before we came home for cake. I imagined how fun it would be to do an activity as a family and I so wanted to invite him to do that with us. I resisted the urge. I am so glad I did. My H came over for cake and he had no pressure from me. He felt no pressure to "have fun". Dont ask him to breakfast/lunch, let him come back at his own speed. (Super slow)

((()))
_________________________
----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13


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#2241848 - 04/30/12 10:53 PM Re: Room for Improvement [Re: BklynMom]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8907
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Thanks, for the dose of back bone, y'all.

And Bklyn, it will be super slow, I'm sure. smile
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2241939 - 05/01/12 08:50 AM Re: Room for Improvement [Re: labug]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/14/11
Posts: 757
you just want to do a set of vitals? compare it to the baseline? see if the temps up?

oh bugsy.. it's not fun to see you struggling. but it's nice to know you're not wonder woman.

i suspect you'll see a lot more of this drawing closer.. pulling back dance. seems maybe H was testing the waters and decided.. just a little too warm and cozy.. need to withdraw to my cold dungeon. he's with his nothing box.

you know how much i love and admire you! don't work yourself too hard! maybe get some rest by the pool in vegas???
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

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#2241953 - 05/01/12 01:01 PM Re: Room for Improvement [Re: barely floating]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8907
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Wonder Woman, pish! I'm sure under her metal-clad breasts and superpowers, she was a fixer, too. How could you not be if you had superpowers?

Her H probably says, "You never give me a chance to get the bad guy, it's always all about you!"

I'm making it through this, probably doing some growing I needed to do.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2241975 - 05/01/12 02:01 PM Re: Room for Improvement [Re: labug]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
Her H probably says, "You never give me a chance to get the bad guy, it's always all about you!"

shite labug - you just hit the crux of the issue with our WAS's. we never gave them a chance to feel validated.

funny you wrote that- it's what i'm thinking about a lot this last few days

I'm making it through this, probably doing some growing I needed to do.

i think you are right to approach it that way. every time "something" comes up, there's a lesson to be learned, a step to be taken, some new awareness or insight. let it come to you and relish the opportunity that you got to take one more little step forward

as for wonder women - heck it's taken for granted that we all are, right?

hope you have a smashing day, i sure intend to!!

zig
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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