Well, yesterday was a DISASTER! it looks like I have completely blown all the progress I have made over the last 5 months.
W wants a D….its the first time she has said it and she is MAD as hell!
Here is what happened:
I got ‘home’ about 5:30 and she was cooking dinner, we chatted about the weekend ahead and did small talk, and eventually the topic of where I would be staying at the end of next week came up.
I said I would be moving back in …she was shocked and became angry v. quickly, saying I had agreed that we would separate, and was going back on what was agreed .She was shaking her head and saying there was no way I was moving back in.
I said she knew I had arranged accommodation for only 3 weeks and didn’t have anywhere else to go. It didnt wash…she never once entertained the fact that I might move back in…( although I don’t know where she expected me to live!) She didn’t seem to have thought it through at all, but the thought of me moving back in appalled her.
She was shaking her head and pacing and asked about further on…. And I made the BIG error of saying I wanted to move back in permanently to co-parent……she freaked!!. I was trying to be assertive and said I had thought about it and it was best for me and our two boys that I move back in…..She Double Freaked.
Things escalated quickly….I should have stopped there and walked away to gather my thoughts but no……I tried to remain calm and compounded things by saying that she could move out as it was her that was unhappy……She immediately said she was going to see a L and wanted a D!...She was livid!!!Raging!!!....something I have never seen before in her…she was haking….her whole body!!!
She said that a friend had warned her that I might suggest such a thing but she had replied she knew me better than that and there was no way I would be so vindictive or ever say it….(I guess she feels BETRAYED!)
I then started to backtrack and try to reverse the damage but the damage was done! I apologised and said it was a stupid thing to suggest and I would look for a place to stay immediately. I apologised over and over as she vented.
I started to plead etc…I said I was scared to move out for 6 months and felt that we would just drift apart.
As she vented she said I had undone all the good things I had done over the past weeks/months…
and the upshot is she wants a D…….
I have hurt her…no question…I have messed up… i will have to move out for at least 6 month or she will D me……I am devastated.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Other things: I panicked and completely lost it. I did all the things I am not supposed to do…except beg and cry.
I tried to reason, tried to get a raincheck about how she had felt about me over the last 3 weeks, tried to get her to commit even in the tiniest way to work on the marriage, I brought up old R talks and stated that I thought she had never once tried to work on the marriage only ‘complained’, never took any action…..she didn’t see it like that
I brought up the fact she doesn’t wear wedding ring anymore and had started to tell her friends about the separation (she has told the kids teachers, which was new to me).
I said that everything she did seemed to be easing me down the road to separation and divorce and I was scared.( wedding rings/separation/etc etc)
Stupidly I said several times that I was doing things ‘the books tell me I shouldn’t be doing’…she looked at me with pity
She vented:
How she had bent over backwards over the last 3 weeks to make sure I saw the kids as often as possible.
How to had been hard for her with a full time job and the kids…I have only had the kids one day and night in 3 weeks (because of accommodation limitations)…I had it easy.
There was a load of other stuff but its hard to remember it all and take it in.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
She rang this morning at 7:30am (saying kids wanted to speak to me)
We had R talk and revisited yesterdays trauma.
She still feels v v hurt, 'like she dont know me anymore' ' she said she had 'never once regretted marrying me, but yesterday felt for the first time that she did regret it'
i apologised over and over and tried to explain that I misguidedly was trying to get more control over the separation. How I wished i hadnt moved out for just 3 weeks and had something more permanent sorted out. How I was scared of 6 months separation but knew that 3 weeks would not be enough.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Last night she said that in the 3 weeks of separation she had felt happier and that she had even thought that ‘sometime in the future’ we might get some MC….that was kicked into touch last night.
She also said without stating it clearly that she had had thoughts about a ‘time frame’ for separation.
These two things mean to me: that she had had thoughts about working on the marriage, ‘if she is happier’...ill take that as a positive.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Seriously quit apologizing for her histerics and her intentional misunderstandings (when she twists what you say to fit her agenda)
What you said is done, there is no taking it back, and you already apologized more than you should have.
With a WAW somehow apologies only make them angrier, don't ask me to explain it, I can't. Man up to your comments, but quit apologizing it. If she brings it up again say, yeah I shouldn't have said that, and change the subject! If she won't drop it just say in a calm voice (very important). I know it was wrong, and change the subject again. If she keeps pushing WALK AWAY.
It some weird way the more you apologize for it the worse the offense will get in her head, and the bigger the grudge will grow.
I'll read the your old thread but from what I can tell she is hell bent on making you the bad guy. At this rate she'll never take you back.
What's done is done. Don't let her drag you into another argument. You can leave the conversation/fight. I wouldn't apologize anymore. Be strong!
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
I am looking for an apartment today....I went round to use our computer and asked her to help....it has helped defuse the situation and we had a big hug...I asked if she still 'hated' me ...she said she could never 'hate' me....
Defuse and move on... we are also discussing access to kids and boundaries and finances...more later
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
That's another one, asking her if she hated you just made things worse.
Just follow this simple mantra:
"if she has to ask herself if she loves you, she'll most likely say no"
To a woman the simple fact that she doesn't have an immediate gut response of "YES!" indicates to her she doesn't love you. You asking her makes her ask herself if she does, and since things aren't 100% good that she'll say no. Even if she is only 1% unsure that little percent is enough to make her say no.
So don't ever ask her for a relationship status again, EVER.
This is from personal experience so some may disagree but....
Let's say she was at 50% yesterday, and reached 75% today.
Then you ask how she feels, that 25% percent she doesn't have will make her feel unsure and then she'll find herself at 0%.
For a WAW it's all or nothing.
Quit trying to get temperature checks. If you want to see where you stand just watch her actions, they're worth more than her words anyway.
For the last few years, she has said that for her love is 'all or nothing' ....
I hear what you say....I will not apologise anymore or ask for forgiveness...if she brings up yesterday I will say I have apologised and would like to move forward.
We need to let the wounds heal a bit. She can see I am looking for a place to live....we both need some sleep
Thanks for your support!! It helps a lot.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
I will try to measure every sentence I utter to her, to really think about what i am doing/saying
I feel a strange sense of liberty about having decided to move out...I am detaching little by little
180s, GAL and LRT, no raincheck, no pursuing, no pressure, dont be needy, change to the person she fell in love with......love my two sons
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
