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GM, My heart breaks for you - the pain you are feeling is very real and very scary. All of the advice given to you above is truly the absolute BEST. Early on in my experience someone used the phrase "extreme self care" - this is a time in your life when you have to slow down, and nurture yourself like you have never been nurtured in your life. It got to the point where I realized that each and every interaction with my XH was truly like taking a hit of poison. People who do what our Xs do are just not right in the head. You don't treat people - especially family - in the manner in which they have. Something is not right. They act as if they have it together and know that what they are doing is right - and it leaves us feeling crazy. The absolute opposite is true. You are taking care of your family by yourself right now. Make sure to take care of yourself as well. Let yourself feel all the things you are feeling. There's not a feeling you have that is abnormal given the extreme situation that has been thrust upon you.
Personally, I read a lot, prayed a lot, cried a lot, hurt a lot, posted here a lot. Whatever it takes.
Prayers your way!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
golf mom, You've had some excellent postings about your situation. Please do not call your h unless it is an absolute emergency. This is where you are going to have to put on your big girl panties and take care of you and your children. He can't help you in any way because he can't help himself. He is emotionally all over the place and when they are like that, forget it...you are on your own.
As for relationship talks, unless you want to hear all bs reasons they walk or get spewed on, you are better off leaving that topic off the table. When they feel that they are being pressured to say or do something, they come out swinging. Please, no more relationship talks. When he's read to see or speak to you, he will. Right now, you are seen as an authority figure (mom figure, most likely) and what do teenagers do when mom wants them to do something that they don't want to do? Rebel!
GM, it's now the time to put on your big girl panties and show this man that you can be the best parent ever and that you can take care of your children and you! He knows exactly where you are and believe me, he can always sense when you are pulling away or falling back into old habits. It takes time, but you will develop a tougher skin for his bs and you will get stronger. For now, no more calls or texts unless it's an emergency. Anything to do with the divorce...allow your lawyer to do the work for you.
P.S. We all have done the "backslide" more than once on our walks along the Yellow Brick Road...don't beat yourself up over it.
I'm guessing that one of the reasons letting go is so hard is that I have a need to control out of fear. This is one of my H biggest complaints. I'm really trying to understand this need and where it comes from. In my M I thought of myself as just taking care of what needed to be done, but in my H's eyes he had no say in anything. I believe he's doing a lot of projecting, but there is truth in what he said. This is one of the reasons he says he is afraid to come home. He believes that I will be different for awhile but will gradually fall back into old habits. This is an area of growth for me that will serve me well the rest of my life. If anyone knows of good books/articles on this I would really appreciate some recommendations. This is something I had started working on in therapy and learned it came from my fear of abandonment.
I'm going to need to pray every moment I can to get through this day.
golf mom, To some extent, it is a fear of losing control, but I also think it is the fear of the unknown and what the future may hold. We all have experienced it and you are not alone in this. It takes time to let go of the fear, but you will do it. Right now, every is in a blender and it is getting mixed and beaten to death. Step back, take each day as it comes, keep your goals/aims short for now. Tackle each task one by one and do not try to do all of them at one time...this is where you will become exhausted and overwhelmed.
What your h said about returning home and things reverting back...that is mlc jargon. Tomororw, he would come up w/another excuse and so on. Don't take the glass of kool-aid he is serving up!
Keeping it all together right now is so hard. I'm able to focus at work, although everything is in the back of my mind. When I get home I just burst into tears. I don't know what's going on with me. I haven't been this way for months. S12 is out to dinner with my H. He deliberately picked him up before I got off work so (I'm assuming) he wouldn't have to see me. Both of the boys are seeing him on Sunday. So there's been some progress with their relationship and I'm glad about that. It does hurt, though, that I know he's dating (don't ask questions that you don't want to know the answer to) and he's making time for the boys and I have no one to take care of me. I miss hugs, "I love you" and our time together. I'm feeling the pressure of all the mom stuff, working and dealing with the D. I miss my old life terribly.
Golf Mom, If you lived close by I would invite you over to my house for coffee and a good crying session. Along with a long talk. I feel for you so much, because your sitch is darn near identical to mine in so many ways.
I've felt exactly what you're going through and still do to this day! Being slammed into single parenthood is not fun. You think you can handle it especially after being a SAHM for many years. My Xh slept all day and worked all night, so for the most part I was a single mom even though I was married. But it's still hard, because Xh is not here to talk to about the kids. I also have made the choice not to speak to him about the kids unless it's necessary. So I find myself facing some things completely without him, but I just get through it. It's a learning lesson.
I've come home day after day for an entire year ( up until the last 2 months) to go stay in my room and cry or just be still and let the pain wash over me. Working was a struggle with this being on my mind all the time. It has worn me out. Keeping up the professional face and pace, while inside you're dealing with the searing emotional pain. Coming home to our children is bittersweet. It's a comfort to have them and a joy to be with them, yet meeting their needs under such stress is hard and even adds to the stress more. Then the steps of divorce, meeting with the attorneys, paper work, etc. Watching our marriages come apart, piece, by piece, by piece. Memories, good and bad.
I know, I really really do. The only advice I can give is ONE DAY AT A TIME. Sometimes ONE MINUTE AT A TIME. There were times I just wished I were dead, I really did.
My divorce is final. I made it. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. But I did make it, and I am so much better for it. Im still walking, still learning, and still hurting a little bit at times too. I got myself through it, and my kids. And the only way I did it was one day at a time.
You all have been so great with your responses, so please don't be frustrated with me when I tell you that I called my H again. I'm really not as pathetic as I sound. I wanted clarification on something that my son told me. I guess if I'm honest, I used my concern as an excuse to call. I really need help interpreting what my H said and whether I really did kill my marriage or if this is a MLC. He said that my refusal (his word, but not true) and our debt caused him to feel suicidal and want to leave. True, I should have gone back to work sooner, but I thought we were on the same page with how we were decreasing our debt and our overall long term plan. How could he seemingly be happy all these years and then just walk out one day and forget all of the wonderful things about our marriage and family? Does this sound like a MLC or just another marriage gone bad? He said that when he left he had a lot of resentment toward me and now he just feels indifferent. Is that good or bad? How do I DB in this situation? I really want my H back. He also said that it's really hard for him to hear me upset and that he's been trying for months to just go on with his life, but when he talks to me it's painful and he's distracted again. Something else that I've noticed, when the conversation turned away from our R and we were telling each other work related news it was just like it always was, two friends sharing their day. What do I make of that?
Sweetie, there really isnt anyone on here that would be able to tell you definitively if it is MLC or not.
Follow your gut on that one.
Let's for now say that it is. First things first. There is nothing wrong with you feeling as you do. This is tough stuff, real tough.
You are blindsided and feel like you got hit in the gut.
I will tell you this, though. The sooner you begin to detach, the better you will begin to feel.
I know it seems impossible, but, it isnt.
You did not imagine your years together. Your h is in crisis.
He cant understand what is wrong. So, he lashes out at the person closest to him. He thinks if he can get out of the marriage, then he'll be happy. When that doesnt work, he will try something else.
Until he realizes the problem is inside of him, he will continue to seek ways to stop the pain.
Now, you can do two things. You can continue to call him and ask him questions. But that will result in more of the same of what you are getting.
He is thinking - see she doesnt hear me, she doesnt get it, she hasnt changed. It's more of the same.
Now that might seem crazy to you. But to him, it is very real.
And you trying to figure out what everything he says means - well, that will just have you spinning in circles.
You need to show him that you hear him. And then you need to leave him be.
I know it's so very hard, having all this on you. I do.
But, that is the way it is right now.
So, put your marriage safely in a box and store it away for now.
I know it seems unbelievable what I am going to say to you. But, if you choose to walk this journey, I promise you that you will come out the other side forever changed. Stronger, wiser and the person you were meant to be.
So, honey, please stop calling him. He is telling you some very important things. He feels bad when you call. It is pressure to him.
It's best to let him to try to slay his demons on his own. And everytime you do things like that, you slow down the process.
Make yourself a promise that today you are not going to call him and you are going to start to look inward.
Hit a pillow, go in the car and scream. And then, do one thing for you. One small thing.
Make sure you eat right, rest when you can, pray if you are so inclined.