Hi everyone. I've been lurking for a few weeks and decided it was time to jump in. *Splash*
Doing this is a total 180 for me because I’m kind of an online privacy freak and the idea of putting this out there is, well, frightening. But I feel like I’ve gained so much already from reading about others’ stories that I should at least try.
H and I have been together for a little over 8. Married a little over 2.5. No kids, just one cat. Throughout our R I struggled with self-esteem issues. I had an issue with never resolving feelings over past online (virtual) PAs he had with multiple OW about 6-7 years ago. We sort of tried to work through it but really more swept it under the rug. I'm currently reading "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" and the downward cycling of fear and shame pretty much encapsulates our dynamic after this point.
Around the time I was finishing grad school (buried myself in work to get through, thinking that time would make it better), H said he'd been thinking of moving out. We promised to work on things, etc. etc. We did work on some things, and it did get better. Better enough that a year later we'd agreed to get married, buy a house, and plan for the next 7-70 years.
Mixed in this was a longterm chronic illness of mine. It made it hard to live a normal life but we tried really hard. Two years ago, I found a treatment that resolved 90% of my problems. First it was amazing - I had real emotions again! I could make plans to do things more than 2 hours out! But then it came crashing down - I questioned everything - my career, my M, my H, every decision I'd made since I'd been ill. Unfortunately this threw me into a full-blown MLC/WAW phase.
Reading a lot of the MLC/WAS stories on here, I almost can't believe how closely it fits with what I was feeling at the tender age of 30. However, although I never said I wanted a D, I said something terrible like it was an option on the table. My poor H went into a tailspin. We started MC and each did our own IC.
We worked really hard on some things, and really worked through my issues over his past infidelity. I think MC was really helpful on that. However, as it wore on (we went every other week-ish for nearly 18 months), it turned more into blaming, psychoanalyzing, wallowing in bad emotions, and trying to get the other person to see the "right way" rather than finding SOLUTIONS to fix our issues. I really think it just made our situation WORSE after a time. Around 6 months ago, H said he'd had thoughts about ending the M. After this, I really started working hard to fix some things about myself. I was kind of doing some DB'ing without realizing it. I felt like things had gotten a lot better but I think a part of me was just waiting him for say that he'd decided to end it. He even agreed that things were getting better.
About a month ago, we sat down for a talk (part of our weekly MC homework on expressing our feelings, which neither of us were great at). He said he'd been planning to say he wanted a D (didn't actually say he wanted it then, just that he had been planning on saying it). I went into some kind of sad hurt rage, ripped off my ring in a "is this what you want?" moment. He didn't say no, so I left it off. We had MC the next day. He said he didn't know where we stood (referring to my ring being off). After some questioning about at what point our M would be considered over, he admitted he didn't want to work on the R anymore because it was too much work. He said he felt like he worked hard on it before and *even though things had been getting better* he was tired of working on it. One of his concerns was that the changes wouldn't be permanent and that someday in the future I might wake up again and have another crisis. A lot of what he says sounds like the familiar MLC (not happy, not sure what would make him happy, pretty sure the M won't make him happy, needs adventure, etc. etc.) triggered by my own.
I went into full LBS mode. Thankfully, I came across this site and MWD's books that weekend and started devouring them. The detaching method has saved my sanity, but it's still hard and there are definitely down minutes, hours, and days. I've also had a consult with a DB coach.
He still wants to be "friends." More on that to come.
That book is excellent, you are on the right track.
He is asking for SPACE, give it to him. Get out and GAL. DETACH. Believe none of what he say and half of what he does. Have NO EXPECTATIONS. Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Thanks, Cadet. I've seen your wise words on many other threads but it is nice to see them again on mine.
Coming to have no expectations has been really freeing. This was something I had been working on in my personal life before the bomb but it's really been like pulling my head out of the sand with relation to my M. I feel so much more like MYSELF and it's nice that I seem to be much nicer than I'd been the past so many years!
I have been working on my GAL (reacquainting with long-lost friends, mostly) and it's been doubly enriching since this is something I have been working on since getting better after my illness. I have definitely been keeping up my health (have gained back the divorce diet weight) and going to the gym a lot. H even asked to see my stomach last night when I was doing some yoga and noted that I looked slimmer. (Hey, he's looking I guess!).
Getting my hair cut tomorrow for the first time in a few months... might be time to mix it up a little
One of the biggest sources of my confusion/hope with H and his decision is that, as of this past weekend (nearly a month after the bomb), he had still not told his parents or anyone in his family about his decision. (He's 28). He's had the opportunity to, he just . . . hasn't. He asked if I'd told my parents (which I had, the night of the bomb) and asked if they hated him. I told him they didn't (they don't). It'll be interesting to see what happens when he finally does tell them.
We're still living together, and acting as pretty great friends. Per my DB coach's advice, I'm trying to work on a) being a great friend and b) remembering to show my flirty side more often. It's a little dusty, but it seems like it's been coming out a little more as I remember what it was like to be my own person!
One of my 180's is to be more open/less rigid with planning things out on my weekends. Last weekend he wanted to go visit his grandfather and asked me on short notice. I had time so I agreed. We went and had a lovely visit (his grandfather is fond of me and I really don't see him often enough).
H seems confused that I'm not really a wreck like I was the first night after the bomb. Last weekend he wanted to "talk" again and said his feelings hadn't changed. Then he kept asking if I was okay. I said I was fine.
Sometimes I don't feel fine, but a lot of times I do. It's getting better.
We had already planned a vacation that was to take place 2 weeks after the bomb (and one of our friends was going with us). I used it to really put my DB'ing in effect, working on being a great friend. I don't really feel like it's an act so much anymore, but when it feels like it is I put on my "as if" hat.
I had a chuckle when H asked whether we should drive or walk somewhere. I said let's walk. His eyebrows shot up and his head jerked back, and he admitted that he thought I'd argue and insist that we drive. I played it cool and said it was nice out - why drive! Heh.
The vacation was fine. Great, even. It was a place where we didn't have to hang out together all the time if we didn't want to, but could if we wanted to, and we also got in some national park time (one of the things he says life is missing is more time in nature). I made sure to grab his hand a few times going through crowds. He didn't drop it, so I take that to mean I'm not repulsive. Baby steps. He also complimented my restaurant choices and the places I had chosen to stop in the national park.
Our poor friend seemed really confused but was a great sport. She couldn't believe what was going on given how well it seemed like we were getting along. I welcomed her to the confusion that is my life
Alright, last post for a bit while I wait for these to pop out of the moderation cloud, as I'm starting to lose track of where I am.
One of the things I have noticed recently is that, since I started DB'ing hardcore, my H will sometimes bend over backwards to help out on something. It's kind of odd. But I really feel like we haven't gotten along this well in years. He's also exaggeratedly complimentary of my cooking and will make grandiose proclamations if something smells good. I guess this means I best keep up the cooking!
That said his feelings "haven't changed" and he still wants a D. I told him over the weekend that I didn't want it and I wasn't going to help him do it. I'm usually the one that takes charge on research and planning so he'll have to see what that's like if he wants this done.
Just reading your situation Verab. If it were me I would not bring up the R at all. When my H was still living at home my big mistake was talking about it every night and being sad, weepy all the time, or screaming and pleading. I didn't find MWD for over 3 months- not until I had already made it a million times worse and pushed him out the door. Sounds like you are doing something right.
Me-32 H-31 M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs No kids, 3 pets H estranged father passes away- 8/11 Bomb- 1/15/12 Began LRT- 4/1/12
Hi Maggie, thanks for stopping by. Just to clarify, I never bring up R matters now. H initiated the last talk. I didn't say much except that I didn't agree that D was the best option and let him say that he would have to do it by himself because I wasn't going to assist. I feel like I've been doing pretty well maintaining PMA inwardly and outwardly, and, during that talk, H actually asked repeatedly if I was okay. I just said "I'm fine."
We went out for dinner Sunday (his idea). It was nice. Things seem lighter and we're able to joke and laugh more than we had been in awhile. Once we got home, he asked whether he still needed life insurance (i.e. why would he with no M and no house). One step forward, two steps back.
Recently I've noticed that he'll start asking who/what/when/where questions if I indicate that I'm going somewhere but don't volunteer any more information.
Last week he offered to and followed through to cook one of my favorite meals. I made sure to thank and compliment him on it. We are thanking each other a lot more for doing things generally or around the house. One of my 180's was to really try to be positive (as opposed to neutral or neutral-but-appearing-negative) in our interactions. Sometimes I have to really stop myself because my first instinct response is to be negative. It's coming along.
Part of my GAL (that has been going on for awhile, pre-bomb) is trying to get into running. I hit a personal best over the weekend. H gave me a high-five. *facepalm*
I wonder if you could set a boundary around talking about the M. Like, once a week you meet and leave the house and go somewhere to talk. That way you don't get caught off guard with R talk.
Me-32 H-31 M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs No kids, 3 pets H estranged father passes away- 8/11 Bomb- 1/15/12 Began LRT- 4/1/12
