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#2241125 - 04/27/12 12:51 AM Re: NRTS (Not Repairable at This Station) [Re: WenikiTiki]
kml Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/03
Posts: 11968
Yum! Love me some red beans and rice!

Yes, having a relationship talk with H is totally pointless at this moment - he's still completely in the fog.

Try to remember to ask yourself before you say something to him - "Is this going to get me closer to my goal?"

If the answer is no - keep your trap shut.

What do the kids say to you about their dad's affair?

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#2241127 - 04/27/12 12:59 AM Re: NRTS (Not Repairable at This Station) [Re: WenikiTiki]
kml Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/03
Posts: 11968
P.S.
As far as the divorce goes - the WAS usually wants it to be like the zipless f**k .....seamless and requiring no effort on their part.

It [censored], but if you want to strike while he's offering a good deal, you'll need to do it now before he starts changing his mind.

Remember though that divorce doesn't have to be the end unless you want it to be. You could just look at this as protecting half his assets from crazy OW. wink If he's CAPABLE of the kind of remorse and growth that would be required for you to want to take him back - he'll get there AFTER he hits bottom with the whack job. If he's NOT capable - then you getting into a R talk with him right now is rather pointless, since you wouldn't want him back unless he was capable of that change anyway, right?

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#2241130 - 04/27/12 01:31 AM Re: NRTS (Not Repairable at This Station) [Re: kml]
WenikiTiki Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/11
Posts: 1073
Loc: Hawaii
I am going to read "Fear of Flying" again.....

What do the kids think of their dad's affair? They are all angry. But haven't said a word to him. I think the biggest part of him hitting rock bottom is going to be when he finds out the hard way that his sons, DIL and granddaughters have no plans to ever be around OW again. EVER. They think she is crazy, and unlike me being fooled by her, none of them liked her from the start.

I just keep reminding myself he is just a puppet right now. Still a good looking guy, but not my guy. It is a little funny, my mom, sister and best friend tell me he isn't looking good. He always looks unkempt, hair too long, mustache (Goatee for awhile) all scraggily, crappy old clothes..... They all think he looks like a hick.

And I realized, it is true. He puts on his work clothes and goes to work looking nice. But comes home and puts on the same sort of clothes he has worn since he was a teen. I have to sneek in and throw away old underwear and socks.

Go figure!

Thanks Ellie for being the voice of reason. I am trying my hardest to keep my cool and to keep stepping through the hard parts.

I like Mahatmas Red Beans and Rice, use turkey sausage, onion, and red, orange and yellow peppers. I add lots of veggies to my meals, so I don't skip them! It is one of my favorite meals to make on the boat.

I found a property for $289K with 3 houses and a pool on 1.2 acres..... The kids can get on their feet, and then I can have rental property. (Or my mom....)
_________________________
Me 54 XH 55 Sons age 29 & 24 M:32 T:33
D final 9/12
Sold the house, Progress is being made!

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#2241133 - 04/27/12 01:53 AM Re: NRTS (Not Repairable at This Station) [Re: WenikiTiki]
kml Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/03
Posts: 11968
Wow!

I like the idea of you having rental property capability. Gives you an extra reserve in the future. Just make sure you don't end up supporting the kids and sacrificing your future. Can they really find jobs in a town of 3,000 people? Can you really make a living? Have you tried selling your crafts online? Perhaps you don't even need a storefront, just an ETSY account?

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#2241134 - 04/27/12 01:55 AM Re: NRTS (Not Repairable at This Station) [Re: kml]
kml Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/03
Posts: 11968
Oh - and regards this part:

Quote:
I think the biggest part of him hitting rock bottom is going to be when he finds out the hard way that his sons, DIL and granddaughters have no plans to ever be around OW again. EVER. They think she is crazy, and unlike me being fooled by her, none of them liked her from the start.


It's nice that they're validating you, but don't count on this in the future. Kids will put up with a lot to keep the relationship with the WAS parent. And you don't want them to feel they have to choose between you two.

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#2241138 - 04/27/12 03:54 AM Re: NRTS (Not Repairable at This Station) [Re: kml]
beatrice Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/10
Posts: 2114
My kids never had anything do OW - their choice, and still very very little to do with their father. Again all their choice. I always encouraged them to have contact if they asked me about it.

Now they see him 2/3 times a year for an hour or so, max, and always on his own. My middle son spent a little time with him the summer before last with his then gf, but he[xh] totally freaked her [the gf] out. All the sons' serious gfs/wives who have met him find him weird beyond anything, and they always come back and say 'How come you are all so NORMAL'

Odd that those who didn't know him before, find the person he now is very strange, and not someone they want to be around.

So kids who are adult do not always want to hang out with their MLCer father. And my xh STILL totally doesn't get it, and is alternatively grumpy and pathetic about it. He sees no link between the way they are, and his behaviour either at the time he left, or subsequently, and the way they feel and act towards him. He simply isn't the man he was, and the man he is now, sadly, isn't very nice at all. And creepy. It is awful but I can imagine my xh as he now is capable of anything, truly. And I do not like that. Everyone has told me to be very careful. So your instincts about OW were probably right.

We are simply an inconvenience to them. And losing his family wn't hit him for quite a while, because he will justify it to himself, and the OW will likely poison his mind against them - and he will listen instead of thinking 'Is this true'. It is all so very very sad this MLC stuff. And while I do not blame OW, it certainly provides an opportunity for unscrupulous women to make capital out of someone's infatuation, instead of saying, like a nice woman, 'Listen honey, go and patch it all up with your nice wife, Work on it, I can tell you it will be worth in in the long run'

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#2241195 - 04/27/12 11:20 AM Re: NRTS (Not Repairable at This Station) [Re: beatrice]
sunshinelewis Offline
Member

Registered: 12/17/08
Posts: 1124
The Other women have no clue as to who our husbands were before. They are seeing a totally different side of them than we did.
Out xh's or h's is as sweet as pie to ow.
I had a friend tell me that my x treated ow like a queen. Followed her around like a puppy dog.
This WAS not the man I married.
_________________________
_________________________________________
M:42
H:40
S:18
M:20yrs/together 21yrs
Bomb:9/08 ILYBNILWY
Sep:9/18/08 "ow" :25
Filed:11/18/08
D:12/8/08
M:Different 26 yr. old 7/09.
Newborn 4/10

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#2241307 - 04/27/12 08:11 PM Re: NRTS (Not Repairable at This Station) [Re: sunshinelewis]
WenikiTiki Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/11
Posts: 1073
Loc: Hawaii
Hey KML! My DIL will easily get a job she is a 4'9" tall Fillapino/German most beautiful smart energetic bartender you ever met! Her regulars give her more gifts for birthdays, Christmas etc than you can believe. I'm sure she will find a spot there! And my older son does solar installs, and now manages the warehouse for the company he works for now. Solar is pretty big in CA, I'm sure it will work out for him, too.

Most people commute to the bigger towns for work there.

I might leave my youngest here, he just got that apprenticship with the jeweler. He said he will decide when we get closer to moving. He can catch up later, if need be.

I am having a melt down kind of day. And know that everyone on here knows that when I complain about what is happening I am leaving out all the parts where I did stupid stuff that didn't help my marriage.

I sometimes feel like I have done so many things wrong that I am just getting what I deserve. But then I think how my H and I have never solved a problem. Just ignored it, let it pass and now here are all those problems all nice and fermented and blowing up in my face. And I think he and I each put our problems into that fermenting vat of problematic crap stew.

I guess I want to say to everyone here I appreciate all the support. I sometimes feel guilty, that if you knew the whole story from day one you might not be so sympathetic.

I'd write the whole story here, but heck, I'm saving that for when I really write a book.
_________________________
Me 54 XH 55 Sons age 29 & 24 M:32 T:33
D final 9/12
Sold the house, Progress is being made!

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#2241308 - 04/27/12 08:12 PM Re: NRTS (Not Repairable at This Station) [Re: WenikiTiki]
WenikiTiki Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/11
Posts: 1073
Loc: Hawaii
OH my spelling and grammer...... Sorry for all the typos. I think I need new glasses!
_________________________
Me 54 XH 55 Sons age 29 & 24 M:32 T:33
D final 9/12
Sold the house, Progress is being made!

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#2241368 - 04/28/12 07:58 AM Re: NRTS (Not Repairable at This Station) [Re: WenikiTiki]
job Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/00
Posts: 18851
Loc: Maryland
Wendy,
You are not deserving of what you are going through. Your h is a grown man and should have enough respect and love for you not to be hanging around w/the ow. He does know what the word "no" means and since he's in some type of crisis, he's going to have to learn what that word means all over again. The ow is nothing more than a sick individual who feeds off of weak men. Once she gets him and has sucked the life out of him, she'll toss him away too.

Hang in there!

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