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#2233578 - 03/27/12 12:20 AM Re: WAW told me she doesn't want to be married pt3 [Re: gabbysmom23]
witz10 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 234
Loc: PA
My question is how do you let go? This is someone that you have a history with and children with. I will see her for the rest of my life. Now it will help when I clear the rest of my stuff out of the condo and also when I have my own place. This way I don't have to go back there at all unless its to drop kids off. But even then I am thinking of asking her to come down and get them.

Yes I thought about giving her the book but I know its not a good idea. Just something that goes through my head because there is logic to the book and she is not thinking logically at all. Which also goes with her mindset.

I know I am a better person and I know I have my ups and downs I also know that I have become the spouse/husband that a fool would leave. Now question is is she this fool.

Yes I am trying to hold onto what we have. If at least one of us fights for the marriage then maybe there is a chance. She is lost and confused I can tell. Last Friday we spoke about our taxes and the assessment for the condo. I told her I mailed in half the assessment for the roof. She was panicking about the money and how we will pay for it. I was calm and told her it will get taken care of just like the IRS will be paid.
She posted on facebook a comment it was another one of those days. Someone else answered to go to the beach. She then responded yes beach with alcohol. Since she has been with OM she is looking for all her answers in a bottle it seems. Now not when she has kids thankfully. But he drinks so she has too as well. Its sad really.
_________________________
M37 W34
S6
D3
M8yrs T14
S 1year
Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011
"I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love

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#2233580 - 03/27/12 12:23 AM Re: WAW told me she doesn't want to be married pt3 [Re: MrBond]
witz10 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 234
Loc: PA
I do need to stop apologizing at times.

How do I use the book now? We barely communicate except through emails. Only face to face we have is when I drop kids off.
_________________________
M37 W34
S6
D3
M8yrs T14
S 1year
Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011
"I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love

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#2233635 - 03/27/12 09:17 AM Re: WAW told me she doesn't want to be married pt3 [Re: witz10]
gabbysmom23 Online   content
Member

Registered: 03/31/08
Posts: 5502
Loc: NJ
OK. This is the deal.

You believe you have become a man only a fool would leave, right?

Well, beyond that other than living your own life independent of your W, there is nothing else you can do.

You can't make her think logically, you can't force her to see the light, there is nothing you can do in those regards, even if you think she is "lost".

Things you CAN do. unfriend her on FB. Your going to over analyze every comment and think they all pertain to her decision to divorce. That she must be second guessing everything just because she had a bad day. When she stresses about something, your going to think she's going to come running home. You can eliminate this. BTW, I post when I have a bad day I could use a drink. And I do have one, and it does not make me wayward or an alkie.....

I absolutely agree you should not go in the condo when you do kid exchanges. I realized i couldn't handle seeing OW things at my ex's apartment. I used his bathroom and saw her stuff in the shower and almost had a nervous breakdown. Haven't been back in since. It's been years, and I do it to protect myself. Do what you gotta do to protect yourself.

I hate to say this, and sue me if it's anti-DB, but a marriage is almost impossible to save single-handedly. Especially when there is a third party. You can't do anything beyond the work you have done for yourself and to keep that work up.

You can chose to "fight" for your M, but only by keeping up your changes and not dating, but beyond that you have no control.

So control what you can, and that is yourself.

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#2233735 - 03/27/12 04:04 PM Re: WAW told me she doesn't want to be married pt3 [Re: gabbysmom23]
witz10 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 234
Loc: PA
I still have my sites set on moving in the summer or fall into my own home.
I wish it was that simple and not have to see her. However with 2 kids makes it that much harder. Especially since I am asst coaching my sons t-ball team and she will be at games and practices. We shall see how this goes as well.
_________________________
M37 W34
S6
D3
M8yrs T14
S 1year
Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011
"I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love

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#2233753 - 03/27/12 05:17 PM Re: WAW told me she doesn't want to be married pt3 [Re: witz10]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 10344
You have young kids so you have to communicate more about them. Really study the principles of DB and not just the strategy portion. When you truly understand them, you will be able to relate to your W no matter how briefly you see each other.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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#2233780 - 03/27/12 06:59 PM Re: WAW told me she doesn't want to be married pt3 [Re: MrBond]
gabbysmom23 Online   content
Member

Registered: 03/31/08
Posts: 5502
Loc: NJ
Huh Witz?

Did you read what I wrote?

You asked how to help let go, and I answered with some things that help.

I didn't tell you not to speak to your W.

You have 2 kids, so yes you need to have contact and see eachother. But do you have to go into the condo No. She can come down and get the kids. That's pretty easy. it's hard for you to go in, so don't.

Unfriending her from FB is pretty easy too. or atleast blocking her posts so you stop reading into her posts.

These are strategies to lessen to help you let go. It's not all or nothing, although it feels like it.

I know, i have a child. My daughter was only 6 months old at bomb time, so we had to communicate alot as she was a helpless baby.

The advice I am giving you is the advice others gave me 9although he wasn't on FB, thank God) My only regret is I didn't listen to everyone sooner. I made excuses not to take these steps because somehow if I didn't, he would be farther away. Well, not true. he chose to be where and who he wanted to be with, and me staying attached most certainly didn't bring him closer. When I took the other's advice to do eliminate the little things that were affecting me so greatly, to help me let go, the pain started to lessen.

When you are ready, you will do it. But please, really read what I wrote. And what Mr. Bond you wrote.

DB is beyond a strategy or proving something.

You have the power to make the changes you need to let go. Holding on isn't going to make her drop her A and decide she wants to make it work. Letting go won't make her do the same either. You have a better chance with that though and in the process, you save yourself.

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#2234804 - 04/01/12 11:44 PM Re: WAW told me she doesn't want to be married pt3 [Re: gabbysmom23]
witz10 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 234
Loc: PA
We spoke about what I thought taxes, kids with camp and of course us. She wants to know why I am still holding onto hope considering she is in a relationship right now. She asked me if I was going to wait for that to end then we would get back together. I told her I don't really know. I am not dating right now cause I am not really ready. Plus living in my mothers basement is not how I want to bring a girl home. Just good for jokes.
We went through what went wrong in our relationship and she told me we were and are still good at the friends part plus I have always been a good father. It was the partnership. Which I agreed on. But now it is different. I told her I was not coming into this to beg or plead and if we were to get back together there was a lot to work on and therapy to go through. She wants me to be happy. I told her I was happy right now being a father. I did tell her it would be nice ot go for a walk in New hope on nice days or go someplace with someone is what I miss.

I feel good about myself tonight and I feel good where we left everything for now.
_________________________
M37 W34
S6
D3
M8yrs T14
S 1year
Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011
"I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love

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#2236363 - 04/08/12 04:28 PM Re: WAW told me she doesn't want to be married pt3 [Re: witz10]
witz10 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 234
Loc: PA
So weekly update. My son was off from school this past week for break. We had alot of time this week together. Monday I dropped both kids off at the sitters and my wife picked them up. Tuesday night they were with me. I also had them at the office with me on Wednesday and dropped them off at home that night. Well dropped them off with my neighbor since my wife was stuck in traffic and I had a 6pm therapy session.
I told my therapist what happened with the meeting as well as having a small chat with my father in law. My car needed a new alternator so I dropped it off to him Tuesday morning. When I picked the car up later in the afternoon he came outside to talk with me. He told me my mother in law had invited me over for dinner and I declined. I told him with everything going on right now I did not feel right. I also told him I feel like I let him and my MIL down Jen was my responsibility I asked for her hand in marriage and failed to protect and keep her safe. My therapist also said I still feel the failure aspect. My FIL looked at me and said I didn't fail anyone things change and she changed they still know I love her and my job now is taking care of my kids and getting my house for us. He said he doesn't know exactly what is going on and that my wife doesn't talk with him about it. I told him its not my place to inform him of things I know. He knows that she and I spoke that previous Sunday and I told him that I told her I still love her and would marry her again if we were to get divorced. Can I wait I don't know. All this was told to my therapist who is still amazed at me holding out hope. I told him when you love someone that's all you have.
I left two easter cards in my FIL truck for him to take home since I am not there today. First time in14 years I have had to find something to do today. Gym is not open and I can't go anyway. Ran a 2.62 mile race yesterday and then swam for my triathlon. Concentrating on that now is my priority as well as work, kids and home.
So today I went into work to clean my desk up now I am back at my moms with borrowed ps3 games to kill the time. I did text my wife and wished her, kids and everyone at her parents house a happy easter. She asked me how Passover was going. I told her same things as every year except this year I can't figure out how to keep count of my calories.

Just more rambling
Have a good holiday
_________________________
M37 W34
S6
D3
M8yrs T14
S 1year
Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011
"I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love

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#2240724 - 04/25/12 02:41 PM Re: WAW told me she doesn't want to be married pt3 [Re: witz10]
witz10 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 234
Loc: PA
Still around and pretty much on the verge of being done. I am 3/4 done with that last 1/4 hoping she will eventually change her mind. I have spoken with a lot of friends that know us and they still can't believe she is acting this way. Went to my in-laws house for dinner with my kids last week. They invited me over again. They don't even know what she is thinking. I know they will not approve of the guy she is with now. Her dad even called her a fool. So I have become the spouse only a fool would leave.
I have been doing much better over the past month. Had a slight set back last weekend 4/15. One of my good friends mom passed away and the funeral was one day before my dads death anniversary. My wife came to the funeral as well and we sat next to each other. Joked a little she noticed I was wearing my fathers ring and said sorry to me regarding the next day. The rabbi was talking about the relationship the mother had with the father and how they spoke all the time and would go out etc. This I could tell bothered my wife, I did not look over but could sense she tensed up a little. When I dropped of my kids that night one of the other drinking couples came home and were in the parking lot. I got this look from the wife that seemed like a pity stare.
One thing that has helped is everyone is complimenting me on how I look. Lost 16 pounds and I am more muscular.
I am now on dating sights and was emailing with two women but now nothing. I am ready to see what is out there. I know it is not the thing to do. But it will be one year next Tuesday and I need to live for myself and kids.
Been busy the past few weekends as well. Went to see Gabriel Iglesias with my friend whose mother passed. This past weekend went and saw Rodrigo y Gabriela with another friend. These were the tickets I offered to my wife but since she turned them down I went with friends and enjoyed the whole time. Didn't think of her once. This weekend I am flying out to visit friends in Los Angeles. So I am keeping busy.
Also assistant coaching my sons t ball team and loving every minute I spend with my kids.
My goal is to start looking for a house for the three of us this summer and hopefully be able to move in end of summer into fall. They deserve a backyard to play in and I want my own place.
_________________________
M37 W34
S6
D3
M8yrs T14
S 1year
Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011
"I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love

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#2249442 - 05/29/12 12:15 PM Re: WAW told me she doesn't want to be married pt3 [Re: witz10]
witz10 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 234
Loc: PA
Hello. Been a while again been very busy at work and at home. This week will be 1 year 1 month on Friday. My trip to LA was cathartic and helped me figure things out. I feel I am able to start a new chapter in my life and the interesting thing is not knowing what will happen. With only one exception. I am responsible for all the decisions.
My W is fully into her relationship to the point where the kids know he is around. My son sort of understands and I talk with him about it. My daughter is almost 4 and at the age of wanting to do her own thing. When she is with me she argues and does not want to listen and says she wants mommy. Nothing I can do for her but try my best. Its hard being a single parent and very tiring at the same time.
I am on a few dating sites because I am lonely and I need to be happy. Just before leaving LA for Philly I got an email from a girl I was talking with and she told me to call her when I got back. We have text and spoken on the phone a few times. Every time we try to get together she has canceled then I get an apology. Now I don't want to offend but I am starting to think women are nuts. All my friends that know both my W and I and they still think something is up with my W. One suggested mid life crisis. So I was curious and looked it up. One of the parts to a MLC is the spouse will go for someone way below the person they are leaving. Well that pretty much resembles us. I don't know if I did I would have answers, which I don't. So moving on.

Two Saturdays ago I was at the YMCA training for my Triathlon which took place last weekend. I was doing my laps in the pool when I noticed OM standing on the deck with his back to me. Then my W came out. OM went into another pool to attempt to hide. I finished up and walked over to my W to talk with her for a bit. I then informed her I was going to go speak with OM. She gave me a deer in headlights look. I went over shook his hand and informed him that she will always be special to me, and not to hurt her(which he will). I also informed him that she is a package deal and has our two kids. I then said to him if anything happens to my two kids and he is around then the only person he has to worry about is me. I am the one he has to answer two if something happens to my children. He said he understood and that he did not mean for this to happen. I know my wife and I know how this happened. This is how our relationship happened. I was there to talk to and be the one to give support. So he was full of [censored]. For him its all about convenience. Once he gets his license back, oh and a job he will be out at bars and they will be done. She will fall hard and probably blame me like it says in the books.
I was talking with my neighbor who was sitting with him and after a few drinks OM said he will always be an alcoholic, he doesn't want to get married and doesn't want kids. So why you seeing a mother of 2? Convenience.
Another ego boost for me. When we ran the race and the past few times I have seen my wife I have noticed she has gained some weight. I am going to assume the drinking life style is too blame.

Still taking it day to day week to week and moving on to bigger better things for kids and I.
_________________________
M37 W34
S6
D3
M8yrs T14
S 1year
Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011
"I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love

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