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#2240793 - 04/26/12 12:22 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 9 [Re: ThisDayForward]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10864
Loc: west coast
Originally Posted By: netmaster
What I need is a game plan where I stay focused and dont react


Remember this ^^^ and the 48 hour rule (at LEAST 24 hours) before you say anything.


Nothing you say MUST be said tonight and if you backslide, that's just more ground you have to make up.

Plus It just re-confirms HER choice to leave and reassurres her that YOU are the problem...

there is a reason YOU wrote that you need to learn NOT to react...

let your hard earned lessons pay off. Dig deep, change the traits in you that need changing and begin TODAY with something like this. It's an opportunity for you to SHOW change.

B/C if you handle this differently it's a 180 sign of CHANGE in you and

it could even be productive...you guys could even TALK and learn something about each other and have that interaction w/son be the "excuse" for triggering a decent talk. NOT about reconciling but

show her you can problem solve together...

OR if you decide, after some "ego free reflection" on your end - that she's just plain wrong and broke her word

OR violated an important boundary at your son's expense,

then we can help you express that in a way she can HEAR it.

The main thing for now is YOU calming down, NOT "reacting", &

assuring your child that you WILL see him again, often...regularly...

More later but hey, hang in there. Remember this is a marathon, not a sprint.
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

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#2240794 - 04/26/12 12:22 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 9 [Re: ThisDayForward]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 11152
Before you react, go and ask your W exactly what she told him. Then discuss it with her. Setup C with your son. You can't control crazy.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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#2240795 - 04/26/12 12:30 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 9 [Re: ThisDayForward]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10864
Loc: west coast
Originally Posted By: netmaster
If I could detach this whole process would be simple


Not easy to do, but it's not complicated when you understand it..so in that sense, YES detaching would make your life a lot simpler.

So, who is stopping you?


Here's a short post I saw about detachment. It's just a summary, but it may help you "get" this more than you are so far...


BTW- This was originally posted by Peanut.
============
II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we say or do things that undermine our goals.

We can NOT control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, "I am not getting what I want, So I must pull back."

It is the natural acceptance of the reality that "I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

Top
#2240799 - 04/26/12 12:35 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 9 [Re: ThisDayForward]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10864
Loc: west coast
Originally Posted By: netmaster
Sorry LA. Today went the exact opposite of what I planned. Can't even tell you what I was planning for today and actually what happened



hmmm, "planning" means you had a lot of "Expectations", which can lead to seriously hurt feelings

BUT


expectations don't exist, when you learn and CHOOSE TO DETACH


Like you said, this isn't complicated...it's hard, but it's NOT complicated.

DETACH.

Focus ONLY on you and your own work, without looking over your shoulder to see what SHE is doing/thinking/planning/feeling/saying

take charge of your life...for real
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

Top
#2240805 - 04/26/12 12:53 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 9 [Re: 25yearsmlc]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
Guys it is over seriously. She told my S Im not coming home cuz it is over. I can't even rationalize with her

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#2240807 - 04/26/12 01:00 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 9 [Re: ThisDayForward]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 11152
Did you talk to her about it? Not argue, but talk to her?
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

Top
#2240808 - 04/26/12 01:04 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 9 [Re: MrBond]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
Mr. B I tried to talk to her about it. She flipped out. Threatened to call cops. Take kids from me (cuz we don't have official plan) It is unbelievable.

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#2240812 - 04/26/12 01:15 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 9 [Re: ThisDayForward]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10864
Loc: west coast
Originally Posted By: netmaster
Mr. B am I reading this right. You're still DB and have been on here since 2008?


DBing is a life long process. Remember you first save YOU and then your r's in life improve and maybe, your m gets saved.

Regardless of marital outcome, the LBSer who works on themself by digging deep and bravely facing THEIR stuff & owning it (which means changing it, not just admitting you have it)

that person has done really important work on their lives. Valuable work.

Div Busting is a solution based approach to solving relationship conflicts. It's a problem solving method.


My Marriage is a work in progress & always will be.

Even when I feel like we're in a good place and I feel "safe"--I know not to be complacent again.

But this^^ makes me feel empowered, not paranoid.


I now know I can & will be happy in my life, with or without h or a man in my life. That's b/c I'm in charge of my life & happiness and I took charge of that when h left...

I became a much happier person, which apparently is attractive b/c I got asked out a lot back then, although I wasn't dating...

and h seemed to notice that whereas HE was lonely & sad, and confused,

I was growing into a happier healthier "funner" person...

HE missed that in me, and our life, and I came to realize that he was losing a lot more than me. (I think he realized it too).

I was becoming my best self and frankly, when h wanted to reconcile,

I paused...


b/c I was in a good place that took a lot of effort to get to.

I didn't want to go back to crazyland without some serious reassurances from h that things would be different/better...or forget it. He provided those.

So what are YOU doing to SHOW your w that marriage to you would be better/different than before?
What are the 180s?

See, if it's Not going to be better or different, then why should/would she want back in?

Yes, simply put, if your w does not believe marriage to you can change/improve she won't want to reconcile.

When she sees your anger and tension or feels it, you may as well give her a pen to sign the divorce decree...but

When you detach, you'll come to see that YOU are solely responsible for your happiness & you always were. Embrace that...


B/C it SEEMS that you want to make her in charge of how YOU feel and behave.

No offense net, b/c I know you are hurting.

But letting HER behavior dictate how YOU act, and then blaming her for it---

isn't fair to her, and I'm sorry to say, but it is Not really all that adult of you.

I was once like you are now. I had allowed someone else to determine how I felt about myself & my life.

Well, that won't ever happen again, and that knowledge is SO empowering.

Don't give someone else the burden (OR power) of being responsible for YOUR happiness.

As for how long you DB

hey Net - the changes you learn to make from DBing, are changes you make to become a better YOU. Keep it up.

SO YES, I'm still DBing...hope I always am.
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

Top
#2240813 - 04/26/12 01:17 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 9 [Re: ThisDayForward]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10864
Loc: west coast
Originally Posted By: netmaster
KD thx. That makes actual sense to me. I'm reacting to her rage which in turn is making it look like I haven't changed a bit.


BINGO
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

Top
#2240817 - 04/26/12 01:34 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 9 [Re: 25yearsmlc]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Originally Posted By: netmaster
KD thx. That makes actual sense to me. I'm reacting to her rage which in turn is making it look like I haven't changed a bit.


BINGO


Print this and post it somewhere where you can see it. I think we've covered this with you a number of times now.
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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