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#2240488 - 04/24/12 09:35 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: gr8 day 2B alive]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
His problem all along has been splitting up our family. He wants his kids in his life all the time just as much as I do. He is very much a family man. This is why it's so hard for me to watch him do this and have no control. This past week I have had the kids a lot longer than usual due to his work schedule and I know it kills him to be away from them as long as he has. But he feels his "love" for OW is going to make him so much happier in life and so sharing the kids like we do is worth it. (He did tell me that if OW wasn't in the picture that he would want to work things out with me.)

But because he's missing his kids so much he's texting me saying, will you please have the kids call me? Here's my thing... I don't want to have to deal with him, whether it's through my kids or not, more than absolutely necessary. It hurts me that he doesn't want to talk to me. It hurts me to watch them talk to him and wish so much that I could be a part of it. It hurts when he picks them up and drives away without a care in the world. I still have the urge to just get in the car with him and go. Like I said, everything is too raw right now and I know eventually it won't bother me but right now I'm in survival mode. I don't think having them call him is absolutely necessary. And I NEVER call him asking to talk to the kids or request that he has them call me. I respect the fact that he has his time with them and leave it at that.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



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#2240550 - 04/25/12 02:24 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
gr8 day 2B alive Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 1544
Loc: Philly Burbs
Jks.

It's been a long time since I had those feeling when we made the exchanges.
My ex was so into family that I couldn't understand why/how she could ever do something like D. U
Our sitches are so similar in this aspect.
The pain does resonate at this stage. In time the exchanges do get better.
What work for me to have her second guess her decision was durin the exchanges I would update her what was going on with the kids. All informative stuff. I didn't have negative feelings when I dropped them off.
When she dropped them off I had uncharacteristic music for me playing in the backround. I had pics of the kids hanging in view and I always looked and smelled good.

But the thing I really believe that brought her back was the fact she found out I was happy and " dating".

That's a whole other topic here. But it worked for me.

continue to TCB with the kids and protect yourself financially.

Let him really "feel" what life without you feels like.
_________________________
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."

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#2240555 - 04/25/12 02:32 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: gr8 day 2B alive]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2536
Loc: Piney Land
Great day so dating for u worked? I think that would make my W think twice if I did that. I dunno? Might try it nothing to lose at this point. Whada u think?
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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#2240604 - 04/25/12 06:54 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: Rick1963]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
I am definitely trying to date. However, finding people to date a young mother of three is a bit challenging. I've talked to several guys online but I think they all get scared away by the kid factor. Three is a lot to take on. And they're so little still.

So you don't think it's a good idea that I'm just not around when he comes by to pick up and drop off the kids? For me, it allows me not to backslide. If I don't see him I can move forward easier. I can detach. And he truly will see what life is like without me because he won't be physically seeing me for a long time. I just wonder what your thoughts are on this. I feel like I need to get even more passed this before I can start having normal conversations about the kids with him and not fall apart.

In fact, that is the hardest part... having "normal" conversations where we're both happy and ok. Because then I just look at us and think, why is this happening? We are so normal with each other. And the friendlier we are with each other the more I want him back. But to him I am just not attractive. Well, he says I'm physically attractive but he's not attracted TO me.

I don't want to be attracted to him anymore. I want to forget that feeling. So by not seeing him I'm making myself forget. Does this make sense?
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2240609 - 04/25/12 10:02 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: Rick1963]
gr8 day 2B alive Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 1544
Loc: Philly Burbs
Quote:
Great day so dating for u worked? I think that would make my W think twice if I did that. I dunno? Might try it nothing to lose at this point. Whada u think?

Rick, I can honestly say dating did work for ME. When she heard I was dating someone she broke down and cried.
I finally accepted she didn't want to work on the M. It may have been a little too early for me to get serious with someone but it did make her think twice about her actions.

People generally want what they cant have. When the ex called me that one day she was crying on the phone saying she wanted me.
I caved too fast and accepted her "false" feelings.

She didnt do any work on herself but I wanted us back together no matter what.
That's the hard part- knowing when their intentions are genuine.

Rick, I don't suggest dating until you have completely detached. It's not fair to the other person.
That doesn't mean you cant go out for coffee with OW.
_________________________
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."

Top
#2240610 - 04/25/12 10:16 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
gr8 day 2B alive Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 1544
Loc: Philly Burbs
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
I am definitely trying to date. However, finding people to date a young mother of three is a bit challenging. I've talked to several guys online but I think they all get scared away by the kid factor. Three is a lot to take on. And they're so little still.

jks, if those "men" are intimidated by the fact you have three kids then they aren't man enough.
I'm sure at your age you get a lot of younger guy trolling for sex, no?
Geez I've spoken to women in their early 40s who get those emails all the time.
Quote:

So you don't think it's a good idea that I'm just not around when he comes by to pick up and drop off the kids?

I don't think this is a good idea. The way I handled it was to treat my ex as a baby sitter. I only talk about the kids and what was going on with them, eg.... d7 has a cold and I gave her medicine.

It is hard at first, but it will get easier with each exchange.
Quote:

Well, he says I'm physically attractive but he's not attracted TO me.



Have you read 5 Languages of Love?

What was it that initially attracted him to you besides your looks?

Quote:
I don't want to be attracted to him anymore. I want to forget that feeling. So by not seeing him I'm making myself forget. Does this make sense?

You not wanting to be attracted to him is still your anger coming out. Keep focusing on your kids and use your alone time to get out and enjoy yourself.

gr8
_________________________
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."

Top
#2240653 - 04/25/12 03:27 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: gr8 day 2B alive]
gr8 day 2B alive Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 1544
Loc: Philly Burbs
jks, another thing I thought about when I was driving to work.

After I wrote a letter to my ex validating her feelings and saying "I get it now" ((I have to look up the exact wording, if you're interested)

But after she received that email, she replied back how wrong I was and said that "she does fine me attractive and will probably always love me".

I can relate to what your H has said to you.

Remembe, words without action are only words. They mean nothing.

a poster during my early days here would say:

You must retain the faith you will prevail in the end, regardless of your difficulties AND at the same time comfront the brutal facts of your reality, whatever they might be.

Not only has this statement helped my through the D process, it has helped me in other areas of my life.

The first step is to LET GO of negative feelings.
It's not easy, it takes time. Once you do you will truly feel better.

gr8
_________________________
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."

Top
#2240664 - 04/25/12 03:45 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: gr8 day 2B alive]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
I'm reading over a journal entry he wrote for me after we were married for two years and he states that he loves me because of my silly sense of humor, my caring heart, and that I'm such a talented person.

He also goes on to state "I love her so much and want her to know that I will always love her. I will be here for her through the worst of times. I am afraid every day that I will lose her. I don't know what I would do without her. If I lost her I know that a part of me would die. She is my life."

"I know that if I have her by my side we will be able to overcome any obstacle that may come in our path."

So funny how he wrote all of this and none of it meant anything. I hate it because lately I've felt like all along he didn't really love me. He kept talking about how he has this connection with OW that he's never felt with me throughout our entire marriage. It's like we hit a high point and things started to slowly progress downward and got worse and worse. He says he can't even remember me being happy. That is sad.

Depression is sickening. I still struggle with it very much and I hate that he truly has no idea what I've been going through in my mind. I want to be better, I want to be happy. I just have to work at it 10 times harder than he does. I just don't see how that's fair. Being a mother of three, running your own business, and trying to keep on top of everything on top of having depression is actually downright depressing... not to mention overwhelming.

You would look at me and think, wow, she had it all... three beautiful children who are so funny and smart, a wonderful husband, a beautiful home, a fun job... why was she so unhappy? Obviously I know now that I am the one who's responsible for my own happiness and I can't depend on others for it... this is a lesson that I had to learn the hard way.

I see so much great potential between me and my H. I have a hard time believing that a person that can say all those things after being married for two years isn't really "in love" with his W. Granted, people change and their views on life change along with it. And I'm just having to accept more and more that he isn't the same man I married.

Me not wanting to be attracted to him is me sick of hurting. It hurts to be rejected over and over again. If I just don't feel anything for him then there won't be any rejection anymore because I won't want him anyway.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2240668 - 04/25/12 03:54 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: gr8 day 2B alive]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive


After I wrote a letter to my ex validating her feelings and saying "I get it now" ((I have to look up the exact wording, if you're interested)

gr8


Yes, I would be interested to hear this... thank you for helping me.

Btw, did your ex-W have a PA while you were married? My H is convinced that OW is the one for him and he actually would have already moved in with her if her house was bigger. (Can't fit all the kids in a one bedroom house.)

Everyone tells me it won't last but I'm not so sure just because of the fact that they've been friends for 6 years. She has all the qualities he wanted to see in me. I know I can't sit around and wonder and worry about this I just wondered if your ex-W was with someone else thinking that it was what she wanted and ended up not being what she wanted at all.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2240672 - 04/25/12 04:03 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 2 [Re: jks]
gr8 day 2B alive Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 1544
Loc: Philly Burbs
jks,
i cant believe how similar your sitch is to mine.
it's scary.

I have countless love letter from her stating her love for me. How she will "Always be by my Side" BTW that was our wedding song by Sade.
People couldn't believe we were separated b/c our image was so couple-like.
Quote:

Depression is sickening. I still struggle with it very much and I hate that he truly has no idea what I've been going through in my mind. I want to be better, I want to be happy. I just have to work at it 10 times harder than he does. I just don't see how that's fair. Being a mother of three, running your own business, and trying to keep on top of everything on top of having depression is actually downright depressing... not to mention overwhelming.


I wouldn't consider myself depressed at all, however those other points ALL relate to me, every one.

Life isn't fair. Some people DO have to put more of an effort doing thiing than others. That fact will never change.

Shake It Off And Step Up

A parable is told of a farmer who owned an old mule. The mule fell into the farmer's well. The farmer heard the mule 'braying' - or - whatever mules do when they fall into wells. After carefully assessing the situation, the farmer sympathized with the mule, but decided that neither the mule nor the well was worth the trouble of saving. Instead, he called his neighbors together and told them what had happened...and enlisted them to help haul dirt to bury the old mule in the well and put him out of his misery.

Initially, the old mule was hysterical! But as the farmer and his neighbors continued shoveling and the dirt hit his back...a thought struck him. It suddenly dawned on him that every time a shovel load of dirt landed on his back...HE SHOULD SHAKE IT OFF AND STEP UP! This he did, blow after blow.

"Shake it off and step up...shake it off and step up...shake it off and step up!" he repeated to encourage himself. No matter how painful the blows, or distressing the situation seemed the old mule fought "panic" and just kept right on SHAKING IT OFF AND STEPPING UP!

You're right! It wasn't long before the old mule, battered and exhausted, STEPPED TRIUMPHANTLY OVER THE WALL OF THAT WELL! What seemed like it would bury him, actually blessed him...all because of the manner in which he handled his adversity.

THAT'S LIFE! If we face our problems and respond to them positively, and refuse to give in to panic, bitterness, or self-pity...THE ADVERSITIES THAT COME ALONG TO BURY US USUALLY HAVE WITHIN THEM THE POTENTIAL TO BENEFIT AND BLESS US! Remember that FORGIVENESS--FAITH--PRAYER-- PRAISE and HOPE...all are excellent ways to "SHAKE IT OFF AND STEP UP" out of the wells in which we find ourselves!
_________________________
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."

Top
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