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#2240290 - 04/24/12 02:49 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 9 [Re: 2thepoint]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
I'm going to try to go underground for awhile. Today really kicked me in the kidneys. I had this whole day planned out to be not around and it backfired.

In summary I finally stuck up for myself. Said I wasn't going to tolerate the nasty talk, the vulgarity, etc... She picked up phone and called lawyer and schedule appointment. Well I stuck up for myself hooray. End result not so much hooray.

Sorry not going to tolerate that behavior. What good does that do in and around the kids.

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#2240297 - 04/24/12 03:28 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 9 [Re: ThisDayForward]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1700
Quote:
In summary I finally stuck up for myself. Said I wasn't going to tolerate the nasty talk, the vulgarity, etc... She picked up phone and called lawyer and schedule appointment. Well I stuck up for myself hooray. End result not so much hooray.


Net - you do realize that her calling the L after you establishing/enforcing your boundary was just another ploy to keep you on your heels? Don't fall for it. Stay detached. Treat every interaction with your W like a business transaction. No emotion, get down to business and then move along.
_________________________
Me49 W52 S16 S12
M21 T24
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2240327 - 04/24/12 11:39 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 9 [Re: 2thepoint]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
If I could detach this whole process would be simple

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#2240334 - 04/24/12 12:13 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 9 [Re: ThisDayForward]
AprilT Offline
Member

Registered: 03/27/12
Posts: 127
Loc: Georgia
Net no one ever said it was gonna be easy....its just a choice you have to make. Much like choosing to stop smoking, or drinking. At first it feels foreign and unsure. Then you start to like how you feel when THEY no longer control your every thought and action. Then it becomes habit.

Don't beat yourself up each time you make a mistake. Get up, dust yourself off, and keep going. The glory comes in getting up and staying true to YOU. You and your children are what matters. Even though mine are grown, I had to do this for me and them. We needed to break away to get healthy and heal. I am starting to like me again, and that feels great.

Hang in there and make time for you Net--you deserve it.

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#2240340 - 04/24/12 01:16 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 9 [Re: AprilT]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 9301
Loc: Sonoran Desert
It is simple, it's not easy.

You can detach, it takes work.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she
could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful
~Terri St. Cloud

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#2240429 - 04/24/12 06:37 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 9 [Re: labug]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
I feel like everytime this happens I'm
Starting over. It is very frustrating to me she doesn't see her extreme anger every month. I do feel like we are hopeless because no matter what it takes 2 especially when W is out of balance.

She also feels my prescience makes her feel sick and a week later when I'm gone or not around as much she feels better. She doesn't realize it's just a week later.

She is also stressing out about my lease being up. I almost feel she feels pressured to make a decision because of it. No true but I have no communication with her so hard to address.

Anyways it is a bummer. I'm looking for a job to help me stay busy

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#2240433 - 04/24/12 06:44 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 9 [Re: ThisDayForward]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 11174
"It is very frustrating to me she doesn't see her extreme anger every month."

This is why you keep falling. You are still expecting her to see something. You get angry because you believe she doesn't. You are allowing her to affect you. You can just as easily not allow her to affect you.

"I do feel like we are hopeless because no matter what it takes 2 especially when W is out of balance."

No it doesn't. Look at 25yearsmlc. Her H wasn't even in the same state as her and she DB'd successfully. 1 person can make a difference. If you know that she's going to be confrontational at a certain time, and you know that by engaging her you will be hit with emotional abuse, then don't pay her any attention. Change your perception of her. Rather than seeing her as you W, see her as a spoiled child throwing a tantrum. Do you pay any attention to a child? Of course not. You let it run it's course.

You can still put your foot down when she's crossing a boundary of yours, but don't allow her to affect you any longer.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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#2240447 - 04/24/12 07:25 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 9 [Re: MrBond]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
Mr. B my counselor said that because of her childhood she fights like a child and to do just what you said picture her a child yelling at you. Would you yell back or engage.

My worry or fear is she will never get help. She always blames "ME" for getting her into this state (body funk) even though just yesterday a holistic dr told her that her adrenal glands probably out of whack. Its very common when a women stops breast feeding a child for this to happen. She hears dr's say her symptoms are common but choose to pass the blame on me.

I get it. I can ignore it but again is this anyway to live your life. Walking on eggshells and having your W threaten you with divorce every month etc..

I guess I'm going to have to re-read DB book again.

I'm pretty sure she is meeting up with a lawyer this week..

Another frustrating thing. Again out of my control. But it would be really nice if we could sit down as adults 2/3 times a month and talk. There are things that I have done that have bothered her and I didn't even know. Total miscommunication from separation.

Just yesterday she blamed me for my son asking her last night if she had a boyfriend. She said I must be talking in front of him. I was furious. Those words have not left my mouth. He is 6 and these types of things come up. She blamed me etc...

He is also asking everyday when daddy is moving back home. If i try to bring that up to W she thinks I have an agenda and I'm making it up. FRUSTRATING. I'm not making it up but I can only deflect the questions for so long.

Anyways. I truly feel like when this crap happens I'm starting from the bottom stair again.

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#2240450 - 04/24/12 07:37 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 9 [Re: ThisDayForward]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 11174
Again, YOU CANNOT CONTROL HER ACTIONS.

Rather than fighting against what she says, you have the freedom to leave. Establish your boundary again (she may threaten, etc.) state it clearly and straightforward to her that you will not be her punching bag any more and then walk away. Don't turn around. Don't stop. Don't engage. Just ignore.

No matter how hurtful is the stuff is she says to you, just keep on walking.

There's a reason why I changed my name to Mr. Bond. I was like you to a lesser extent. I felt like I had to engage my W every time she said or did something and even when she didn't. So I decided to model my behavior after someone who respects women but doesn't necessarily listen to them when it doesn't suit his purpose.

It's made things alot better when I started treating my W like that. She actually listens more now.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

Top
#2240463 - 04/24/12 08:26 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 9 [Re: MrBond]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
One thing she made clear is she sort of angry that I am not on board with the D. She said "I know you are scheming up something you can say to the kids when their older that mommy left the marriage" but did you tell them this "mommy has been in the marriage the last 7 years and you weren't"

Yes I know I can't control her actions. I can only control my reactions and I did finally stand up for myself on the phone. I said "who do you think you are talking to me like that. In that tone and that vulgarity. I will not tolerate it anymore." She said you won't have to I'm playing phone tag with a lawyer now.

I just really don't know how to DB with a person that is not rationale 10 days a month. Completely in denial.

Also Mr. B believe it or not I don't engage my W that much only when she gets in this state is when I FAIL the most. Even when I know its coming I completely fail. Plus this time around I was starting to get ANGRY and I vented back at her for her 'potty' mouth.

It is so tough. My business is so slow and on top of it sometimes when I look at my laptop and try to work it becomes a giant BLUR..

Then mix in the emotional questions my kids are asking me.

I do feel she will be hitting me with a mediator soon. If she does isn't it better to be amicable? Seriously instead of a blood bath.

I am going to try your method of not engaging. Grab the kids. Put them in car. Walk away. Don't respond etc..

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