What do I do next? Part 3

[Accuray]

Luvhurts,

I'm so sorry you're in so much pain, but I applaud the progress you've made in understanding your own behavior and what it's done and continues to do to you. That feeling of being helpless in the face of your circumstances is terrible, particularly combined with the knowledge that it doesn't have to be this way.

I believe you have it figured out so there's not much I can say. In terms of being stuck and dealing with your emotions, have you found a good IC? Despite the fact that the money is gone, that might be worth taking on debt. Insurance will often cover a certain number of visits. You are in a bad place, enlist a professional to help make things better!

I feel for you my friend

Accuray

[2chiquitos]

You're self esteem has been shot. Reminds me of a gruesome picture I saw of someone who shot themselves in the head with a shot gun. Nothing's left! So you need to pick up the pieces and put yourself back together.

This will be one of the biggest challenges of your life. It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I am at, seeing my future without H. However, this has allowed me to start picking up the pieces and start taking care of myself and stop taking care of the nonexistent R.

I continue to love H and show him I love him. Not with words but with actions. Before I was able to use my actions I had to completely back off. Kinda looked like I was giving him the silent treatment but I gave simple responses if he asked me questions.

Now he tries to pull me into conversations that have to do with work, his family, his life. I still believe he's involved with OW but I can't get caught up with that. It doesn't help me achieve serenity. And that's what I'm all about now. I want my life to be as peaceful as possible. NO MORE SOAP OPERA!!

Take care of yourself luvhurts49. Learn to parent yourself. GAL with your kids is great! They need you to remind them how much you (and W) love them. They tend to blame themselves

I tell my 3yo I love him throughout the day and say things to build his self esteem cuz although they're little this also hurts their self esteem

[luvhurts49]

Okay, so it's been a few weeks since I've been on here and things haven't gotten any better. Our kids now have their own attorney and a ruling should be made sometime next month regarding custody. I don't like my chances here, but I still feel that it is in the best interests of our kids that they be with me, in their home, in their beds, and where they are comfortable.

Nothing much has changed with my W. She is still with OM, although she still denies it. My and my W rarely talk other than to say thank you or drive safely.

We did have a short conversation 2 weeks ago. She had some movies she rented that she wanted to drop off to me so the kids could see them. So she dropped them off without ever getting out of her car. About a minute later I called her, apologizing for not inviting her in to see the boys for a minute (brain fart on my part). She said that it was alright. About a minute later, she called me and said, it's not that she doesn't want to see our kids, it's that she never expected to be invited in to the house. She stated things like it never felt like her house and she wishes that we never bought the house. Then she started complaining about things about our R and our M. During this conversation, I'm telling her that of course this was and is her house and her home, that she is always welcome her, that a regret of mine was not allowing her to do more within the house to make it feel more like "hers". We continued to talk along those lines for 10 or 15 minutes before hanging up.

Why does she continue to torture me by talking about things that we have done, things that we both put our hearts into? Why does she keep talking and complaining about things regarding our R and our M? Does she really care? Does she only do this to torture me? Does she do this to justify her decisions? Or does she keep bringing these things up because she is still confused, feeling guilty, or a part of her just doesn't want to let go?

I'll be honest, I know it's been 8 months since she left, but my heart still yearns for my W and our M. I still can't stop thinking about her every day and I dream about her every night. I see the look on my kids faces and it kills me to see the pain that they are going through too. I just don't know what to do anymore. I really don't.

I would be grateful for any help or words of encouragement.

[Accuray]

For sure she's still conflicted and is trying to reinforce her decision. She's throwing out things that, if true, help her to convince herself that leaving was right. I do think she's baiting you to create bad feelings. To the degree you're sticking to your 180's and being pleasant, listening, and validating, you're not taking her bait, and that is making HER feel tortured, because maybe things weren't as bad as she convinced herself they were, and maybe she did make the wrong decision.

If she's indeed still with OM, I'm sure the shine is coming off that relationship too. When that relationship starts to fall apart, or even fails to live up to her expectations, then she'll really start to question if its everyone else or if it's her.

There is nothing you can do other than what you're doing. Continue to cope as best you can, be pleasant, protect your kids, 180, and keep demonstrating positive change through action.

I'm very sorry to hear about your continued pain, that is just awful.

Accuray

[luvhurts49]

Thank you Accuray, but I don't think the shine is coming off the R with the OM, but I wish it was. She now watches football and basketball games on TV (things she never did with me although I tried to get her interested). She roots for the teams that the OM likes.

I really wish that she would start to question herself because she is distancing herself from me even more nowadays. She can't even look at me and even saying things like Happy Easter, she turns her head away.

I just see her as doing all these things that she wouldn't do with me. I see her going out of her way to be a part of his life and not mine.

I been to so many doctors, therapists, and counselors that my head could just explode, but in the end, none of it helps and I still love my W, I miss my W, I miss our family being together, and the thought of living the rest of my life without her is excruciating.

[luvhurts49]

You know, it really upsets me that she has and is doing things for this OM that I couldn't get her to do for the last 20 years. And on top of all that, it's almost like she deliberately flaunts it in my face just to get me going.

I love my W, I love my kids, and I love my family, but anything I do or don't do, doesn't make things any better. I dream about my W every night and wake up in the morning realizing that it's just another dream. I know we have no control over our dreams, but come on...it's been like this for 8 months. It becomes hard to take after a while.

So this last weekend was my W's birthday and her sister was in town (from Florida) and they both came to drop off the kids (it was my weekend). I didn't do anything dramatic or buy some big or expensive gift or anything. I simply had each of our kids give her a card and I also gave her a card and some flowers. I didn't hug her or kiss or anything like that, but it really tells you something when you get a better reaction from my SIL than my W. My SIL gave me a hug and said all the nice things you're supposed to say while my W didn't even look at me and didn't even bother to say thank you.

Now I know better that to expect anything extraordinarily positive from my W, but even a simple acknowledgement would have seemed appropriate.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm going down in flames and just trying to keep my sanity. I'm gonna continue to do what I need to for my kids, but she is literally tearing me apart.

[AprilT]

LuvHurts-
As someone who has dealt with my STBXH's MANY affairs over 9 plus years, you reach a place where you have to put your needs FIRST. You cannot be a doormat or a safety net for whenever they wake up out of the fog. Do you like living in pain everyday, not eating, not sleeping??? I didn't. I wanted more...I deserved more. All of us on here deserve more.

Moving forward does not mean you are forgetting her...It means you are remembering YOU. If she wakes up, great, she will have a fantastic you to look forward to. If she doesn't great...someone who appreciates you will get a fantastic you. I wanted more than to be the one he came running back to when the others gave him the boot. I want to be the ONLY one for someone, not the leftovers.

Please stay strong, and know that only you will know when its time to move on...in whatever capacity you choose. Your children need you to be strong. YOU need you to be strong. Hoping you find some peace....

[sayitaintso]

Well said April^^^^.

You have to let her go Luv. It has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I'm not completely their yet as its a work in progress. It has come and progressed in phases but I realize that I have zero (o) control over my w and it must be her choice to come back to me or to re-engage.

The constant focus on her and the judgement you have regarding her actions compared to your expectations will not only drive you crazy but will also keep you stuck in a negative paradigm and hinder your growth.

Let her go and live your life.

[luvhurts49]

I just wish I knew how to let her go. I really do want to be happy and I know I have to eventually get there in order to be the best dad I can be for my kids, but I just don't know how to let go of something that means so much to me.

[AprilT]

You just do....it's a choice.

We are all here for you....every moment, every day. Take it a minute at a time. Then an hour, then a day. Soon you won't have to remind yourself to breathe, or eat, or rest.