Get help from a Divorce Busting® Telephone Coach TODAY! We specialize in helping you get your marriage back on track, even when your spouse has one foot out the door. Don't be discouraged. We can help.
303-444-7004
or 800-664-2435
Page 11 of 13 < 1 2 ... 9 10 11 12 13 >
Topic Options
#2239947 - 04/22/12 10:08 PM Re: I guess I can be here now [Re: 25yearsmlc]
mmayre16 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/17/11
Posts: 291
There is so much, and I sincerely doubt I'll be able to address all of your responses, so please forgive me if I miss key points or things that people are specifically concerned about.

Yeah, I guess I've never stated my geographical location. I hail from the Big D. Everything really is bigger here wink I think the only thing that blatantly gives it away when I encounter someone is my use of the word "y'all".

Yes, I realize he's done nothing new... but the things that bothers me is the hiding. I mean, maybe I'm stupid, but I believed him when he said NOTHING happened. So it was like discovering something new that I didn't know about... because I really did not know about it. He would have blown a complete gasket if he found conversations like that in my email. I had to rid myself of male friends early in our relationship because he just couldn't handle it (and I had a LOT). But I gave them up at the time because I thought he was worth it. I wanted to make him feel comfortable. So I ditched them.

But I would NEVER have had conversations like I found with any of them.

Thank you for reminding me, 25, of his depression. It's like the blind leading the blind right now. We're both a mess. It's really, really hard to remember that.

I feel like a jerk for it, but as a T, I would HATE it when they would give me substance abuse clients. I very much felt like "um, they got themselves into this mess. I have very little sympathy".

That's kind of where I'm at with H's struggling. Don't be a douche. You wouldn't be feeling like this had you not been a huge douche.

But I know that kind of thinking won't get me anywhere either. And I know I have a tongue that can cut to the bone and I have used it multiple times on H. I don't use names (despite me calling him names on here), but I do have a special talent for making people feel about 3 inches tall. I don't unleash it often, but I've been told when I do, it's justified (and this is from the people who received the lashing, usually). I know this doesn't help the situation.

I don't know how to handle people who stick their heads in the sand and pretend this isn't happening. I can see H shutting down when I ask questions. It's his escape behavior.

When a child exhibits escape behavior at work, I just wait it out. Literally. For hours sometimes. Eventually they realize "this woman is NOT gonna give it up" and they cave.

But I know I'm not at work. I know he's not a child (although sometimes I wonder....). 25 has said it before. In some ways, my occupation makes hurts my situation more. I'm really good at my job. So NOT using the skills that make me awesome at my job is REALLY hard. And it makes me feel REALLY out of control. Which I hate.

Maybe I should email that thing to H about him being his own murderer. He seems to do better with text than in person. I know I do. Maybe it hurts him to see me fall apart.

He still won't cry in MC. Even though I can see it pooling up in his eyes. He will not show that emotion. And I don't know why. He was never that "men don't cry" guy.

I'm rambling.

He's in LA. Again. He left this morning. He'll be back Friday morning. I'm not happy about it, but he made a lot of effort to kiss me several times before leaving. I ran a 5k with D in the stroller this morning. It was nice to do that for myself.

Oh, and 25, I know I'll never REALLY know. It drives me crazy. If I could just know, I would feel so much better, even if I found out there was a PA. Then at least I would know the truth, and I could make a clear decision. It would be much more objective for me at that point. Because if this man can sleep with another woman while I'm pregnant because he can't stand me being in a vulnerable position, what will happen if I get cancer? When I have to deal with my parents dying? What will he do if our child gets sick? I know I can't be with someone who can't stand by my side in worst of situations.

So even if there was a PA, I want to know. So I can just cut the cord and be done. But I know I'll never really know.
_________________________
Me: 29
H: 31
D: 2
M: 5 years
T: 10 years
ILYBNILWY 2/28/11
I ask for trial separation: 6/3/11
H wants me home: 11/21/11
Found OW emails from 3/11: 3/12
Found pictures from 3/11: 9/12

Top
#2239949 - 04/22/12 10:18 PM Re: I guess I can be here now [Re: mmayre16]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
DIM... how would you counsel someone who was dealing with anger?

Top
#2239953 - 04/22/12 10:35 PM Re: I guess I can be here now [Re: ~ kd ~]
gabbysmom23 Online   content
Member

Registered: 03/31/08
Posts: 5109
Loc: NJ
Do you want him to admit to a PA as a way out for you?

The only answer you will ever believe I am afraid is "yes I had a PA". But it may not actually be the answer. He could be telling the truth that he did not have a PA. His saying he did is the only answer that comes out of his mouth you'll ever believe.

I'm curious as to what your gut is telling you about this.
Every woman has a gut feeling deep down inside about this.

But, and I am playing devils advocate here..... you do believe him, but him saying he did have a PA gives you a reason in your own head to cut the cord and escape the pain and anger you are feeling right now.

I could also be totally off base here, but it's something to think about.

Top
#2239955 - 04/22/12 10:37 PM Re: I guess I can be here now [Re: gabbysmom23]
gabbysmom23 Online   content
Member

Registered: 03/31/08
Posts: 5109
Loc: NJ
Let me rephrase that. Not to escape the pain and anger, but more justify the pain and anger and let you keep on feeling it without having to make it go away for the sake of your M.

Top
#2239967 - 04/22/12 11:42 PM Re: I guess I can be here now [Re: gabbysmom23]
mmayre16 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/17/11
Posts: 291
That's the thing: my gut tells me he slept with her.
_________________________
Me: 29
H: 31
D: 2
M: 5 years
T: 10 years
ILYBNILWY 2/28/11
I ask for trial separation: 6/3/11
H wants me home: 11/21/11
Found OW emails from 3/11: 3/12
Found pictures from 3/11: 9/12

Top
#2239971 - 04/23/12 12:28 AM Re: I guess I can be here now [Re: mmayre16]
gabbysmom23 Online   content
Member

Registered: 03/31/08
Posts: 5109
Loc: NJ
Does your gut tell you that it is something he is regretful for, too scared to admit in fear of losing you again and something he would never ever do again?

Or does your gut tell you that he is a sociopathic liar and would have no reservations to do this again?

Hey, I know more than anymore a guy who has an a when their wife is pregnant is the worst. Mine did it. But mine had no qualms leaving and continuing on to marry her.

But if he on his own decided to end it and I knew he was the type of guy who learned from his f up and was really sorry, I could have worked through it, maybe.

But mine was the one who is a sociopath and would do this to wife after wife.

But I believe their are guys who are truly remorseful. Realize the f d up big time and couldn't imagine hurting their wives again.

You need to decide which guy your h is. The. Work with that information, whether or not you hear he had a pa put of his mouth.

Top
#2240013 - 04/23/12 09:48 AM Re: I guess I can be here now [Re: gabbysmom23]
ESN Offline
Member

Registered: 03/18/11
Posts: 1566
DIM, Gabby's mom is spot on here.

And I will add. Again, that the truth will come out. It's whether you want to see it. From the sound of it, you already know it. Why are you covering it up?

Martha Beck talks about this in her new book - our Rhinos. We all have them. We have to face a Rhino at least once in our life, and our brain tells us it's going to kill us. Dead meat. But what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. Stronger than you can ever imagine.

Your emotions are there for a reason. You said it yourself you can't ignore them - even on meds. Even trying to push them away. And yet you talk about your H pushing HIS emotions away. Is that just pure projection?

(BTW, if you look up Apathy in the same book I mentioned - the Language of Emotions, you'll see it's the flipside of expressing anger). This is SUCH a common dynamic, especially in codependent relationships - you expressing, him repressing.

And when you feel like the "blind leading the blind" or that he's younger. He is. You both are acting out childhood stuff right now- all over the place.

Who is going to be in the adult place in charge of the show? (Do you know how to switch into your adult space and talk to the inner child)? It can help.

I say none of this to judge you but to put language to some of what you're describing to maybe help clarify some things.

But back to what GM is saying - you KNOW everything you need to know. You need the strength, the space, the fortitude and courage to deal with it.

My intuition told me from my first date PRECISELY what would happen with my Ex. I knew one day he would walk away saying "I can't do this anymore." And he did, three years later and a child together.

Trust what you know. And decide from that place of inner knowing what you need to do next.

We're all here for you.

Your wisdom is going to keep screaming at you and getting louder and louder - whether through more anger, more panic attacks, or more lash-outs, etc. until you stop and listen to what it needs to do/say.

Top
#2240017 - 04/23/12 09:51 AM Re: I guess I can be here now [Re: ESN]
ESN Offline
Member

Registered: 03/18/11
Posts: 1566
P.S., I know b/c this is a DBing forum, many will rush to your side to say they survived an affair, it can be done, you can do it to, you can "let go," etc. That's great - there is a lot of support. IN EITHER DIRECTION.

But ultimately you have to be the one to make the choice about what you know. You have this power, May. And it will teach you to trust yourself for the rest of your days.

Step back into your power and stop being a victim of the unknown. Know what you know. And decide what to do with your life and your marriage.

Top
#2240129 - 04/23/12 02:42 PM Re: I guess I can be here now [Re: ESN]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
Just one more thing from me regarding handling negative emotions, DIM...

Where perhaps you buried them in the past... or handled them in a less than healthy way... and yes... they will come up from time to time...

Not sure what your beliefs are regarding the human condition of being able to spontaneously modify one's emotions...

IF this is something that you consider accurate... you might practice changing your emotions on demand...

and secondly...

allocate specific (and appropriate) times and places to have your moments of sad... angry... frustrated...

what ever you need to work through and release those emotions... with a maximum time per "session" so that you don't go through your day in those negative emotions...

I used to do that at night, when I was by myself... those were the times I really allowed those emotions out which eventually lead to those emotions not erupting at inappropriate times...

and I knew those emotions were released over the specific context when I would try to get myself into the negative emotion... and there was nothing more... no more tears... no more anger... no more fear...

As always... just a thought...

Top
#2240138 - 04/23/12 03:04 PM Re: I guess I can be here now [Re: ~ kd ~]
ESN Offline
Member

Registered: 03/18/11
Posts: 1566
DIM, love what KD says here, you can read about this (sorry to keep drilling in this book) in Language of Emotions - she teaches you how to process your emotions, burn old contracts, strengthen your boundary, etc. All *within your own boundary* - so you feel the feelings and move through them without repressing or expressing outward (to others).

I know people who carry this book around like a bible. It's just a great reference to have on hand.

And it's a good way too to practice just being alone and processing and even starting to ask your intuition/self, what you need to do next, etc. rather than coming from a reactive place or looking outside yourself.

Top
Page 11 of 13 < 1 2 ... 9 10 11 12 13 >


Moderator:  Jack_Three_Beans, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004