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#2239814 - 04/22/12 04:23 AM Re: The Next Steps? [Re: ~ kd ~]
isittoolate Offline
Member

Registered: 11/17/11
Posts: 74
Loc: UK
Kaffe - Yes I do and have done since the bomb, but it is impossible to fix those intimate,physical, emotional needs of hers now that she is dead set on NOT working on our marriage.

To my bitter regret those first 4/5 emotional complaints, I did not heed throught the years when our marriage went from OK to wrong. I continuously negated her feelings and played them down....then she stopped complaining.....I didnt know how to fix those emotional needs of hers....i was paralysed by them. the only thing i fixed was me a little bit(weight loss, started running a bit, better clothes)

The problem is now if I do 'make a fuss' 'buy small gifts' make romantic gestures it is pursuing.

Back In Decemeber and January before she went cold again I did do the following - offered her foot massages (she accepted many times then refused when she went cold.

I also made her lunches (and put notes in'from the boys and me' -she appreciated them

I offered to wash her back when she had a bath (refused)

I tried to get her to go out to dinner - not interested - she will I only go to the movies

I offered to brush her hair (refused)


I have so many plans for romantic gestures, weekends away etc etc, BUT they all depend on her changing her mindset and wanting to WORK on the marriage. For instance, i would get a webcam so i can speak to the boys and her in the evening when I am working away from home - I dont want to do this now as it might seem that i accepting that we will be separated!

One thing i have decided to do is write postcards to her and the boys whenever I am away and also on the day I return home (5th May) - a small idea from another thread.
_________________________
Me 45 W 42
T 11 M 9
S7 S4
Bomb on 11/15/11
2nd Bomb on 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12
Moved back in 4/23/12
W wants to work on US 5/20/12 - Now Piecing!

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#2239816 - 04/22/12 04:26 AM Re: The Next Steps? [Re: isittoolate]
isittoolate Offline
Member

Registered: 11/17/11
Posts: 74
Loc: UK
sorry that last sentence doesnt make sense:

'One thing I have decided to do is write postcards to her and boys whenever I am away - a small idea from another thread.
_________________________
Me 45 W 42
T 11 M 9
S7 S4
Bomb on 11/15/11
2nd Bomb on 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12
Moved back in 4/23/12
W wants to work on US 5/20/12 - Now Piecing!

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#2239846 - 04/22/12 09:13 AM Re: The Next Steps? [Re: isittoolate]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
So ok, that's good. You are "fixing" the things that you can at the moment...

Those other things you can not do. Not right now. Not maybe... ever...

Do you think that things have been getting "better" between you and your W? What will life be like with you, when you move back?

What do you think it would take for your W... for ANY woman... to be receptive to these "plans" that you have...?

Just think about that for a moment...

Think about a woman you know... single... friend of yours... what would it take HER to be willing to open up to you and participate in your plans... someone who you are pretty sure does not think of you in any sort of romantic way...?

Those are the minimum things you would have to BE in order for that woman to open to your advances...

Now consider... your W isn't even there... in fact... she finds you kinda ugly and loathsome, right now...

So maybe... the metaphor might be like you trying to make advances on someone you haven't ever met...

What would need to happen between the two of you (you and this stranger) to even begin to think that she might be receptive to your future plans?

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#2239903 - 04/22/12 04:09 PM Re: The Next Steps? [Re: ~ kd ~]
isittoolate Offline
Member

Registered: 11/17/11
Posts: 74
Loc: UK
Kaffe: I will answer your thought provoking questions a little later

But for now : An interesting weekend:

I saw W and kids for 2 hours on Friday and didn’t really plan to see them again this weekend as W had ILs staying over and I didn’t want to see them – I’m too ‘embarrassed’.

Friday evening was OK, she made dinner again and complimented me on my new suit that I had bought in Edinburgh for a conference next week – my old one is too big! – She said it looked good on me and ‘took years off’ me.

She did mention further sorting our financial arrangements – which I am avoiding . She also bemoaned unexpected dental costs after a visit to the dentist.

I made a sharp exit as soon as the kids were in bed and she didn’t try to delay my exit in any way, but she did say ‘it was nice to see you’ in a Best friends kind of way and wished me well with my running. I have a minor injury to the right leg and planned to do 10 miles on Saturday morning with club.

We discussed Sunday. Her ILs were due to be out for 4 hours at the theatre so it had been suggested I might come round to the house ‘to see kids’. I had said I wasn’t sure what I would be doing – I might go for another hike with club – it was left open ended.

Come Sunday afternoon I got a phone message (the holiday cottage had no phone signal!). W asked if I wanted to come round. I didn’t reply for an hour or so and then said I would come over at 3pm.

I was there for 2 hours and a lot of the time was spent playing with the kids. There was no future talk or R talk and just a little small talk about the weekend and arrangements for the following weekend – she didn’t ask at all about my weekend (other than the running) and I didn’t moan about my holiday cottage (no TV and no phone signal!)

The kids wanted to play ‘Dinosaurs’. Mummy dinosaur grabs them and tries to eat them and Daddy dinosaur tries to rescue them. sometimes this is reversed. It felt a bit weird playing it as there is usually some tickling and rough and tumble on the sofa. It took a while before I could fully join in but I got there in the end.

It ended early when W got a little squashed by me! She said her back hurt( she does get backache) so I got boys to kiss her better. 'wake sleeping beauty with a kiss'

W then sat down and read newspaper whilst I played 'building towers' with S4 and S7.

I planned to make a slightly sudden exit and said goodbye to the boys : S4 said ‘ Daddy I don’t want you to go’ – my heart wrenched.

W had by this time joined in the tower building (she can be very competitive) and said ‘ aren’t you going to stay and see my tower…..that comment made me a leave a little faster LoL!
_________________________
Me 45 W 42
T 11 M 9
S7 S4
Bomb on 11/15/11
2nd Bomb on 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12
Moved back in 4/23/12
W wants to work on US 5/20/12 - Now Piecing!

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#2239906 - 04/22/12 05:00 PM Re: The Next Steps? [Re: isittoolate]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
good show...

maybe her back got hurt... or maybe it was an excuse for her because she felt she was getting too comfortable with you...

only she knows that answer...

So again, the prior questions and...

What meaning did you take from this exchange?

What do you think you did "right"?

What do you think you did "wrong"?

Do you think it helped, hurt, or had no effect FOR YOU...?

Answer the above in the context of you, only...

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#2239973 - 04/23/12 12:38 AM Re: The Next Steps? [Re: ~ kd ~]
isittoolate Offline
Member

Registered: 11/17/11
Posts: 74
Loc: UK
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
good show...

maybe her back got hurt... or maybe it was an excuse for her because she felt she was getting too comfortable with you...

only she knows that answer...

So again, the prior questions and...

What meaning did you take from this exchange?That W is trying to keep things as normal as possible for the kids.


What do you think you did "right"?
I joined in the right spirit of the play, we had some laughs and fun,kids enjoyed it, I enjoyed it, W seems to enjoy it.



What do you think you did "wrong"?
I shouldn't try to think about things before joining in, it leads to less spontaneous play


Do you think it helped, hurt, or had no effect FOR YOU...?It helped...I slept easier last night...i was pleased the exchange was on my terms



Answer the above in the context of you, only...
_________________________
Me 45 W 42
T 11 M 9
S7 S4
Bomb on 11/15/11
2nd Bomb on 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12
Moved back in 4/23/12
W wants to work on US 5/20/12 - Now Piecing!

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#2239977 - 04/23/12 12:58 AM Re: The Next Steps? [Re: ~ kd ~]
isittoolate Offline
Member

Registered: 11/17/11
Posts: 74
Loc: UK
Do you think that things have been getting "better" between you and your W?

It’s a little hot and cold, but Yes, for sure,she has noticed changes in me and the two most important are my behavioural changes,,,,no more passive/aggressive behaviour, and no more sitting in my cave. She vents a lot more about work pressures and I listen. She sees my R with kids getting better and better. They have given me more unsolicited hugs and affection in the last 4 months than the last 2 years combined.

What will life be like with you, when you move back?

I guess she will inquire as to when I will be finding more permanent accommodation away from home, I will stall for a week or two (to give me time to ‘seduce’ her a bit more without her going negative towards me). I want her to see a contrast between the minimal contact of the 4 weeks separation and the daily contact when I move back in. NB I will be ‘commuting’ to a local job during May so will be home every night even weekdays. She will probably then go negative , I am expecting it.

What do you think it would take for your W... for ANY woman... to be receptive to these "plans" that you have...?

I need to be like one of those guys girls ask for on dating websites: Easy-going, good sense of humour, good looking (tick wink ), well dressed (tick :)), fun loving, not needy, I need to be like I was BEFORE we dated….we met at work,

Just think about that for a moment...

Think about a woman you know... single... friend of yours... what would it take HER to be willing to open up to you and participate in your plans... someone who you are pretty sure does not think of you in any sort of romantic way...?

I guess our interactions need to be more humorous, less stilted, always care free, more banter, flirty!

Those are the minimum things you would have to BE in order for that woman to open to your advances...

Now consider... your W isn't even there... in fact... she finds you kinda ugly and loathsome, right now...

So maybe... the metaphor might be like you trying to make advances on someone you haven't ever met...

What would need to happen between the two of you (you and this stranger) to even begin to think that she might be receptive to your future plans?

All of the above…..especially the humour and being more flirty.
_________________________
Me 45 W 42
T 11 M 9
S7 S4
Bomb on 11/15/11
2nd Bomb on 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12
Moved back in 4/23/12
W wants to work on US 5/20/12 - Now Piecing!

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#2240175 - 04/23/12 04:38 PM Re: The Next Steps? [Re: isittoolate]
isittoolate Offline
Member

Registered: 11/17/11
Posts: 74
Loc: UK
So this week I will not initiate any contact until Friday when I will ring to say what time I will be arriving at our house to see the kids. I cant have the kids at my temporary accommodation as it is v. small with one bedroom.

Anyway, today W rang she to say she had received a forwarded email from mutual friends in London who are holding a joint 40th/50th Bday celebration on 11th May.

She offered to let me go before her.

NB they friends are mutual but I have known them longer than her and the email would have found its way to me sooner or later.

I accepted the offer.

It is very likely that she would have tried to go if I had turned down the offer (at the sametime asking me to babysit the kids) so I have to take this in the spirit it was intended - a kind offer.

I know that she does care about me - but its in a best friend sort of way.

I could probably list 10 or more ways she has been kind,caring, attentive to me since I 'agreed' to move out - and none of a cake-eating, controlling, manipulative way.

But I can also list 5/6 ways that she seems to be easing me 'down the road'.
_________________________
Me 45 W 42
T 11 M 9
S7 S4
Bomb on 11/15/11
2nd Bomb on 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12
Moved back in 4/23/12
W wants to work on US 5/20/12 - Now Piecing!

Top
#2240181 - 04/23/12 05:07 PM Re: The Next Steps? [Re: isittoolate]
scaredsilly Offline
Member

Registered: 01/12/12
Posts: 1219
so...ease on down the road to the party, have a great time, and GAL!
_________________________
M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing


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#2240185 - 04/23/12 05:19 PM Re: The Next Steps? [Re: isittoolate]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8686
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Thought I'd bring this over here.
Quote:
dont want to hijack the thread but what if the WAW is:

cold,distant, uncommunicative, answering with short pointed responses...do I chase that cheeseless tunnel with 'open' questions....or GAL...or do both.

NB I would be acting 'As if' etc

....in this sitch we are living together but she wants ME to move out and her to live in our house with kids.


Do you want to move? If not, I would stay there. If she's the one who wants to make a change, she can make the change.

About the communication,it's probably best if you only communicate about the children. Stay out of her space as much as possible, let her heal, let you heal.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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