Detached, but not Broken-a diary of a LRT

[2thepoint]

It is very hard to come to the conclusion that an intelligent, driven, successful guy as myself, voluntarily married into white trash. That's what I did and that's why I am here. I was suckered in by a pretty face and some off the charts sexual moves and glossed over a lot of red flags and negatives as a result of that. I should have never married this woman, and it has cost me dearly. She pushed extremely hard to get married, and now I see why, she got what she wanted, and now she's out. Such is life, but nothing like this will ever happen to me again.

So don't look once folks, look once, twice, three times for making that leap because you may end up with a snake like I did. Good luck to all in your respective sitch's!

So tell us why you are posting here again?

[Broken74]

Mainly to vent at this point 2the point. I plan to update when there is some movement from her as it will be interesting to see where she is. It will also be interesting to see if she ever shows any remorse for her actions as to how they have affected both myself and her children.

I sill have love for this woman despite everything that has gone on, and the only logical way I can come to terms with it is to realize that it was a huge mistake.

I also posted to serve as a warning to others to know who you are getting in bed with, because as numerous sitches on here prove, what you think you are getting versus what you actually get can be two different things entirely.

I am certainly not trying to "bring down" the community with the fact that my sitch is most likely unrecoverable. Unfortunately that is the reality of my sitch right now. There are 5 months that need to pass before the divorce can be filed, so who knows what will happen between now and then.

[Broken74]

Man, I made it 23 days without a massive screwup, I think that's personal best! But when I go down, I go down in flames. I'll continue to journal here from time to time as a give-back exercise for DB's in the future NOT to do.

So I had been a few weeks no contact, and Friday afternoon she hits me up out of the blue, I waited until Sunday afternoon to respond with "what's up". No response from her. As I come back from my weekend trip I can see that she has been playing all of this woe is me/I want him back type music on my streaming music service that I never changed the password on so she can still use it. So mind reading at it's best takes over since I'm an idiot, and I logically thing most of these songs are projecting her thoughts toward me.

So what better action for me to take than PERSUE PERSUE PERSUE right? I sent her an e-card yesterday with no response, and then another one today and she called and the conversation started off pleasant and lighthearted. Then she goes down the road of would it be better if she doesn't respond or can we be adults about this etc. I explained when I saw what she was listening to it made me think and reach out to her, to which she responded she isn't thinking about anyone when she is listening to these songs that she just likes the music. I say fair enough and I will cease and desist. NOTE TO READERS MIND READING IS THE DEVILS WORKSHOP

Of course I am significantly spun up at this point. So I text to ask why did she contact me out of the blue on Friday and the following ensued:

Her: Only to talk about the car

Me: Fair enough, what about the car? Can we talk taxes too, eg your educational expenses and 9 months of daycare expenses. I filed an extension.

Her: I've already filed taxes. You get nothing for daycare because you have no dependents. If it makes you feel better I didn't get much back.

Me: Crazy how that works. I'm paying because I changed my witholding to put every dime I made toward your surgery debt. cest la vie I guess. Your educational expenses were billed to my credit cards, as was the match.com laptop supposedly for school. So what about the car?

Her: You are such an evil and immature person.

Me: I am evil and immature because your actions put ME over 30k in debt? How much debt do you have W? YOU bought a laptop on mycredit, opened a match.com account on it and THEN had an affair, and I am evil and immature? And then you stuck me with EVERY IOTA of EVERY BILL? Forget the taxes, I'll eat those too, if you can live with yourself I can live with the debt. What is the plan to close on the car? If you're available I can pick up my stuff from your house the weekend of mothers day.

Her: See why I don't respond to you... because this is what I have to deal with. Send me a date and time you'll be picking up your stuff and I'll try to be here. I HELPED PAY THE BILLS!!! Unless it's about you picking up your things, please don't contact me. There's nothing more to say.

Me: I express my love to you in every way I know how, and you consistently kick me in the face. After I forgive you in everything and did everything in my power to make things right. What about the car?

Her: And every time you follow up with your abusive statements and BS, only confirming that I'm doing the right thing.

Me: You continue to crush my heart for no reason when I was doing nothing but be nice to you.

Her: I can't finance a private party loan. I doubt you'll want to take it over, so the only thing I know to do is list it for sale. Is that ok with you?

Me: What did it hurt that I sent you an ecard yesterday and today? Really you had to call and tell me that was too much? Reread and tell me what is abusive and bs by the way. I realize that you feel guilty, but please don't spin it around and project that on me. Can you take the car and get an estimate on the damage and trade in value?

Her: Already did. $800 to repair the bumper. $17000 trade in.

Me: The logical move is to keep making the car payment, that is a no win situation for now, and I can't afford any further losses. We can put something in writing if you want.

Her: I will list it for sale and hope it sells while I'm making payments. I want no connection to you.

Me: I apologize I forced your dream car on you W. Me and my crazy wanting to make your dreams come true. Unconditional love is a crazy thing. I wish you would have had it for me.

Her: If the way you talk to me is unconditional love then I don't want anyone to ever love me again.

Me. I apologize if something I said hurt your feelings. What was it exactly? I poured my heart out to you earlier and you pulverized it! That HURT me to the core and made some of my statements pointed but nothing more. I am sorry and I LOVE YOU! Look at my actions recently not these words.

Her: Leave me alone. You still need help

Me: I need the support of my wife is all I need, that's really all I needed all along but that was the tough road. I apologize for airing my frustration, but I didn't say anything overtly hurtful or mean to you. If you disagree please point it out so I can understand. I'm sorry, I have forgiven you for all of our past and have nothing but love for you and hope for us.

So in summary:

1) So much for detachment
2) So much for any progress I may have made in the past three weeks, which was apparently none.
3) So much for me showing forgiveness since I keep up bringing up the old BS.
4) So much for controlling my anger after 13 weeks of DV classes because I still got spun up over this episode.


I continue to talk to friends about my situation. It seems that the recurring theme, is that the W throwing me in jail thing is a deal breaker in 90% of listeners. I honestly thought I was detached until I saw the music list and MIND READ until I BLEW EVERYTHING.

Obviously I am still of the thought we will be getting divorced in August. I haven't really been back here because it fuels my anxiety somewhat. My folks and everyone who has heard this situation outside of this forum has advised me to move on.

Damn I wish I could...

Good luck to all in your respective sitch's, I will try to get up and comment although obviously no one is in need of my advice lol

[~ kd ~]

yeah... seems that didn't go so well...

but hey! 23 days without a massive screw up!

look, broken... you're fixing yourself and from what I read THEN to what I read now... you're a heck of a lot better...

Some wild thoughts in your head that migrate to your brain when they prolly shouldn't... so keep working on that... and get to working on stopping those thoughts...

We all want to see our spouses reaching out to us or suggestions that they are thinking about us... so we will pretend they exist, even if they don't... or worse... we will act on something that actually was accurate, only to have them deny it... and there's no way to know if we actually made a "right" guess...

which is why we say, the LBS SHOULD NOT MIND READ!

It ain't over unless you want to listen to the folks who tell you to move on...

And you can choose to move on, but you can keep working on you and be open to what ever may happen in the future... whether it has to do with a new love (with the benefit of your new, better self) or... some other person... you know...?

[Broken74]

Thanks Kaffe,

You're right man, the mind reading was my Waterloo. I am still mind reading but the list was so scattered and the themes so much the same I think she is denying it. The old me would deny her from the service but I'm not going to do that. I'll continue contributing to my stepkids 529k's instead, for them not for her.

I'm very disappointed in myself that I didn't handle this the right way. The ecards were bad enough but obviously I shouldn't have taken her phone call. I am in a much better place than I started here, largely in part to you guys feedback. I am very busy with many gal activities including courting a few very attractive and successful ladies. They know my situation in that the book isn't closed so I'm just enjoying my freedom for now.

The thing that I know is despite my flippant nature on here due to the hurt of the day, is that I truly love my wife and stepkids. I have effectively "got my mojo" back, know that I am going to be successful and happy regardless of this outcome, and that I will land with a more than wonderful woman, first choice being my wife, as there a few pining for me now.

But all that said, I wish my W would show up on my doorstep tonight wanting to talk. Hell she could be engaged to the OM for all I know, I haven't seen her since February. Haven't really thought about that until my tirade today. Maybe that's progress!

I know I'm going to get some 2x4 for dating, but as far as I'm concerned I wouldnt be gal without doing so.

Thanks again Kaffe and good luck to all in your respective sitch's!

[Broken74]

So it's time for the 4th quarter push for me. 4 months and 8 days until the eligible filing date.

I had a good dialogue with one of my mentors yesterday and he really helped me out:

From my mentor:

I was thinking this afternoon. A rare occurrence.

What you described fits exactly the purpose of the law to require a year of separation before a divorce is final.

The purpose of the separation is to allow the husband and wife enough time to see if they can reconcile.

The things that you are doing for your wife and step children fit perfectly with the intent of the law.

No matter what the outcome is at the end of the year (or whatever time it turns out to be), you will be able to look yourself in the mirror and say "I gave it my best shot. I didn't give up on the possibility of saving our marriage."

It also seems to me that if you didn't do what you feel is right and the marriage ends, you might end up kicking yourself for not doing the things that you are doing.

I am not trying to give you advice, but just some insight to what may be going on "behind the scenes of your emotions and logic".

When God turns us into a caring critter instead of a self serving CAD, a lot of things happen that don't seem logical or normal. Maybe that is at work, too.

My response:

The thing that I am having a hard time getting my head around is, given everything that she has done and given the way she has treaded me in spite of the things I've done, is logically why am I even trying anymore. I have forgiven her in my heart but regardless of that I have not been able to forget and when she hurts me I bring up her wrongdoings which I have to stop doing, especially since I say I have forgiven her.

Either of us is eligible to file for divorce on August 27th. I've decided today that I'm going to put the amount of her car payment into a 529k for the kids up to the point if and when she decides to officially file the divorce. I can afford to do it, and I know that she loves her kids more than she loves herself so I can't think of any better way to show the sincerity of my heart since she has no desire to spend time with me.

Then the fact that I am involved with other women complicates matters. I originally started things up as a way to try and make my wife jealous to no avail, and now I am starting to have feelings when I should be concentrating on our marriage. I am really trying to live right but am still failing in a myriad of ways. I pray everyday for my wifes heart to change and have been since this started to no avail. I still go the Lambs Chapel in XXX for both Sunday services usually hoping that she and the kids will eventually show up there also to no avail thusfar.

I've been dealing with this personal hell for basically 8 months so I can certainly make it another 4. And you're right, I can honestly say that I've done everything that I could do, regardless of what happens. I know I'll be fine and eventually happy either way.

Mentor's response:

I guess from my own experience, forgiving and forgetting are two different sides of the same coin.

I suspect it will be extremely difficult to ever forget the things that happened. Forgiving them means you are not "holding her hostage" or "trying to get back at her" or "trying to get her to live or be a certain way". The scars from bad behavior are permanent. The importance of the event can diminish over time but the memory probably will remain.

Part of forgiving and accepting what happened, may be the aspect of "can I trust her in the future to not do the same things?"

It is all pretty complicated. The 8 months you can gone through is proof of the complexity.

So in summary, this is my final game plan:

1) Back to LRT/no contact unless she initiates and NO REACTIONS/WALK AWAY when she pushes my buttons. I have yet to be successful in the latter.
2) Prove my forgiveness by NEVER BRINGING UP HER PAST INDESCRETIONS AGAIN.
3) I am contributing $400 a month into my stepchildrens 529k's with no expectations. I am still married, they are still my stepkids, I love them and I am happy to do this out of the kindness of my heart with no expectations. I set W up as the administrator of the plans which proves my sincerity in this action.
4) I GAL everyday I basically have no free or idle time. Work is going well, golf leagues and basketball are in effect, and I catch up with friends on a daily basis. I have female companionship if desired although I have decided I am going to tone that down to see how this last scene plays out.

I know I am not still fully detached because of my reactions on Monday. Still working on that piece. I can't think of any better way to show my unconditional love for them by trying to help with my stepchildrens future. I know she loves them more than she does herself, so I am bypassing her and projecting my unconditional love straight to them with no expectations. I can't think of anything else I can do since she still is cold toward talking/seeing me or allowing me to spend time with the kids.

I know I am going to be ok either way, and I am prepared to served papers in August. I can go to sleep at night knowing that I've left it all on the floor and did the best I could to save my marriage.

Can anybody think of a better plan or have constructive feedback on this approach?

Thanks in advance for any feedback and good luck to all of you in your respective sitch's!

[~ kd ~]

Forgive? Of course...

Forget...? Well, time may actually create a life where the moment of the memory is quite dim... but never forget the lesson... for without the learning... might require a re-audit...

A lesson that I feel many here are want to learn is that while our M does not define us and our spouse is free to make their own choices and our children are the most important thing as we recover and save ourselves...

There is nothing more important than our relationship with our partner... whether we R our M... or we enter a new R...

We may forget that unconditional love is limitless...

the capabilities of two people working together is greater than the sum of the individual(s) parts... and the children can benefit exponentially because of that...

[Broken74]

Thanks Kaffe! I appreciate your feedback.

I agree and suffice to say I think I have definitely learned my lesson(s) in this regard.

The thing about the kids at this point is as much as I would love to treat them as my own, they are my stepchildren not by biological children(side note I have no children of my own). That dynamic makes things harder in this case, as although I've asked to spend time with them she doesn't allow that to happen because she doesn't want them confused. My oldest SS wanted to play tennis a few weeks ago but W wasn't on board with that.

So the only card I have left is my unconditional love. I want to give them my time and attention but that is now allowed. The only thing I could think to do was to show caring for them by investing in their future, because that's something I can afford to do without any "OK" from her. I am doing this with no expectations which is a good thing because she hasn't acknowledged anything I've set up as yet, and that is totally fine by me. I hope she does send me the car/insurance payment soon since that is due on the 26th...

At any rate, any other thoughts from anyone as to if this is a good or bad idea? It is not a 180 for me because I have always been very giving toward them, and in a way it is like I am force feeding cake because I can't think of any other way to prove my unconditional love since we are not seeing or speaking to each other at all. Does anyone think this is a stupid idea?

In other news I had a tremendously enjoyable and relaxing weekend and hope everyone else here did the same. Good luck to all of you in your respective sitch's! :-)

[~ kd ~]

My D14 is legally my child, whom I've known and raised as my own for 12 years... yet like you, it remains that I am not her bio father and will never replace that person, no matter how much he is or is not part of her life or is or is not a positive role model in my or other's opinions...

I have seen many step parents counter-mine a child's bio parents and the results appear harmful to all parties. Heck... this happens between bio parents, as well...

We can attempt to protect our children throughout their lives from all evils... but unless we can keep them in a bubble... there's nothing we can do to prevent life from having an affect on them... because what we can control from one vector... can get to them by any of the millions of other vectors...

The best we can do... whether they are our bio, legal, or step children...

Is to love them unconditionally... and at minimum provide for them their basic needs... and be the best mentor and support that we can be... when and if they need. Even a bio child around, for sure beginning around their teen years... are absolutely sure that in many, if not most of their thoughts and beliefs and actions... are right...

Love them unconditionally... and there for your them when life nails them... and all will be good in the world...

Yes, providing financially for them... for their future... is a great idea. Although my only thought on that is that it is money... not love... it is an ACT of love, sure... but it is not a replacement for love...

Also, if there are any public events that you are free to attend, that your kids are attending or participating in... be there for them. Even if they are not aware that you are... because it is a great, parental thing to do...

Once they are adults, your relationship with them is between you and them... that will be up to you to nurture and maintain into the future and theirs to allow or deny...

[Broken74]

Thanks again Kaffe, you always put things into perspective and in very eloquent fashion.

I do wish I could do other things to show them love, but because of my W actions my hands are tied at this point. When HS football season starts up I am planning to go to some of the games to support my oldest SS who is in the band. Ironically I had taken him and my other SS to a band competition the night I found out about W affair. Man you are right forgiving is one thing but forgetting another entirely, it is crazy how many things bring that to the forefront of my mind. Still working that piece...

So I am just going to keep on keeping on. 58 days until summer and I will be 20lbs lighter at least by then. Bring it on!!!

Thanks again and have a good week! :-)