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#2239146 - 04/19/12 10:21 AM It is me again. Screwed up again.
par4me Offline
Member

Registered: 10/05/05
Posts: 404
Been here. I used the theorys and got my wife back although I wouldn't marry her unless she stopped her addiction(I went and picked her up from om house when she od 3 years ago). You don't have to read my older posts, they are kind of embarrassing. She never quit taking pills. I didn't continue my loving ways and things went back to death again. I got her back, used my money to buy her pills(I know that was wrong), lost my job, got a DWI and had a midlife crisis (depressed badly)all soon after I got her back.
Well, now I have gotten another job with a house and bills paid(i am a golf pro), my wife had a job a the course but got fired last summer, she was arrested 4 times and had to move. The city put a restraining order against her. She moved in with her parents who tried to stop the drugs. They pretty much do not like her. They have custody of her child now. I thought about it and broke off the relationship Feb 15th when she screamed at me to get her pills which I would not do. She chased me and begged me back and talked me into visiting her last wed. We had sex and then she started begging me to marry her again, I am sure to get her out of her parents house. Said she needed secruity. Said she would stop the pills and get a job. I caught her in a lie about another man friday (went on a trip with 1st other man to see her father, said she went by herself)and would not go get her for the weekend (she has no car) somehow she went out and met someone else and moved in with him over the weekend. They left the state on some kind of a vacation. I sure he has drugs for her but I don't really know. She called and said that she met someone new and my heart sank and I have been sad ever since. Why, you ask-I don't know. I know that she is a bad person. This is a true story, I swear it. She looks so sweet and innocent but I know that she is an addict and a liar. She has stolen from me, sold my stuff for drugs. I have a friend and a mother that I talk to about this but writing on this board really helps. I think that I still love the girl even though I know she is bad for me. I had a problem with calling her names when I get mad at her before and I know that is my bad. I am sad and really just want to stop hurting. I know that this is a divorce busting board but I need some help getting over my ex. I have her on my insurrance which I pay for as my wife. I have to get a divorce for the insurance company to take her off. She has to take about $500 worth of meds a month to live. She will never be able to pay for them without the insurance, but the new guy can pay. I was doing fine until I had sex with her. I was actually considering getting back together with her. This just blindsided me. I sound dumb but I have my Masters degree. What is wrong with me. Why can I not let her go?

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#2239151 - 04/19/12 10:37 AM Re: It is me again. Screwed up again. [Re: par4me]
par4me Offline
Member

Registered: 10/05/05
Posts: 404
I packed up some of her stuff and took it to her parents house yesterday. They did not want it and told me to sell or throw away the rest of her stuff so I am stuck with it. I know the steps-focus on my own life, become a better person and I am starting but dang it. I think I have an addiction to this person. I can't live with her and I am sad as hell without her. Co-dependent. I am not suicidal like I was last time we broke up but still sad. I know time will help. I need something quicker. I can remind myself of the bad things only so many times a day to keep myself from missing her. She was so mean the other day when she called(she was with new man). I ask her how the heck she could have sex with me wed and move in with someone else two days later. She hung up. He could hear what I was saying. She will lie and say it wasn't true. But I don't understand how she could do that. Beg me to marry her and two days later hook up with someone else. She says he treats her with respect and she is going to marry him. That she wasted the last 11 years of her life with me. That stuff really hurts me and I don't know why. I can read my own posts and know that I should be happy as a lark that she is gone but I am not. I am emotional. I am not ugly and can get other dates. I just don't want to and I know that I am not ready.

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#2239154 - 04/19/12 10:47 AM Re: It is me again. Screwed up again. [Re: par4me]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2509
Loc: Piney Land
Sorry you find yourself here again. if she is activelly using pills she aint thinking clearly or at all. What pills does she abuse? Time to re read DR I think.
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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#2239156 - 04/19/12 10:51 AM Re: It is me again. Screwed up again. [Re: par4me]
par4me Offline
Member

Registered: 10/05/05
Posts: 404
I don't contact her. I don't know how. I blocked her from my facebook and I don't look at hers. She puts things on there to hurt me. She says that the only time that I pay her any attention or act like I care is when I think she likes someone else. Then, I come running back. Well, I don't want to do that this time. I don't like that loop and I am better than that. I wanted to spend my life with this person but she had to make some changes and she was just not willing to do it. I just wanted the pills to quit and for her to get a job. Any job. She used to teach but she can't anymore because of the drugs. Why do people miss someone even though they know that they are bad. Yeah, she is attractive and has a good body and can be really sweet. She can really talk a good game. Her parents say that she is a master manipulator(sp) which I guess is true. I wanted to believe that she wanted only me, wanted to grow old with me and couldn't live without me. I just can't make myself except the truth. She uses me. And, she will be back. She always comes back. I want to be mentally and emotionally prepared to keep her away from me.How do you do that. I haven't found a book or website on that. How do you become a stronger person and quit loving someone that I do thinks loves me but she doesn't love herself and certainly doesn't care about me. She even left her child with her parents (told me the child was in good hands). I think that is awful. It seems like I am in another bad dream.

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#2239157 - 04/19/12 10:53 AM Re: It is me again. Screwed up again. [Re: Rick1963]
par4me Offline
Member

Registered: 10/05/05
Posts: 404
hydrocodon, soma and pretty much any prescription drug that she can. You are right. She is not thinking clearly. She does this all the time. She goes awhile being good and then she falls off the wagon and does the strangest things like got married to a guy she just met, wreaked 5 cars and gets arrested.

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#2239165 - 04/19/12 11:09 AM Re: It is me again. Screwed up again. [Re: par4me]
AprilT Offline
Member

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 127
Loc: Georgia
Par--to answer your question about how to let someone you love go...you just do. You wake up and say I deserve more, I want more, and dang it, I am worthy of being loved. When we get so sucked in to the other's world, we lose sight of what is right and healthy for us. I don't have all the right answers, I just know what I need and want from a relationship.

Hope it helps a little.

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#2239170 - 04/19/12 11:25 AM Re: It is me again. Screwed up again. [Re: AprilT]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
Par... not sure if you've maybe looked at it this way...

While she has an addiction... and you DO appear to understand that as much as you care about her, you cannot save her... that is something only she can do...

that you TOO have an addiction... which is her...

And so while you know it's not good to enable her... you continue to do so.

I haven't read, but have you checked out any groups such as Al-Anon or coda meetings?

She looked again to you to get her fix... however that might work for you... including begging you to take her back and be in a R again... even having sex with you... (that's called "whoring" BTW)... and when you laid down your boundaries, as you mention, sounds like she got her fix elsewhere...

She sounds deep in it and on a real wild ride right now. And as you describe it, while it may not be outwardly as dramatic as you describe it... it certainly is inwardly, to you... to her... and to anyone who involved with her...

We had one tragedy here last year when a member's spouse committed suicide. No matter how much the member was on suicide watch or knew of the possibility... it happened... I don't want to scare you because there's nothing you could do about preventing it... I'm just trying to point out to you that her death could be a possible outcome of this tragic life she is living...

Save yourself, my friend... start with you... what can you do to pick yourself up and get yourself and your life on an emotionally healthy track?

We can't help or support someone else, if we aren't healthy and stable ourselves...

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#2239197 - 04/19/12 12:13 PM Re: It is me again. Screwed up again. [Re: ~ kd ~]
par4me Offline
Member

Registered: 10/05/05
Posts: 404
Yes, Yes, that was a good post. I would agree that I too have an addiction or co-dependance on the need for her to love me. If anything I am downplaying the extremites in her life right now. She is out of control and has no where to go. She is not acting herself at all but I have seen this behavior from her before and it usually ends up with an OD. (5 or 6 times)
I don't particurely enjoy being around her when we are together. She really annoys me much of the time. And sometimes it is great. When I broke it off this time I was doing pretty good because she was begging me back. Well, she went and got another man and now I have done a 180 and I want to beg. I am not. I sent 2 emails a couple of days ago(wrong to do I know). But that will not happen again. I will not have contact with her again. I have to go cold turkey. My addiction is just as bad as hers. It is just as self distructive. I can't eat, work, or do anything without worrying. She might do the suicide thing but I am more likely. Don't worry. I am doing ok right now. But I am very scared that I might start to spiral out of control which I have done in the past. Things just eat me up until I just almost go crazy. I am really scared about it. If I am on this site than things are getting bad for me.

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#2239209 - 04/19/12 12:34 PM Re: It is me again. Screwed up again. [Re: par4me]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
Hey, take care of yourself... sometimes called "self soothing" in what ever works for you... that is healthy... go for walks, go to a movie theatre... a concert... just go for coffee with a friend...

I remember seeing your nic in archives, but don't remember and can't see above... what should I call "her"? Your W? Your X? what would you prefer?

Anyhow, I'll use X for this post.

Take your X out of the equation:

What do you find attractive in people, in general?
What do you find attractive in women?
You are a golf pro? What do you do for FUN!? I mean something that really gets your adrenaline pumping?
Do you have hobbies?
What do you find unattractive in people, in general?
What do you find unattractive in women?

BTW, if you are on this site... then thing are getting BETTER for you... smile

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#2239214 - 04/19/12 12:55 PM Re: It is me again. Screwed up again. [Re: ~ kd ~]
par4me Offline
Member

Registered: 10/05/05
Posts: 404
More like self loothing is what I am doing. You are exactly why I came to this site. The little words of encouragement that you give help so much. It is much easier not looking someone in the eye that I know and saying I still have feelings for this girl then it is to say that to someone that knows us. Because, I am not biased or being mean when I say she has some of the worst problems, caused me the worst problems of anybody on this earth. She really cares about only herself but can make me believe anything. Others see right through her. Her own parents and brothers hate her. I have been bailing her out of trouble for 11 years. It is my addiction that I have to quit or it is going to take me down and down badly.

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