Read your post #1888720 from 12/07/09. This was two years ago. In this post you said that even back then he liked his alone time and you were pushing for more.
You are simply not compatible with this man. There is nothing wrong with wanting what you want and going out and finding a man who also wants to spend time with you as you do with him. You cannot change this man and you have been trying to do it for two years now.
I warned you not to push to move in together two years ago. Moving in together did not fix the problem. The only solution to the problem is to find someone else who wants to spend time with you. This man is a loner and you will never be happy with him. Be glad you did not get married. The whole purpose of dating is to see if you fit with someone. You do not fit with this man and have known it from the start.
Please sunshine stop doing this to yourself! I care about you and want you to be happy but this is not the way.
Me45 H45 D13 S10 together-23 years married-21 years MLC Divorced 10/3/07 Married to a wonderful new man.
Renee,why is it that you think you need a man in your life???? You have come such a long long way from when we first came here.But I think you went looking for love way too quickly...you never gave your heart time to heal and now here you are sounding like the old Renee again..... Let him go....you deserve to be truly loved YOU DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG except give your heart away, now to 2 different men. Stay away from men for right now...it really isn't so bad being alone w/o a man in your life...there is so much to do.....instead of giving your time to Jeremy let God have some of your time...only he can give you peace,comfort,and all that comes with him.....J will not heal your heart, especially him treating you they way he does like he is doing you a favor by loving? you..... Seek God and let J go, he obviously has some issues which you dont need..... TAKE TIME TO HEAL.......much Love Irma
Hey guys! Sorry it took so long to get back to this thread.
I wanted to keep it going because I need help and advice.
Most of you say I come across as needy. Can you tell me some of the things I do or say that would make you lead to that conclusion. I know I am needy but would love to see what you guys say. Because apparently I am not realizing what I am doing.
He is a very kind hearted man but can also be Controlling.
If you know this, and simply tolerate it for the sake of the R, you either like it or are dependent upon the R. Think he'll change for you?
He has moved quite a bit in the past, taking promotions (gov.). He has only stayed in one state for over 3 yrs. and that was the state I am in.
Knew it going in
He had/has a hard time adjusting to living with someone. He enjoys his space to an extreme. (He is an introvert).
Still expecting a change?
My fear is nothing will change.
HELLLLOOO
He has NO idea when and if he will get to come home and maybe he will have to move even further away. He isnt ready to marry and neither am I really. he isnt staying in the state he is in, so I am not moving there and he doesnt want me to unless i get my own place. He feels like we should have never moved in together and doesnt want to again unless we are married. He says he is just mot ready for that.
I really dont know what to do. There are times, like tonight, on the phone with him, that I want him to tell me if he is coming home soon, but he cant. I dont want this to go on forever. Not knowing is miserable. At any time he could move even further away. I dont want to push him and ask over and over gain. What do I do? Just sit back and wait on him to come home or move further away?
Maybe I let myself get into a relationship too soon after my divorce. I dont think I gave myself time to heal. I love this man and dont want to be hurt again. I just want to be happy.
Sunshine, you answered all your own questions. If you are not happy now, and you apparently aren't, why do you think things are going to improve with someone who moves away from you, doesn't want you to live with him, and only sees you as 'a convenience'
Yes I knew he had moved BUT I thought since he wanted to buy a house in MY hometown THAT meant something. I mean WHY else would he buy a house here and drive an hour to and from work everyday? He could have bought a house closer to his work place. I did ask him that a long while back and he said he liked the town and I was a bonus. When it comes to his feelngs, he shuts down big time!
No I know he alone time isnt going to change. When he is here at home we do things together. I honestly DONT want him under my feet all the time. I like it when we watch a movie or eat together or go out to do those things and then come home to our own private rooms until bedtime. If he would have been happy with his job he would have not moved. His job was making him miserable so he took the next job that came open with intentions of coming back within a year. Thats what he said but now he is stuck. He has never lived with anyone since high school for long, not even his wife. He went over seas shortly afterwards I was hoping he loved me enough to change I guess. We get along way better when I am not needy. I cant change either, I love attention and I am a very much attention giver.
Yes Punkin I did go looking too soon and now after almost three yrs. I dont want to start over.
People keep saying to be alone....I am alone and have been since he left. We only spent a yr. in the same house. I pay my own way, buy my own things etc. Sometimes I get very lonely though.
I have said to him that we are not compatible and that I did not think he was that into me maybe and that I would understand if he told me so. To be fair to me and let me go to find someone else. He gets angry and says he isnt holding me back and to bounce. I say to him if you dont love me please just say so. He says I love you and care alot about you but you are over the otop with love and stuff. He says he dont see why we need to tell each other every day that we love each other. We should automaticaly should know that.
Are there people out there really like that. My xh told me EVERYDAY adn sometimes more than once a day. Maybe I am expecting that because I was use to that.
I dont want to be needy. I want to be a challange. A challange is very attractive to someone.
Renee there are two types of alone, the way I see it, and one is physically alone, where you basically take care of your needs for shelter and food and stuff, and you are self-sufficient with the "material", and then there is emotionally "alone" (and I argue that you're not alone if you have friends or family but I guess, emotionally "single" in that you don't need a partner to "complete" you).
You've been physically but not emotionally "alone." That's why you got into something that isn't working for you, because you were probably insecure with the emotional aloneness and wanted things to feel what you would have called "normal" in your past, you wanted a man back in your life, because that gave you back a sense of normalcy. So you get this guy in your life and he's not your XH (as in, not the XH you used to know before things went south) and you're trying to fit a square peg into a round hole with him--trying to get him to be like what you think you miss and it won't work because he's not that guy.
When you say "I was hoping he loved me enough to change" above, well, that's it in a nutshell, expecting someone to change who he is as a person because he loves you is extremely needy/codependent behavior. It doesn't say "I accept you for who you are, warts and all", but it says "I need you to be this type of person for me or I won't be happy."
The happiness has to come out of you first. You have to be comfortable being "emotionally" alone before you can be non-co-dependent in a relationship.
You did say "I can't change either." I think the people on this board are proof that people CAN change if they want to...no one is saying that you should stop being affectionate or someone who likes closeness...but if you can't seem to lower your anxiety level if you don't have THIS GUY to be affectionate with, then that's not his fault, that's something you have to learn how to harness and control in yourself.
You have to ask yourself, "Do I want to be THIS dependent on a man for my happiness?"
If the answer is yes, then I'm sure if you break it off with him, you can find a man somewhere who is codependent and who thrives on the things you want.
If the answer is no, then you have to find ways to feel at peace with yourself that have nothing to do with a man in your life, because you cannot guarantee you will always have one.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
i am a mess right now. i feel like my heart cant go on. i have never broken up with anyone i love in my life adn i just did. i need to talk to someone. i dont think i can do this.
