Here's my new thread. I'll link the old one later.
Today's issue - R talk with H last night that didn't go well. He's still done and I'm not. He is still living at home, but keeps saying he's moving out. Hasn't happened yet though. *shrug*
Hi, (((RoRo))). So sorry about how you're feeling. Glad that you are communicating with him better and learning more about things he had been reluctant to say before. That is good.
You hurting now - that's why DB says not to do temperature checks. But I understand the feeling of needing to know.
Do you think your temper had anything to do with why he wouldn't say things he needed to say years ago? When he said them now were you able to show him that you can listen and understand him? (like the ow can?) You can do this. Be someone he can talk to. The fact that he said all he did last night, it hurt, but it is a good sign.
When they say nothing, that is not good. Not as painful, but the M breakdown is still happening. That's my world.
((((more hugs for you)))) comfort yourself today, maybe a nice cocktail out on that balcony you have, if it's not too cold out for that.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Some of the highlights: -He still feels like he's tried all he could and is done. - He says he needs to get his own place because he needs space from everyone. -He says he doesn't want to be married to me anymore. -He doesn't feel like he knows how to be a husband. - He feels all of the things that lead him to want to marry me have gone down to nothing. -He feels like we lost our friendship and can't get it back. -He is full of shame and guilt over his A.
That is his decision today...
And it will continue to be his decision, until it isn't his decision anymore...
YOUR balance shouldn't be thrown off any by this.
It isn't new information....right ?
Show him consistency in your words and actions, and let him own his words and actions.
Let this dust settle for a few days, although I would take a bet that he will have forgotten most of the conversation within those few days.
Thanks AD. I was surprised at how much he actually shared.
Mach - Thank you. Some of it was new information. But you're right. This changes nothing. I'm actually doing better than I was last night. He seemed amazed when I said I wasn't ready to throw in the towel. Feels like he wants me to be the one to give it the final shove over the cliff. But I won't.
I feel as if that is what my H wants me to do "give the final shove over the cliff." I did talk to a lawyer the other day, just to get information and make sure we're doing things correctly, but I did not file. I figured if this is truly what he wants, then get the papers and file. He did bring papers over the other day to file civally, but did not bring them in because I said I wasn't doing it that way. The only reason he brought the papers over was because I did say "It was over!" on the phone because I found out more sneaky information about his affair...it was out of anger! (Bad move!)
So now, I'm trying to get back on track and giving myself a timeline.
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!) EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12 H introduces OW to his fam: June H moves ALL stuff out: July
Journaling...going to be a lot of that today, as I need to get all of this out (and not say it to my H) so just roll with me...
I was feeling so good until I went to dinner with my friends the other night. Since then, I haven't been able to get OW or Rodney's A out of my head. Which is part of the reason for the conversation last night.
I also think it's strange that no one knows that my H is having an A. He has not told a soul according to him. Even his best friend doesn't know. Which doesn't make sense because the friend actually knows this person I think. I told him if anybody looked at their Twitter accounts, they'd figure it out like I did. He disagreed. There's a reason he hasn't made it public. I just don't know what that reason is.
This morning: So...I get ready to leave the house for work after I pulled myself together. I tell H that I appreciate him being honest last night and telling me how he is feeling. I just had to get that out. Now I'll shut up. I promise!
Last night I told him that I feel like sometimes when he looks at me ...he's wishing OW was here instead of me. After I thanked him for the honestly last night, he says that no matter what is going on, he doesn't want me to think he wishes someone else was here besides me because that is never the case.
Then he asks me if I have cash because he forgot to ask me if I have cash for the week. Now first of all he RARELY asks me this. Most of the time, I'm asking him. LOL Anyway, he just wanted to make sure I had cash in case I needed some. He only had a $1 anyway so that didn't help. LOL
And I got a compliment on my shirt which is sort of new, and he hadn't seen me wearing it.
WHAT THE H&LL? Is he trying to make me crazy so he can send me off somewhere? LOL I really think my M might send me off the deep end.
Timelines are fine. Everyone has limits in terms of how long they can live like this, and looking for or expecting short term change is torture. The best kind of timeline is to set a date for when you will reevaluate how you feel, and then not worry about things changing until that time.
Mach1 had some great advice take it slowly and remember
there is nothing that requires an immediate response
(I mean unless an organ is flying out of your body or something)
but it is OK to always respond with an "I'm not sure, I need to think about it and I will get back to you later"
sometimes, in the midst of all this crisis, we forget that while it is an emotional and personal crisis (for real) we can gain some power and control back by TAKING it back...often times, the only thing we can control is when we respond
so
give it the 24/48 hour rule
anything you want to say...give it 24/48 hours before saying it..is it still important? Do you still want to say it? t
